Envy is experienced by everyone: both adults and children. However, envy envy is different. If this condition occurs from time to time, when a person doubts his abilities or feels insecure, you should not beat the alarm. But if the feeling of envy begins to prevail over the others, then it can thoroughly ruin life.
Your child is a little jealous. How to define it?
Often, it cannot even occur to an adult that his child is gnawed by envy - the subject of the baby's passion seems so insignificant to him. However, even at the most tender age, this feeling can be not only strong, but also long, and most importantly, destructive. It is important to understand in time that your child is jealous of a friend. Childish envy has several appearances.
Practical actions. In anger that he does not have such a machine, a child can ruin someone else's toy or break a craft for which his friend received adult praise.
Imitation. The child really likes the thing that his friend has, and he begins to ask his parents for exactly the same thing or creates it in his imagination and demonstrates to his loved ones invented actions using it.
Criticism. It is an attempt to reduce the value of what is the object of envy. “There is nothing special about his victory”, “This doll is ugly, I have a hundred times better at home” - statements characteristic of such behavior.
Ignoring. An attempt to protect himself by creating a real distance between himself and the desired object: the baby refuses to play with him if a friend offers, and generally tries to communicate with other children, and not with the owner of the object of envy.
Disguise. This method is often used by older children, from 7 to 16 years old, it is beyond the power of preschoolers. Such envy is more difficult to recognize. An envious person does not rejoice for a friend who has achieved success in something or has become the owner of a new gadget, but he sympathizes with the failure or breakdown of the desired thing from the bottom of his heart.
The origins of envy
What causes envy? On the surface, of course, is an object (such as an expensive gadget) or an event (such as an interesting trip abroad or winning a competition) that a peer has in his life, but your baby does not. Healthy envy is a fleeting feeling, in which both joy for a comrade and a desire to repeat his achievements are mixed.
” If a child envies for a long time, stubbornly, painfully, then, of course, it’s not about a tablet or a cup. The child wants attention, approval, respect and, finally, love. So chronic envious people almost always suffer from low self-esteem: the child thinks that he is the worst in everything, and believes that the coveted prize will correct the situation in an instant. However, due to the same low self-esteem, he is afraid to do something in order to achieve high results - a vicious circle is obtained.
If parents notice that their child is full of envy (although this rarely happens in such a situation), they begin to treat the symptoms, not the cause: they scold the child for unworthy feelings or try to make happy with an expensive toy. This does not solve the problem, because in fact, love and attention from this no longer becomes. To fix the spoiled parent-child relationship in some way, a long work is needed, it is advisable to connect a psychologist to it.
Jealousy, go away!
Another situation: parents do not help the child overcome envy, moreover, they themselves instill this feeling in him, literally teaching him to envy everyone and everything. If you are sure that, in general, everything is in order with your child and low self-esteem is unusual for him, but you do not know how to teach him to respond correctly to other people's successes, then here are some useful tips.
The best way is by personal example. If you allow yourself to speak negatively about acquaintances, to level their successes and achievements, your children will definitely be envious.
Help your child understand their feelings. Let him know that from time to time everyone gets angry, angry or jealous, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Admitting that you are jealous is the way to overcome this destructive feeling.
A good method of dealing with envy is to unlock the child's personal potential. The more he does what he loves, the more successful he becomes and the less reason for envy he has left.
Show what envy can lead to - using the example of characters from books or cartoons.
Praise the child, emphasize his strengths and positive aspects, pay attention not to victories, albeit small ones. This will help develop a positive attitude towards others - a good inoculation against envy!
Remember! To prevent a child from becoming jealous, you should never do the following:
Don't compare him to anyone. This leads to the fact that the child begins to constantly look back at others and evaluate his position on the scale of success.
Do not make a cult out of things. Instantly buying the same thing that other children have will lead to an increase in the child's demands, and envy will not disappear anywhere.
Don't support boasting. This will not increase the child's self-esteem and will not make him a leader among children, but he can become arrogant and snobby. Real authority is earned by deeds, not by expensive things or boastful stories - convey this idea to the child.
Envy is a fairly common phenomenon among children. This is due to the fact that children often compare themselves with others. And often parents do not know how to respond to the manifestation of such a phenomenon in a child's behavior.
How to determine that your child may be becoming envious? It is generally accepted that envy is a negative phenomenon, it is not approved by society. That is why rarely anyone can admit to others (and to himself) that he is envious. However, envy often masquerades as certain feelings by which we can recognize it. For example, if one of the children is praised in the presence of your child, and you notice that he has irritation, and possibly aggression, then most likely he experiences a feeling of envy. Depending on the nature of the child, as well as on the type of his temperament, in different children, envy can “hide” under various emotions - anger, irritability, apathy, sadness. In any case, if you notice that a child in a special way, more vividly than usual, reacts to the success or advantage of another, then you should think about it.
What to do if a child is constantly jealous of other children?
1. Observe your behavior. How do you react to other people's successes? On the expensive things they bought? Very often, children unconsciously copy the behavior of their parents, and in this case, in order to cope with the envy of the child, you must first correct your own behavior.
2. If you do not find reasons in your behavior, then ask the child what exactly he is jealous of - perhaps some important need has not been satisfied. Discuss with your child how much he really needs it. Perhaps you will see a rational grain in his arguments. If not, explain your position firmly but calmly.
3. If a child is jealous of the presence of a material thing in another (a fashionable jacket, a doll, things), then you can offer him the following: Together with him you save money for this, and he will try to earn some of it himself (by deeds, deeds, correctly completed tasks, etc.) .P.). Thus, the child will direct his energy not to envy, but to achieve the goal, enlisting your support and understanding.
4. Never compare your child to other children. By doing this, parents personally set the stage for envy. If a child is envious of the success of other children, or qualities of character, then you can invite him to think about how he can achieve the same result, or develop the same qualities in himself. Do not forget to note his positive qualities (purposefulness, good memory, quick wits) and remind him of his own, even small, achievements. Children tend to compare the achievements of their peers with their failures. The task of parents in such a situation is to correct a negative attitude. The correct choice of words in a conversation with a child is very important, since the negative reaction of an adult will only aggravate the situation and force the baby to withdraw.
5. Often children who are jealous lack self-confidence. They feel that they could achieve more, but they constantly give in to others and let them go ahead. Thus, they develop a feeling of annoyance, which gradually develops into envy. Such a child needs the help of parents and a psychologist who will help him increase self-esteem and self-confidence.
If you are faced with the fact that your child is jealous, try to accept his feelings, do not condemn them - your child becomes an adult, focuses on the people around him, inevitably compares himself with them, therefore, he cannot help but feel a sense of envy. However, it is in your power to make this process the least painful for him, and perhaps even help him understand himself and become better.
