So you finally found your happiness! Now you are everywhere and everywhere together: at breakfast and dinner, at a party, with friends, at billiards with his friends, and even go to the same gym to see each other! Indeed, it is wonderful when a couple in love is always together, and a man combines the qualities of a best friend and lover, and a woman is ready to become not just a gentle companion, but also a fan of Spartak, a business partner and a "drinking buddy". Ideally, probably, every girl dreams of such unity. But is it possible in reality? Or are we deceiving ourselves by trying to "dissolve" in a partner?
Own and others in relationships
Man is always zealously protects his personal space, and this happens quite naturally. "Why is he trying to teach me how to spend my money!?" You just received advice, but already perceive it as an infringement on your rights and freedoms. But on the other hand, we very successfully forget about the personal space of another person. And often we do not just give out advice, but even insist on their implementation.
Always needed in pairs compromise to solve life problems together. But in some very simple matters, it is best to allow yourself and your partner to remain in their own opinion and realize their interests, and not the interests of another. Well, for example, you, as a woman, consider hunting a cruel event, and in no way agree with your man's hobby. Of course, he is ready to give up this unseemly business for the sake of his beloved (under the influence of your plaintive eyes). But can he find a worthy replacement for this male hobby?
Are trips to your parents replace him with the pleasure of hunting passion? Excessive compliance or ignoring the interests of your soul mate will lead to the fact that latent dissatisfaction with your union will grow between you. And no one admits that the point is in him - in personal space, which is not enough. Learn to respect each other's personal space, then your couple will not be threatened by cataclysms of misunderstanding and quarrels. How to maintain personal space in a couple?
time in a relationship
Provide partner the right to spend some time apart from you. And in the same way, be sure to “get” yourself free hours for personal events. Both women and men suffer from total control of their free time by a partner. A jealous husband may not allow his wife to attend sports clubs, or tea parties with her friends. And the wife arranges scenes or is offended if the missus wants to spend the weekend in the garage under the hood of her beloved car.
Have hobbies and interests, which are simply incompatible, whichever you are. And if a loved one is drawn to beer with friends under a T-shirt, this does not mean that he does not love you. On the other hand, a woman who devotes all her free time only to a man quickly gets bored. Therefore, the right to personal time should be present even at the beginning of a relationship during the period of romantic love.
Territory personal space
You have little women's secrets? There is always a certain conditional territory of inviolability. And not because we do not trust our partner, but simply because we need to place our "I" somewhere. Traditionally, it is not customary to rummage through a spouse’s phone, encroach on his shaving accessories, or suddenly clean out his tool case.
Territories are usually conditional (personal laptop, favorite chair), but sometimes the need for personal territorial space has quite visible boundaries of the room, where there is only one person alone with his thoughts. After all, it happens that you want to be alone ... Your head is spinning from everyday worries, and here he is a partner who requires attention to himself. Respect should be shown both for the objects that make up a person’s personal space and for the need for temporary privacy.
Values and ideals in personal space
You don't have to have common tastes and views to live happily together for the rest of their lives. Often the most heated debates arise precisely on the basis of differences in values. We are accustomed to condemning others for dissent, and all the more we want to see a partner "in the image and likeness" of our own. And if your husband, in your opinion, is too soft on raising children, do not rush to accuse him of indifference to this issue. Perhaps he sincerely considers this method to be the best. Allow dissent in your couple: "I think so, and my husband differently. And this is our mutual right."
Always together in a relationship?
In life you always need adjust under the surrounding people, especially under his soul mate. But is it necessary to "dissolve" in each other? When your interests and values begin to be replaced by others, irritation, claims, resentment will involuntarily increase ...
Don't give up your personal space, and do not take it from another person. Always have your own "I" in order to keep such a pleasant pronoun "We"!
When a relationship is just being born, the candy-bouquet period for all couples goes about the same. Lovers tend to spend as much time as possible together, preferably alone, so that no one distracts them from knowing each other. Heart-to-heart conversations, touches that cause a whole explosion of feelings, kisses ... A man is ready to spend all his free time near his beloved, because he so wants to comprehend her nature, reveal all her secrets, and perhaps, if she allows, explore not only hidden corners her soul, but also her body. For a woman, this is a golden time: she bathes in attention, receives care and love, which she lacked so much ... She is flattered that a man spends all his time with her, preferring her to friends, hobbies and even sometimes to his parents. She loves and is loved - here it is, real female happiness!