Based on materials from sites: http://mamiki.ru. http://oz-lady.ru/.
This time I would like to talk about envy and how it works in children, and what parents need to do to overcome it.
But first, let's describe this passion. Envy usually manifests itself in the fact that a person is annoyed and sad about the well-being, successes and happiness of other people, rejoices in their failures and misfortunes. Everything can be an object of envy: wealth, honor, fame, labors, talents, abilities, virtues, profitable positions and titles, ranks, happiness in family life, health, etc. Christian thinkers can find sizzling definitions of this passion.
Here is how Saint Basil the Great scourged her (†379):
“Another more pernicious passion than envy does not originate in human souls. It harms strangers less, but brings much evil to the one who has it. As rust eats away iron, so envy of the soul... Envy is sorrow for the well-being of one's neighbor... and is the most irresistible kind of enmity... Dogs, if they are fed, become meek; lions, when followed, become tame. But the envious are even more ferocious when they do them favors.
Saint Basil, as a Christian, is troubled by the consequences of envy. It destroys love between people, devastates human souls, instills hatred and malice in them. And it arises from selfishness, pride, greed and greed.
Therefore, Christian writers urged never to envy anyone. St. Gregory the Theologian (†389) speaks with some irony about the uselessness of the envy of the poor towards the rich:
“The poor are much stronger in strength than the rich…! God, equalizing His gifts, gave strength to the poor, and medicine to the rich. Does the poor work, shed sweat? – By this, he depletes excess substances in himself ... Tumors, colds, pain in the legs, fullness, pallor and physical weakness - these are the property of the rich, these are the fruits of satiety. The rich do not find pleasure in what they possess; often looking for someone to leave their burden, they envy the healthy, who are poorer than them ... ".
This passion is also extremely dangerous for children, because in them it develops anger, gloating, hatred, quarrels, lies, slander, snitch, cunning and hypocrisy.
To deal with its consequences, Christian pedagogy offers several rules. Let's get to know them.
1. Try to eradicate envy at its first signs.
To do this, you must first understand the reasons for its appearance. It is necessarily associated with the main defect in the child's psyche. By weakening it, we will weaken envy. But it is also necessary to fight against its direct manifestations, which can have the most different and unexpected forms.
It happens that children compare portions of food given to them, toys bought for them, clothes or school supplies, to see if anyone else has received something more valuable and beautiful. Such actions should alarm parents. These are sure signs of an envious heart in children.
What to do?
1. To teach children to be content with what they are given, and not to stop even before severe and sensitive punishment.
Children often complain about each other and reveal the actions and pranks of others. This is where parents need to be extra careful. It is necessary to understand for what purpose the child does this. Sometimes he does this with the intention of harming others and inflicting punishment on them. Therefore, one cannot indulge in denunciation and snitching, since children usually do this out of a feeling of envy and ill will and get used to slander. They need to be taught that reporting the misdeeds of their brothers, sisters or comrades is possible only in order to put an end to sin and truthfulness.
2. Don't make your children jealous.
This happens when parents treat their children differently and prefer one to the other. The younger ones should not be left unpunished for offenses for which the elders are punished. Children are especially painful when they are from different parents, and in the family there is a difference between the children of a stepfather or stepmother.
3. Do not teach children the vice of envy by your own example.
If children often hear how a father or mother speaks unkindly and with envy about their neighbors or colleagues, if in the presence of children they allow themselves to speak with envy about the more prosperous or rich, about the success and well-being of others, then there is nothing surprising in the fact that envy and ill will take root in tender children's hearts, which, through the envy of their parents, absorb evil and bitterness like sponges.
4. Teach your children to hate religious envy.
Envy is a disgusting vice, but it is not the main reason to avoid it. She is a stupid vice that brings only harm and poisons the envious person's own life. Children should avoid it because it is forbidden by God, which means it is a sin.
5. Instill in the hearts of children the opposite virtue to this vice - love of one's neighbor.
A person who has such love sincerely respects the dignity of merit and the rights of everyone, poor and rich, superior and inferior, he is always modest, friendly and considerate towards everyone. This modesty and responsiveness parents should instill in their children, first of all, by their personal example. They should be taught to endure each other's weaknesses and shortcomings, not to talk about the shortcomings and misdeeds of brothers, sisters and schoolmates, unless asked about it, and in every possible way to support manifestations of pity and compassion for the poor, poor and sick and the desire to help them.
The rules are simple, but they have been confirmed for several millennia in the centuries-old Judeo-Christian tradition. And, of course, they will be useful to anyone who is concerned about the moral character of their children.
Notes:
1. Let us give an opinion on the envy of St. Theophan the Recluse:
“Every passion is contrary to truth and goodness, but envy is more than all, because its essence is lies and malice. This passion is the most unjust and the most poisonous both for the one who wears it and for the one to whom it is directed. In small sizes, it happens to everyone, as long as an equal, and even worse, takes over. Selfishness is irritated, and envy begins to sharpen the heart. It is not yet so painful when the road is open to oneself; but when it is blocked, and is blocked by those for whom envy has already begun, then I will not be able to restrain her aspirations: peace is impossible here. Envy demands the overthrow of the enemy from the mountain and will not rest until it somehow achieves this or destroys the envious person himself. Well-wishers, whose feelings of sympathy and compassion prevail over selfish ones, do not suffer from envy. This points the way to the extinguishment of envy, and to everyone who is tormented by it. It is necessary to hasten to arouse good will, especially to the one whom you envy, and to reveal this by deed - that hour envy will subside. A few repetitions of the same kind, and with God's help, she will completely calm down. But to put it like that - it will torment, wither and drive into the grave, when you do not overcome yourself and force you to do good to the envied ”(Theophan the Recluse, saint. Brief thoughts for each day of the year according to church reading from the Word of God. Holy Dormition Pskov-Caves Monastery, 1991, pp. 134-135).
“Envy (Greek phthonos, Latin livor, invidia) is a passion with a range from ill will to hatred for another person (or group, class of people), it extends mainly to those material, social and spiritual benefits or advantages that , according to the envious person, are quite achievable for him.
In history, the concept of envy has been interpreted in three ways, from the point of view of psycho-anthropological, religious-ethical and socio-political. The turning point in understanding the phenomenon of envy was the departure from the fear of envious gods and demons, which was characteristic of ancient times, and the triumph of Christian teaching, which also associated envy with the devil, but denied its origin from God the Creator. Christianity urged the individual not to be afraid of the constant threats of envious demonic forces and not to try to repel their attacks by magical means, but to try not to become a source of envy himself and treat his neighbor with love. New time and modernity have abandoned the Christian criteria for diagnosing envy and its therapy ..., and modern science, such as ... psychoanalysis, proceeds from the fact that envy in a person can be neutralized by rational therapeutic methods ...
In the folk beliefs of the Greeks… envy was personified in the form of a demon who stole youthful beauty and young gifted people, and even vengefully invaded someone’s happiness… His most formidable weapon was the “evil eye” (ophthalmos baskanos). Later, the "evil eye" began to be attributed to people who allegedly had a connection with dark forces.
Envy and the "evil look" ... caused horror not only among the Greeks, but also among the ancient Jews (; ), Romans, in Islamic culture and among early Christians. To turn him away, they wore amulets and wrote spell formulas on the walls ...
In the popular beliefs of the Romans, envy was characteristic of the gods all the time. Successful people in life (victorious military leaders, influential politicians, etc.) were especially afraid of her. In order to avert envy, it was necessary to respond to praise with repentance, be it in the form of prayer or self-humiliation by spitting into one's own chest. Even spontaneously expressed praise could bring trouble to its author. They tried to avoid the envy of gods and people, refusing dignity and glory ...
Most of the data for the Christian understanding of envy, its psychological causes and therapy was provided by patristic theology, especially the sermons of Basil the Great and John Chrysostom...
Thomas Aquinas, the great systematist of the Latin Middle Ages, drew his ideas from patristics and Greek classical philosophy. Following Aristotle, he defines envy as “sorrow for the good of another person” and distinguishes four motives for this grief. The first is pain, as a feeling of inferiority due to the fact that others have benefits. The second is vanity or zeal. Aristotelian envy (Nemesis), as the third motive of mourning for the blessings of your neighbor, has lost its meaning for Thomas, since temporary blessings, which, according to Aristotle, cause envy, mean nothing compared to “future blessings that God has prepared for those who love Him” (Summa theologia, II, 36, a 2) ... The fourth motive is actually envy, for the envious "experiences sorrow where one should rejoice, namely, for the good of one's neighbor." Thomas knows the five consequences of envy: malevolence, slander, malevolence, hatred, slander" .
“... Envy manifests itself with particular force in cases where for one individual the things or personal qualities of another individual are an object of desire, but without any hope of possessing them .... On this basis, aggressiveness develops, destructive in nature and directed against the opponent and oneself.
From a constant feeling of inadequacy, initially pointless envy turns into a hostile attitude towards a more successful other person and even into hatred for him. An envious person follows his fate with a feeling of hostility and rejoices in his failures.
Contempt and self-hatred arise when disgust for the object of envy is experienced by the envious person as immoral. He tries to suppress it in himself and loses his own idea of happiness. Life plans are perceived as false, they are followed by a refusal to really assess one’s capabilities and abilities ... Therefore, the main element in the treatment of envy should be the skill of critical self-assessment ”(Droesser Gerhard. Neid. Lexikon fuer Theologie und Kirche. 7. Band. Freiburg-Basel - Rom-Wien, 1998. S. 729).
“Envy plays a significant role in social life when certain groups (for example, officials, railway workers, politicians), as well as minorities and races, perceive the real or imaginary privileges of others as unfair and therefore put forward their own demands. At the same time, it is difficult to draw a clear line between legitimate demands for fair distribution and claims that are rooted in a collective sense of envy. Envy of this kind is fueled by stereotypes characteristic of a particular environment. They usually envy others in what seems especially valuable. From this arise intrigues against others, the inevitable overload and exorbitant consumption (of goods and services - V. B) ”(Laun Andreas. Neid. / / Rotter Hans, Virt Guenter. Neues Lexikon der christlichen Moral. Insbruck - Wien, 1990. S. 547 -548).
2. St. Basil the Great. Conversation 11. About envy. Creations. T. 2. St. Petersburg, 1911. Reprint. pp. 169-171.
A little lower, St. Basil notes another characteristic feature of envy. No one is jealous of people who are far away and out of sight. It turns out that you can envy only people you know and neighbors:
“... Indeed, it happens. It is not the Scythian who envy the Egyptian; and from fellow tribesmen he envy not those who are unknown, but well known, and from acquaintances - neighbors, people of the same trade and for some reason close to him, and of them again - peers, relatives, brothers. In general, just as rust is a disease of grain, so envy is a disease of friendship ”(Decree. Op. P. 172)
It is no coincidence that he compares envy to a dog. In Scripture, this animal was mostly mentioned in a negative sense:
“According to Jewish law, these animals were considered unclean, just as they are still considered unclean among Muslims. Among the Jews, it was considered an extreme insult to compare someone with a dead dog (), and even the money received for the sale of such a despicable animal, as well as the payment of a harlot, could not be contributed to Skini. - the house of the Lord (). Therefore, the name dog is attached by the apostle Paul to false teachers (), and Solomon and the apostle Peter compare sinners with dogs (;). The word dogs is used allegorically to denote persecutors (), false teachers (), wicked people (). However, even among the Jews, dogs were assigned to guard the herds (;). Solomon says: “A living dog is better than a dead lion” (), denoting with these words that every, even the most insignificant creature, who uses life, is happier and more important than the most noble and great creature who has already died. Abner's exclamation: "Am I a dog's head" () means almost the same thing.
As a pet, dogs appear late in the Bible. The dog accompanied Tobit on his journey (). That around the time of Jesus Christ, dogs were kept at home, shows the answer of the Canaanite wife to the Savior’s refusal to help her () ... ”(Nikifor, archimandrite. Bible Encyclopedia. M., 1891. Reprint. S. 664).
In Russian old printed breviaries, echoes of a contemptuous attitude towards dogs have been preserved. It contains “The rite for the cleansing of the church, when the dog jumps into the church or someone enters from the infidels” and “Prayer for the consecration of the temple, in it the bitch will be born” (Requirement. M., in the summer of ZUKD (7424 from the creation of the world; 1916 - from R. Chr. - V. B.) List NV (52) and F L S (536).
And St. John Chrysostom uses the image of a snake in order to show the deadly and destructive power of envy:
“... It is better to have a snake coiling in the womb than envy nestling inside. The snake can also be either vomited with medicines or pacified with food; but envy does not nest in the womb, but lives in the very depths of the soul, and is a disease that is difficult to cure. The snake, which is in the inside, when there is other food, does not touch the human body; envy, even if they offer her a thousand food, devours the very soul, gnaws it from all sides, torments and tears. It is impossible for her to find any sedative that would reduce her frenzy, except for one thing only - misfortune with the prosperous.