But when the object of love and passion becomes her husband, the situation suddenly changes. He no longer devotes all his free time to her, because there are still his friends, his favorite hobby, playing sports and just the desire to relax after a hard day's work, listening to his favorite music or reading a men's magazine. And conflicts begin, since she believes that a man's personal space should revolve around one obligatory axis - herself. And it is at this stage that a woman makes mistakes, trying in every possible way to limit the freedom of her husband. She:
- Forbids him to meet with his friends, making demands to take her with him or not to meet at all;
- Makes scandals if he is late at work;
- Calls him every half hour, if by some miracle he nevertheless escaped to meet with his friends;
- Offended if he, being at home, wants to mind his own business;
- He tries to involve him in all his affairs, arguing that the spouses should do everything together.
ATTENTION! These are actions that lead to quarrels, scandals, male infidelity and divorce! You won't get anything else!
The personal space of a man is their natural need, which, by the way, they defend very zealously. Understand that if a man wants to meet his friends, this does not mean that he no longer loves you, that he puts his friends before his family! By no means! Just so he relaxes, rests. So he can appreciate your trust. So he manages to miss you even more and realize how dear you are to him. But we, women, very often do not understand this. We feel unwanted, unloved, abandoned, unhappy. But the roots of our such state lie in our mental traumas, and a man is not at all obliged to give up his personal space in order to lick these wounds for us. We must do this ourselves. First, let's analyze why women behave this way. There are a number of reasons for this:
1. A woman does not trust a man, suspects him of cheating;
2. A woman feels abandoned, unloved and unwanted. Thus, one of the 5 traumas that I described in the article is activated in her soul;
3. A woman does not love herself, she is not a source of love, but on the contrary, she needs it, like air. And when a man leaves, oxygen ceases to supply her with the opportunity to live, to feel like a full-fledged person;
4. A woman depends on a man, lives with his thoughts, feelings. She has no hobbies, hobbies, friends. She considers a man to be the center of her life, and perceives his departure as a betrayal.
In order to move on to the next step and start changing yourself, you need to understand why men need personal space so much. Imagine that you are in love with a person and therefore gladly agree to sit with him on the same imaginary chair. For a while you enjoy the closeness of your loved one, but then you suddenly want to do your own important things. When you try to move, you suddenly find yourself handcuffed to your chosen one. Since he believes that you should be constantly next to him. What will you experience? Resentment, anger, desire to be released as soon as possible, to defend their rights to a certain freedom of action. You will be outraged by the distrust of your loved one! That's all the same your husband feels when you do not let him engage in his hobbies.
So, now let's talk about what you need to do with yourself in order to change your position on this issue, not only in theory, but also in practice. In order to accept a man’s personal space, you need to “cure” the reason that pushes you to restrict your husband’s freedom. We have already considered these reasons above, now we will find out what needs to be done. Let's go through each point.
2. We identify which of the five injuries does not allow you to live a full life and heal it;
4. We begin to live our lives. Develop your feminine nature, learn to cook deliciously, dress beautifully, keep the house clean and tidy. Find like-minded friends, take care of your body, let women's sports help you with this. Start sewing clothes, create with your own hands, craft! Read interesting books, learn foreign languages... But you never know what else you can do to fill your life with meaning. And then you will become even more interesting, mysterious and attractive for your man!
Marina NikitinaAny, even the most ideal relationship, sooner or later becomes colder. And the reason for this is not the lack of love. Most often, the main thing is the need for personal space and. The average relationship goes through three stages:
Stage 1. Fairy tale in reality
At the beginning of a relationship, both partners devote all the time to each other. They tend to go for walks more often, play sports together, visit friends and parties. - a rhetorical question. One thing is clear - without the opportunity to hug or even touch your loved one, there is a feeling of discomfort, you want to immediately find out where he is and what he is doing. During the first weeks or months, such relationships are like a fairy tale, because mutual understanding reigns between partners, they know everything about each other, interests, habits and preferences of the second half. Communication brings only pleasant emotions, and life separately plunges into melancholy.