Only then does she calm down. Or rather, even that means is invalid. Let this one suffer; but, seeing another prosperous, he is consumed by the same torments; for her, wounds are everywhere, blows are everywhere, because, living on earth, it is impossible not to see happy people. And the strength of this disease is so great that the one subject to it, even if he is confined inside the house, envies the former, already dead people .... This sickness has also touched the church, it has perverted everything, dissolved the union of the body, and, armed with envy, we rise up against each other... Indeed, if even with all the common creation it is not easy to achieve that the edified ones stand firm, then what will be the end when all (we) will destroy ”(John Chrysostom, saint. Interpretation on the second epistle to the Corinthians. Conversation Conversation 27 (No. 3). Creations. T. 10. Book two. S P b., 1904. Reprint. S. 702- 703).
The snake in the Holy Scriptures, like the dog, had its own negative symbolism:
“Because there is a wide variety of snake species in the Middle East, many of which are extremely venomous, the snake is often mentioned in the Bible. Her bite was feared, and she was a symbol of evil and hypocrisy (Compare ; ; ). The enemies of Israel are also compared with snakes (; ; ) ...
In the New Testament, John the Baptist and Jesus call the Pharisees and scribes “breeds of vipers” () The disciples of Jesus and Christians are promised that they “will pick up snakes” they are given “authority to step on snakes and scorpions” (; ; cf.) ... "(Jerusalemer Bibellexikon, herausgegeben von Kurt Henning, Neuhaussen-Stuttgart, 1989, pp. 883-884).
“Echidna is the most poisonous snake: one who is bitten by it dies almost immediately. It serves as an image of cunning, malice and slyness ”(Trinity Leaflets. Sheets on the Gospel of Matthew. Vol. 5. (No. 801-1000). Edition of the Holy Trinity Sergius Lavra, 1896 - 1899. P. 53). This edition was already reprinted in our time, but not as colorful (in particular, without illustrations from ancient frescoes) and convenient for use as indicated by us. Cf .: Trinity leaflets. Gospel interpretation. M., 2002.
3. According to St. Cyprian of Carthage (†258), envy itself nourishes and enlivens vices (note that in the quoted text the word jealousy is a synonym for envy):
“Wrong is the opinion of those who think that this evil is of one kind, or that it is short-lived and contained within narrow limits. The death from jealousy extends far: it is diverse and prolific.
It is the root of all evil, the source of devastation, the hotbed of sins, the cause of crimes. Hence arises hatred; this is where the excitement comes from. Jealousy kindles greed, when someone cannot be content with his own, seeing another richer. Jealousy excites ambition when you see another in honor above you. As soon as jealousy has blinded our senses and taken possession of secret thoughts, the fear of God is immediately despised, the teaching of Christ is neglected, and the day of judgment is not thought of; pride puffs up, cruelty intensifies, treachery multiplies, impatience torments, discord rages, anger boils - and one who has fallen under someone else's power (devil - V. B.) can no longer restrain himself or control himself.
Hence the rupture of the connection of the Lord's peace, the violation of brotherly love, the subversion of truth, the dissection of unity; hence the transition to heresies and schisms, when someone slanders the priests, envies the bishops, complains why he has not been appointed, or does not want to recognize another as a leader. From this comes the fact that the ungodly rises and persists from jealousy, from enthusiasm and envy the enemy, - the enemy is not a person, but honors ”(Cyprian of Carthage, saint. Book of jealousy and envy. // Creations. M., 1999. P. 346 ).
4. Gregory the Theologian, saint. Comparison of spiritual and worldly life. Creations. T. 2. S P b., no year ed. Reprint. S. 220).
The saint addressed the topic of envy more than once and on various occasions, always scourging it:
“Oh, if envy were exterminated between people, this ulcer for those possessed by it, this poison for those who suffer from it ... It is one of the most unjust and at the same time just passions - an unjust passion, because it disturbs the rest of all the good, and fair, because it dries feeding her! For I will not wish harm to those who at the beginning praised me. They did not know what the end of these praises would be; otherwise, perhaps, they would add to the praises and censures in order to put up a barrier of envy ”
“Envy overshadowed Dennitsa, who fell from arrogance. Being divine, he could not resist not to recognize himself as a god, and cast out of Adam's paradise, having mastered him through voluptuousness and a wife (), for he assured him that the tree of knowledge was forbidden to him for a while out of envy, so that he would not become a god. Envy made Cain a fratricide, who could not bear the fact that another victim was holier than his victims.
Envy covered the wicked world with waters, and drowned the Sodomites with fire. Envy swallowed up Dathan and Aviron, who revolted against Moses (), and struck Miriam with leprosy, who grumbled only at her brother (). Envy stained the earth with the blood of the prophets, and through women shook the wise Solomon.
Jealousy also made Judas a traitor, seduced by a few pieces of silver, and deserving of strangulation. She produced both Herod, the child-killer, and Pilate, the Christ-killer. Envy has torn and scattered Israel… Envy has split the beautiful body of the Church, dividing it into different and opposing assemblies….” (Gregory the Theologian, saint. Word 36. About himself and to those who said that St. Gregory desires the throne of Constantinople. Creations. T. 1. With P., no year ed. Reprint. S. 504-505).
5. Let us give a brief description of each of these effects.
“Anger is a feeling of heart disease, born from the offense of another, which happens either by deed or by word ... Anger is a painful and fierce passion, and cannot be hidden. Other passions are conveniently hidden, but anger cannot be hidden. A heart full of anger, like a boiling cauldron, spews out various signs of anger that appear on various members ... ”(Tikhon of Zadonsky, narrator. On anger and anger. // On true Christianity. Book one. Part one. // Creations. T 2. M., 1889. Reprint, p. 163).
His main reason is pride: “It is impossible for anyone to be angry with his neighbor,” remarks Abba Dorotheos (6th century), “if his heart does not first rise above him, if he does not humiliate him, and does not consider himself his best” ((Dorotheus , Abba, Reverend, Teaching 19. Various, Brief Teachings, Holy Trinity Sergius Lavra, 1900. Reprint, p. 190).
Saint John of the Ladder (†649) presents anger, its causes and means of dealing with it in allegorical form:
“Tell us the crazy and shameful passion, the name of your father and your evil mother, as well as the names of your bad sons and daughters. Tell us, moreover, who fights against you and kills you? – In response to this, anger tells us: “I have many mothers and not one father. My mothers are: vanity, love of money, gluttony, and sometimes fornication. And my father is called arrogance. My daughters are: remembrance, hatred, enmity, self-justification ... My enemies who keep me in bondage are angerlessness and meekness ... ”(John of the Ladder, reverend. Ladder. Word 8. On the absence of anger and meekness. Ladder. Sergiev Posad, 1908. Reprint, p. 93)
As for the difference between hatred and anger, notes S. M. Zarin, according to their psychological content, we can say that “hatred” affects more ... the thinking ability in a person, while anger is a matter and a manifestation of mainly feelings and will, why it is also stronger and more noticeable in the field of physical and physiological manifestations ”(Zarin S. M. Asceticism according to Orthodox Christian teaching. M., 1996. P. 275)
Saint Basil the Great believes that hatred is the result of the weakening of love, which means that it is demonic in nature:
“... Where love is impoverished, there certainly hate enters in its place. And if, as John says: “God is love” (), then, of all necessity, hatred is the devil. Therefore, just as one who has love has God in himself, so he who has hatred nourishes the devil in himself ”(Basil the Great, saint. A word on asceticism. Creations. T. 2, S P b., 1911. P. 324).
Schadenfreude is a form of malice. Abba Dorotheos describes this passion in this way:
“... Just as a burning coal, when it is extinguished and collected, can lie for several years without damage, and even if someone pours water on it, it does not rot, so anger, if it becomes stagnant, turns into vindictiveness, from which a person will not be freed if he does not shed his own blood (by shedding of blood we mean here great deeds and labors) ”(Dorotheus, Abba, Rev. Seventh Teaching. On Resentment. Teachings and Epistles. Holy Trinity Sergius Lavra, 1900. Reprint. P. 101).
Saint John Chrysostom sees the cause of quarrels in untruth:
“... How can peace be found where there is quarrel and dispute. Listen to the speaker: "The Spirit desires the opposite of the flesh" (). If our will is in truth, then we live in the city of the world, where there is no reason for a dispute at all, because just as untruth is the cause of a quarrel, so the world comes out of the truth ... ”(John Chrysostom, saint. Interpretation of the prophet Isaiah Chapter 32. Creations, Vol. 6. Book One, St. Petersburg, 1900. Reprint, p. 179).
He compares a quarrel in its consequences to a shipwreck:
“A quarrel is a shipwreck, and much more disastrous than that. Indeed, whoever quarrels either spews blasphemy, and thus loses all previous good deeds, or in strong anger swears falsely, and thus falls into hell, or strikes and commits murder, and again undergoes the same shipwreck ...
Quarrels are peculiar only to the rich, and not to the poor—the rich, I say, who have many reasons for quarreling. You do not enjoy the pleasures of wealth, meanwhile, you are looking for troubles that are inseparable from them - enmity, strife quarrels, torment and strangle your brother, and cast him down in front of everyone. Do you really not understand that in your shamelessness you imitate the unrestraint of the dumb, or rather, you make them even worse ... ”(John Chrysostom, saint. Interpretation of the holy Evangelist Matthew. Conversation 15 (No. 10). Creations. Vol. 7. Book One. S. P., 1901. Reprint, pp. 164-165).
A dispute usually precedes a quarrel and arises “from anxiety for the steadfastness of thought; the anxiety is from uncertainty in its comprehensive validity,” says St. Theophan the Recluse. (Theophan the Recluse, saint. Interpretation of the pastoral letters of St. Paul the Apostle. M., 1894. Reprint. P. 416).
Disputes in matters of faith are especially dangerous:
“... A dispute is an ailment ... When the soul is kindled by thoughts, when they overwhelm it, then it is engaged in research (questions everything - V. B.), and when it is in a healthy state, then it does not investigate, but takes everything on faith. Nothing can be found through research and debate. When research proceeds to explain what is proclaimed by faith alone, then it does not reveal it, and does not allow it to be understood, because if someone, closing his eyes, wanted to find something that he was looking for, then I couldn’t manage to do this ... So without faith nothing can be found, but only disputes must inevitably be born, from “which come envy, strife, slander, crafty suspicions” (), i.e. harmful opinions and teachings are born from research ”( St. John Chrysostom, Commentary on the First Epistle to Timothy, Conversation 17 (No. 1), Creations, Vol. 11, Book Two, St. Petersburg, 1905, Reprint, p.
St. Tikhon of Zadonsk considers the three vices of flattery, lies and deceit together, and here is why:
“Flattery, lies, slyness are akin to vices, and are also the devil’s own, for the devil is the father of lies and slyness (;). Sim also teaches his servants, who portray his evil will and morals in themselves. These vices are possessed by those people who speak a different language and have a different heart.
Such people are usually called double-minded, because they have, as it were, two souls, that is, an inner and an outer one. They treat people with the outer soul and deceive people, but take care of themselves with the inner soul. This kind of people treat their neighbors kindly, smoothly, quietly, but flatteringly and insidiously so that they can sneak into their hearts, like a thief (thief) ... And children from parents, small from old, lower from higher learn the same as in custom lawless and pernicious has entered, and is not counted as sin. So lies and deceit sows their obscene tares, and does not allow the wheat of good deeds to grow ”(Tikhon of Zadonsky, saint. On True Christianity. Book One. Part One. Chapter Five. On Lies, Flattery and Cunning. Creations. Vol. 2. M ., 1889. Reprint, pp. 170-171).
“… What is a lie? This is an action, by deed or word, regardless of what it is in itself - true or not, when one tries to induce another to perceive an event, not as it really is, that is, to deliberately deceive him ... "( Genesis, Chapter XX, The Holy Bible, The Old Testament, A commentary and critical notes by Adam Clarke, Volume 1, London, 1836, p. 136)
“A lie, unlike error and error, means a conscious and therefore morally reprehensible contradiction to the truth ... In moral philosophy, the question of a necessary lie matters, that is, about whether it is permissible or not permissible to make statements that consciously disagree with actual reality in extreme cases, for example, to save someone's life ... The question of the necessity of lying can be rightly decided on the following basis.
Morality is not a mechanical set of various prescriptions, irrespective of their binding nature. From the material side, morality is a manifestation of a good nature; but a good man cannot waver between the moral interest to save his neighbor and the moral interest to observe factual accuracy in his testimony. A good nature excludes a tendency to lie or deceit, but in this case, deceit plays no role.
From the formal side, morality is the expression of pure will; but the observance of an external correspondence between word and fact in each individual case, regardless of its vital meaning and with the sacrifice of real moral obligations arising from this situation, is an expression not of pure will, but of soulless literalism. Finally, from the point of view of the final goal, morality is the path to true life, and its prescriptions are given to man in order "to live by them"; therefore, sacrificing a human life for the exact execution of a separate pedscript is an internal contradiction and cannot be moral ”(Vl. 911).