Stage 2. A little everyday life
Over time, constant closeness gets boring. No, love does not go away - there is a desire for personal territory, the boundaries of which are inviolable. Partners lose interest, the need to share plans or thoughts, tend to be alone. The thought creeps into my head that love has passed, and there is nothing surprising in this. After all, strong and trusting relationships cease to be the same.
Stage 3. "You don't love me!"
When such changes occur, it seems to lovers that the other half has fallen out of love with them or even has relationships on the side. Begin, control, requirements to be constantly together. This behavior is most often attributed to a woman, because a man is considered more freedom-loving and striving for independence. The image of a husband going fishing or a football match, and a wife who is trying to disrupt these plans, is firmly entrenched in the mind. But men, zealously defending the right to their own territory and hobbies, often infringe women in this desire. They seek to control her contacts with friends, demand that she be at home in her free time, and forbid her to attend parties or other events. But the fair sex also strive for personal space. Faced with a similar relationship from a partner, they naturally demand equality. Very rarely, after all this, the couple maintains a relationship. If this succeeds, one of the parties remains oppressed or submits, sacrificing its own interests.
The main reason for these disagreements and disagreements is the lack of personal space. It is caused by children's ideas about the ideal couple, who are only happy together. In reality, such relationships are doomed to fail. You cannot start creating them without understanding that each person is a person, and he needs a certain amount of free time and territory. No one likes constant control or having to account for every minute of free time spent apart.
In addition, at the heart of reliable and stable relationships. If you are sure that your loved one will not betray you and will support you in any situation, checks and unnecessary questions are ineffective. Otherwise, ask yourself: “Do I need such a relationship?” After all, constant jealousy, and spent nerves will not lead to results. Calls every half an hour, hundreds of text messages, checking emails and hacking pages on social networks - women explain this behavior as a desire to keep a loved one, but they rarely manage to achieve their goal. The result of such a relationship is a break.
After all, the human need for a certain freedom is as natural as the need for communication, respect or love. By depriving your soulmate of the right to independence, you not only infringe on her, but also endanger your own happiness.
What not to do if you seek personal space in a relationship:
Devote all free time
Your chosen one goes to the match of your favorite team? Do not rush to buy a whistle and become an ardent fan of football - let the man be in the company of friends. At this time, you can meet with friends or organize shopping. But even if you stay at home and read a book, you should not call your loved one or write SMS messages - he will think that you are doing something very interesting and will want to return home as soon as possible.
care too much
Remember how shy little children are when their mothers kiss or hug them in front of their friends? Your significant other is just as unpleasant when you treat her with excessive care. No, within reasonable limits, this is good, but constantly asking an adult if he is hungry or reminding him of a hat is pointless. After all, before meeting you, he calmly managed himself - and remained healthy, well-fed and did not suffer from beriberi. Accordingly, he is now able to take care of himself on his own.
To control
Nobody likes to be controlled. Calls every half an hour or SMS messages a hundred times a day can infuriate even the most patient and calm person. And if you also wait for him at the entrance to work or check his whereabouts, you can forget about normal relations.
Forbid
Each person in the process of development and maturation formed their own habits or hobbies. Let your partner be who he is. With all the flaws and habits. After all, you fell in love with him for who he is - so why remake your soulmate? If he likes to go fishing every weekend or visit a golf club, you should not insist on a joint picnic or a trip to his parents. Better take some time for yourself or arrange a meeting with friends.
Blame
Is your loved one late at work? Or visiting friends? You should not meet him with tears, with the phrases “You don’t love me” or with a reproachful look. Requests for forgiveness or explanations do not add positive and do not guarantee the cessation of similar things in the future. On the contrary, they destroy the desire to be with you.
Check
Remember that the foundation of a strong relationship is trust. Whether you're reading a loved one's text messages, checking new phone numbers, or eavesdropping, they feel cornered. The frustration of not being trusted and trying to check every word or follow every step will eventually win love.