This idea of the famous Russian philosopher Vladimir Solovyov (†1900) is not new. Blessed Augustine (†430) already reflected on different approaches to the motives of lies in his writings “On Lies” and “Against Lies”:
“After some hesitation of some of the ancient fathers of the Church, finally, the point of view of Blessed Augustine about the reprehensibility of any lie became prevailing. However, this does not mean that each lie was equally a serious sin, on the contrary, it was necessary to differentiate different types of untruth, to which lies also belong. Lies in matters of faith, lies to the detriment of one's neighbor were considered especially difficult. They were followed by lies of emergency and flattering lies, and, finally, the most leniently judged was a lie told in jest. In the early Middle Ages, there were even disputes about whether it refers to lies at all (cf. Peter of Lombard, Sent IIId. 38). The penitential collections of this time also spoke of lying out of ignorance, when someone told a lie out of good intentions ... "(Bruch R. Luege. // Lexikon fuer Mittelalter. 5. Band. Stuttgart - Weimar, 1999. S. 2205) .
“According to Augustine, a lie is aimed at leading another person to a false belief ... In the case of a lie, it is not about the truth or falsity of the things themselves, but about the self-expression of the soul ... The statement here has not a theoretical, but a practical purpose. It is an abuse of language for selfish motives” (Klein J. Wahrhaftigkeit.//Die Religion in Geschichte und Gegenwart. Band 6. Tuebingen, 1986. S. 1514).
Conscious lies are also strongly condemned in Judaism:
“In the Bible, an ethically repugnant act is a conscious lie, untruth, both in speech and in deeds, and in general, deliberate deception in relation to a neighbor, with the aim of harming him or bypassing him. Judaism, however, treats lies negatively, not only because it serves to harm someone, but also because it humiliates the soul and stains the one who uses it ... and the ethics of Judaism condemns all types of lies: both deceit and slander , and flattery ”(Bernfeld S. Lies. Jewish Encyclopedia. Vol. 10, Terra, 1991. P. 333).
Just as strongly Jewish religious tradition condemns hypocrisy:
“Hypocrisy, or religious hypocrisy, in the later Hebrew language is denoted by a word whose literal meaning is “coloring”, and hypocrisy is called “painted”, that is, a person who misleads, pretending to be pious. This expression goes back to the saying of the Asmonean king Alexander Yannoy (Iannia)) (king. From 103 - to 76 R. Chr.). Pharisees, not Pharisees (i.e. Sadducees), but beware of bigots pretending to be Pharisees. They act like Zimri (Zamri), but they would like to be rewarded like Pinehas (Phinehas) (a hint at) ... ”(Jewish Encyclopedia. Vol. 10, Terra, 1991. P. 314).
Saint John Chrysostom speaks of slander in a particularly irreconcilable way:
“A terrible evil slander, a restless demon that never leaves a person in the world. What really evil does not produce slander. From it enmity is born, through it quarrels arise, from it disagreements originate; the evil suspicions aroused by it are the cause of innumerable evils; hatred has it as its source. And whatever calamities no one imagines, they will all turn out to stem from slander, dragging everyone into malice.
Slander excites a person to kill his neighbor. Slander hardens the soul and destroys fraternal fellowship, turning a recent friend into an enemy for no reason. She, having touched Maryami, the sister of Moses, immediately covered her with leprosy and brought wrath on her from the Lord. It destroys entire houses and stirs peaceful cities to war. She breaks the bonds of the beautiful world and dissolves the great union of love. She, deviating from the commandments of God, teaches crime, and, distracting from communion with God, removes from the truth.
She initially caused the death of the primordial Adam, and deprived him of heavenly life and heavenly bliss, because she entered the mouth of the serpent and raised a lie on the unfalse goodness of God. It was she who said: “Did God truly say, do not eat from any tree in paradise?” and caused Adam to transgress the commandment and fall from the truth. Having persuaded the former interlocutor of the Lord to herself, she immediately made him an enemy with the help of deceit and immediately removed him from blessings.
So, let us refrain from slander, moving away from it, so as not to enter into enmity with the Lord. Let us refrain from slander, so as not to become unjust judges of the truth and not be false witnesses before the face of the law ”(John Chrysostom, saint. Interviews on the Psalms (Spuria). Conversation on Psalm 100 (No. 4). Creations. Vol. 5. Book Two. S. P., 1898. Reprint, pp. 722-723).
6. “... The main passion will appear during conversion, during the knowledge of one's sinfulness and repentance. When a vow is given not to sin, this passion is most of all kept in attention. Therefore, even afterwards it should be the closest object of opposition in us to sin. It obscures all passions with itself, as well as binds them around itself or gives a point of support on itself. Other passions can be revealed only after the weakening and overcoming of this one, and together with it be disentangled.
It is necessary to arm yourself with all your might against it from the first time, especially since there is also a lot of hatred for it, which gives strength to resist. And it is impossible to proceed to the conquest of the initial passions without subduing it ...
First, things will go against the dominant passion, then against the passions derived from it, and then, when they subside, good deeds will have the freedom to finish off the remnants of the hostile horde, at their own discretion, and more at the direction of the inner. Whatever passion comes to life and shows itself, it is against that to assign cases ...
It seems that's how things are going. Directly behind the conversion - now (still) an active struggle of passions; out of it or with it - immediately and internal struggle; then, further, they are in mutual reinforcement and strengthening: the internal grows, the external also grows, the external grows, the internal also grows; finally, when both are sufficiently strong, thoughts come to a person about exploits and deeds to decisively extinguish passions, to cut them in the bud.
Great feats and deeds should neither be taken by oneself nor advised to others. You need to act gradually, gradually increasing and intensifying, so that it is uplifting and within your strength. Otherwise, our act will be like a new patch on an old dress. The demand for asceticism must come from within, as sometimes the urge and intuition indicate to the sick the correct healing medicine ”(Theophan the Recluse, saint. As it is done, the Christian life matures and grows stronger in us. / Rules for the struggle with the passions or the beginning of self-resistance. // The path to salvation. M., 1908. Reprint, pp. 290, 291, 292).
The Monk Simeon the New Theologian describes the initial passions and their detrimental effect on a person:
“... These three - voluptuousness, love of money and love of glory - enslave a person to the devil. And a Christian who indulges in carnal pleasures is no longer a slave of Christ, but a slave of sin and the devil. Likewise, a Christian who loves money and loves money is no longer a Christian, but an idolater, as the divine Paul says; likewise, the one who loves human glory is not a true Christian, but a certain fair warrior of the devil.
Whoever possesses either each of these passions, or one of them completely, does not have communion with God - the Most Holy Trinity, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, even if he fasted, kept vigils, slept on the bare earth and any other suffered malice, even if had omniscience and wisdom ”(Simeon the New Theologian, reverend. Word 16. Words. First issue. M., 1892. Reprint. P. 150).
7. Here we are talking about the education in children of truthfulness, or truth. A simple and short, but surprisingly profound definition of truth is given by St. Theophanes:
“The truth about which you are asking means nothing more than what truth means — a righteous life, pure and holy, without which no one will see the kingdom of God. The kingdom of God is behind, and ahead of it is truth. You must first take possession of the truth, and then the kingdom of God will fall into your own hands ”(Theophan the Recluse, saint. Letter 1257. Collection of letters. Eighth issue. M., 1901. Reprint. P. 30).
Other definitions of truth are connected with the formula of St. Theophan in meaning, but reveal other facets of this concept:
“The Old and New Testaments, as well as the philosophical tradition, by truth mean, firstly, reliability and fidelity in word and deed (truthfulness as opposed to falsehood), secondly, the correspondence of the content of the statement to the actual state of things, and thirdly, the relationship of volitional decisions with the goals of a moral and good way of life. Aristotle calls... philosophy "the theory of truth" and ethics "practical truth" (Zimmermann, A. Wahrheit.//Lexikon des Mittelalters. 8. Band. Stuttgart-Weimar, 1999. S. 1918).
“The Apostle Paul considers the doctrine of Christ to be true and sees in it the meaning of his existence. He proclaims this truth to people, for it makes them true before God (; cf. 2, 14-17). The allegory of Christ's struggle with the "last enemy", death, shows that faith is decisive in matters of life and death (2 Cor. 15, 20-28) ...
And therefore, the Gospel is necessary for the salvation of sinners, it is true, for it reveals the genuine truth necessary for a person so that he knows what is true before God ... for truth is a revelation of Divine Justice, which God grants by grace () ”(Gawlick G. Wahrheit.//Die Religion in Geschichte und Gegenwart Band 6 Tuebingen 1986 S. 1516).
8. “Where love deviates from the truth, there often, or almost always, through addiction, it will fall into injustice towards children - it loves some, but not others, or the father loves some, and the mother loves others. This inequality takes away respect for parents from both the beloved and the unloved, and between the children themselves from such an early age instills some hostility, which, under circumstances, can turn into posthumous enmity ”(Theophan the Recluse, saint. Family duties. // Inscription of Christian moral teaching. M., 1998. S. 497).
9. “A character is not formed in such a way as by one’s own example,” St. Theophanes remarks, “and by moving away from the bad examples of outsiders. Prevent: an innocent heart under the influence of grace will become stronger, and its good dispositions will turn into a disposition. All the more necessary is one's own piety to strengthen the piety of a child... For it refers to the invisible” (Decree, cit., p. 494).
The example of parents plays the same role in the formation of vicious habits in children.
10. The Prologue gives an example of such reflections on the dangers of envy:
“If envy is the greatest evil and can lead to terrible crimes, then we must, of course, avoid it as a destructive ulcer. And in order to avoid it, let us think: “Out of envy, I can become a villain. What could be worse than this? Why would I be jealous? Envy torments the heart. Why should I suffer from it? The neighbor is my brother, and it was in the will of God to give him this or that. Why should I go against the will of God with envy? With such and similar reflections, drive away this terrible vice from yourself, and believe me, if you think like this more often, then the well-being of your neighbors, instead of envy, will be for you a source of joy, motivation for even greater deeds and successes towards virtue, which is a shield that reflects arrows. envy ”(. Guryev Victor, archpriest. Prologue in the teachings. June - August. M., 1912. Reprint. P. 172).
11. Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk offers the following means of overcoming the passion of envy:
“The remedies for this evil and pernicious disease are as follows:
1) Pride, from which envy ... is born, must be put aside with the help of God, and so, without an evil root and an evil fruit, there will be no. “Envy, says Augustine, is the daughter of pride; if a mother dies, her daughter will perish.”
2) Learn to love your neighbor, so envy will fall. For “love does not envy” (), says the apostle. And although this pernicious arrow will strike the heart, but with the spirit of love it will resist its action and induce itself and those who do not want to give thanks to God that their neighbor is in prosperity. Thus, every internal evil is healed, like a wedge with a wedge, as they say, it is expelled. We must force ourselves to every good thing, and not what the evil heart wants, but what the Christian faith and conscience requires, to do: “The kingdom of heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it away” ().
So let us resist malice and vengeance, grumbling and blasphemy and other passions, and force ourselves to patience and other piety. That at first not without difficulty, but later, with the help of God, it will be convenient.
3) To think and hold without a doubt that in this world there is nothing great and worthy of astonishment, and there is no true bliss, except eternal and heavenly. And when we are in this opinion, then envy will weaken and become invalid. For envy is born from the well-being of the neighbor; but when we don’t provide temporary prosperity, that is, honor, wealth, and other things for true prosperity, then we won’t envy it.
When, having despised earthly things, you seek heavenly things, you will not envy either in honor, or in praise, or in wealth, or in nobility, for you desire incomparably better. A prince and a nobleman do not envy the praise of a shoemaker, a tailor, a carpenter and other craftsmen, for they have much better praise. So the temporary and, so to speak, the imaginary are not envied by those who seek permanent and eternal bliss. Do you want to get rid of this painful ulcer so that it does not eat you? Impute everything temporary into nothing, and it will have no place in you ”(Tikhon of Zadonsky, saint. On Envy. // On True Christianity. Book One. Part One. // Creations. Vol. 2. M., 1889. Reprint pp. 162-163).
12. See more about childish envy: Irenaeus, Bishop of Yekaterinburg and Irbit. Teaching about envy in children. // Teachings. Yekaterinburg, 1901. Reprint. Oropos Attinis-Greece, 1991, pp. 58-64).
Archpriest Vladimir Bashkirov, Master of Theology
- this is a feeling of annoyance arising in response to the success or well-being of another person, a feeling of one's inferiority or inferiority in comparison with other people. Envy in one form or another is present in every child, so it is very important to find out in a timely manner how prone a child is to this feeling and to what extent he is able to cope with it. The feeling of envy in children is always associated with the feeling that someone else has something more or better than them. And thanks to the direct children's behavior, the manifestations of children's envy are always much brighter than the manifestations of this feeling in adults.
Causes of child envy
Envy is divided by psychologists into white and black. White envy is when you want to possess something, it is a desire for the best. Black envy is when you want another to not have something at any cost, even up to destruction. It is very bad when envy turns into black. Why can this happen?
- The main psychological reason for the emergence of envy is a reduced sense of self-esteem (including adults), which children are trying to compensate with self-assertion in excess.
- Another of the main reasons is when parents do not understand the psychology of envy and naively and arrogantly expect to protect their child from such an insidious feeling, putting at his disposal everything conceivable and unthinkable. At the same time, the catch is that when the child starts to get bored with all this and becomes boring, envy can suddenly flare up with great force.
- When making their children's decisions, the child does not feel free. When a child exchanges an expensive fashionable toy for some kind of nonsense and the parents begin to swear, they thereby let the child understand that the child himself and his experiences are parental property.
- Life is perceived by the child as a fence of restrictions: we cannot afford it at all, we cannot afford it, etc. Children's perception in this case mainly depends on how life is perceived by the parents themselves. If parents constantly walk around with a lean face and consider themselves deprived of fate, the child will very quickly lose the ability to enjoy everything that he has.
- A condescending attitude towards aggressive manifestations of envy in children and a demonstration of this quality by the parents themselves also affect children not in the best way.
Children's worldview and children's envy
Just like any other feeling, children's envy first of all requires recognition and acceptance. Envy for children is even more natural than for adults. This is due to the fact that, by its nature, the worldview of children is egocentric, it seems to them that the whole world exists only for their sake, and if suddenly this turns out not to be the case, children can perceive this state of affairs extremely painfully. Of course, children are very upset if someone dances better than them, knows more poems, jumps higher, or if suddenly the most long-awaited toy or treat is bought by another child. In their understanding, this state of affairs is more than unfair, and this can often turn into malice on their part.
Types of envious children
It is customary to distinguish several types of envious children:
- "Unfairly disadvantaged". The abilities of these children were not properly noted and they were not appreciated.
- "Hard Judge" Such kids take responsibility and courage to give definitions to others with impartial characteristics.
- "God". Children of this type decide whether a misfortune befell someone, whether someone was punished fairly or unfairly.
- "Salieri". This character with a clear conscience "eliminates" Mozart, considering this an absolute norm.
How to deal with child envy
- In no case should you compare the successes and qualities of your own children with the successes and qualities of their peers - through such a comparison, parents themselves can form a sense of envy in children. Children will begin to envy not only the real, but also the imaginary successes of other children, while underestimating their own.
- Do not belittle the achievements of other children, it is better to explain to the child that each person has his own talents, and it is simply impossible to have all the talents at the same time. At the same time, it is important to explain to the child what exactly he is good at.
- From early childhood, you need to teach a child to be happy for others, so that the child clearly understands that in some ways his friend is better, and in some ways he himself is better.
- It is necessary to teach the child to use the feeling of envy for their own purposes, as a kind of impetus for development. For example, if a child is jealous of a friend's achievements in sports and his strength, you can invite him to think about what he can do to achieve the same. Very often, the path of true masters of their craft begins precisely with envy. Therefore, it is quite possible for constructive parents to make this feeling.
- It is important to teach a child to appreciate what is available to him so that he can enjoy those things that he is dealing with in reality. After all, many children only dream of what he has. For example, not all kids have favorite pets, a collection of cars, their own room.
- When buying clothes, toys and school supplies for your child, you need to give him the opportunity to choose. It is not always possible for parents to know what exactly a child needs in order to become “one of their own”. And if a child constantly feels that he is poorly dressed, he does not have such a fashionable satchel and not such bright notebooks as the rest, he cannot avoid feeling envy.
- Supporting the child in his achievements, highlighting his virtues and helping him develop his abilities - these are the three basic rules for parents that will surely lead to success and will not allow envy to settle in the child's soul.
Links
- I do not envy you (a little about envy)
- Envy is a terrible feeling ... , women's social network MyJulia.ru
Admit it, all of you once envied someone both in childhood and in adulthood. How often have you heard that envy is a healthy feeling? It is unlikely that teachers and parents condemned you for him, and as adults, you hide in every possible way that you envy your work colleague, more successful fellow students or a sister who is more successfully married.
Envy- this is a special attitude to the success of other people, in any areas of life. This is an acquired character trait that is not given to a person by nature. She is brought up in a child by society. At first, he is jealous of a peer who has an expensive toy. Or in the family, he is envious and angry towards the younger brother or sister, whom, as he thinks, the parents love more. But it is difficult to express anger and negativity all the time, they are muffled, and envy is formed.
One's own or someone else's
Someone else's candy is always sweeter than their own. A toy in the hands of a neighbor in the sandbox is more interesting, although its own is exactly the same. At the age of 2-2.5 years, the child has a desire to take possession of the doll or car of another. And he immediately makes an attempt to pick up the toy he likes. Of course, this desire passes quickly.
The kid will play and throw or give the toy back and forget about it. But parents should benefit from the first manifestations of envy for the baby and for themselves. It is necessary from a young age to teach him to distinguish between his own and someone else's, to take a toy only with the permission of its owner, and to give his own, only with the approval of his parents. As a rule, the child violently expresses negativity about the fact that he does not receive the coveted someone else's toy. In this case, the mistake of the parents will be the promise to buy the same one. It is impossible to buy all things. It is better to take a distraction and switch the baby's attention to something else. For example, go on a swing or a slide, draw with crayons on the pavement, run a race with him together. Not even a minute will pass when he stops hysteria and bursts into merry laughter.
Envy in elementary school age
Children 7-11 years old usually envy their classmates if they have ultra-modern cell phones, tablets, electronic games, fashionable cartoon characters, etc. Often, those who do not have any of the above are pushed back to the backyard of the team by classmates, at best they do not notice them, at worst they are showered with ridicule and declared losers. And manufacturers of children's toys and gadgets have learned to make money on children's envy. At the same time, they do not hesitate to wind up prices to exorbitant heights. Of course, not all parents can afford to buy everything their child wants.
If a child dreams of some thing, you should not convince him of its worthlessness and uselessness. Yes, today this desire is very strong. But the fashion for toys is changing at lightning speed, and in a couple of weeks a new object of his dreams will appear. You can offer the child to spend the money that has accumulated in his piggy bank on the desired. If he agrees without hesitation, then this item is really important for him and is a kind of ticket to the group of the elite.
Envy or admiration?
Perhaps parents confuse envy and admiration. The child excitedly tells what toy Vasya, Petya, Kolya brought to school today, and his mother reprimands him how envious he is. And he just expressed his admiration, and that's fine. It is necessary to support him in this, to be sincerely surprised, to ask again if this robot really knows how to roll over and somersault. Such emotions need to be encouraged in the child, not suppressed. This is what the common people call white envy, a feeling that is not destructive, but creative. Perhaps a sincere interest in technology will be decisive in the future when choosing a profession.
The spirit of competition must be nurtured in the child. But comparing him with other children is not in his favor - this is a fatal mistake. When parents reproach that other children study better, draw well, have success in sports, and their child is not capable of anything, this is the way to the generation of complexes. It is right to tell a child that they believe in him, and he, too, will be able to achieve success in sports, art, and studies.
Teach your child to accept feelings of envy. Explain to him that this is not a shame, that everyone has it to one degree or another. But explain to him also that envy should not become the reason for his anger at other people.
The best way to wean a child from envy is to get rid of envy yourself and not speak negatively about work colleagues or neighbors in front of him.