These six rules will allow you to take your relationship to the next level by adding some trust, mutual respect and.
3 Ways to Guarantee Your Own Territory and Rekindle Your Feelings.
personal territory
This is not about separate bedrooms. In the West, this tradition is very common, but it has not yet taken root in our country. A personal area can be a small shelf or a separate workplace. There is only one rule - only the owner can access it. Even if chaos reigns on the table of your soulmate, do not clean it up. Let your loved one or loved one know that no one will rummage through papers or rearrange things - this will make the relationship more trusting.
Spend time away from each other
If few people agree to vacation in different cities or even countries, spending just a couple of hours a day separately is a completely doable task. Go to a fitness class or visit a beauty salon, and let your loved one meet up with friends or go hunting. At the same time, constant calls are definitely superfluous. Let your loved one be alone with you, and you will see that after the break you will rush to each other with new feelings.
Don't tell everything
Conversation is important and necessary. But there are situations when there is simply no desire to speak. It is not necessary to forcefully explain the reason for such a state. It is much better to say that you want to be alone, and are not inclined to talk. If your partner loves you, he will definitely understand and will not insist.
In each pair, everything develops individually. And the time that partners spend together depends only on their characters and preferences. But if a man and a woman love each other, they will always find a compromise. Provide your partner with a territory whose boundaries no one crosses, and free time, which he manages at his own discretion. As a result, returning home every day and sharing the news will be a pleasant need, not a duty. 2-3 hours a day are already useful in that they make it possible to get bored and give new sensations. And the confidence that your significant other trusts you and is not looking for confirmation of your words is simply pleasant.
If you want to create a relationship that is based on mutual understanding and love, do not violate the personal space of another person. The awareness of freedom allows both parties to feel happy and confident in each other. Do not demand from a loved one or loved one to be constantly together and do not control him / her. But do not let anyone violate your personal space - you have the same right to it as the other person. Remember: only by maintaining freedom and not requiring constant reports from your partner, you will create a strong alliance based on trust and mutual respect.
March 17, 2014, 04:35 PMAuthors: Adizes I., Madanes I., Madanes R.
Both organizations and families are systems. For the successful operation of the system that is marriage, the implementation of four roles is necessary. First, the fulfillment of many responsibilities: taking care of each other, caring for the house and children, providing the income the family needs, etc.
Being a system, the family needs discipline and rules - otherwise there will be no order in it. The order must change depending on the circumstances, since marriage is a choice for many years, and over time, in order to remain functional, it must evolve. And, finally, unity and harmony should reign in the family, based on closeness, mutual assistance and ... love.
So, four different roles must be realized in the family in order for all these actions to become possible: Production of results (Production - P), Administration (Administration - A), Entrepreneurship (Enterpreneurship - E) and Integration (Integration - I), which and make up the abbreviation PAEI. In the event that one or more roles are not fulfilled, something will be missing in the marriage, and it risks breaking on the rocks.
All four PAEI roles cannot be combined with each other at the same time, and no one can simultaneously perform them alone. Thus, marriage is a complementary team, where one of the partners takes on one part of the roles, and the other takes the rest. This explains why opposites attract.
The trouble is that when people with dissimilar styles of behavior get together, conflicts arise among them. The conflict can go into a destructive phase and lead to divorce. And it can help further development and self-realization. It depends on whether there is mutual respect and trust in the family.
This is a book about mutual respect and trust and how to develop and nurture them in your family.
From the foreword by Yitzhak Adizes
Over the years that I have worked with hundreds of companies and thousands of executives, in their testimonials, clients tell me that they apply the Adizes methodology, which we taught them in consultations, and in their family life. People note that it changes their relationships in families for the better. Some even believe that she saved their marriage. I am referring to the usual comprehension difficulties and the like that everyone faces in a marriage, not the problems that result from personal psychological deficiencies that require separate professional intervention.
I was asked to write a book on how the Adizes methodology applies to family life. The problem is, I don't have time for this at all. For years, I have been hard at work advising major corporations and government leaders around the world. When did I have to write such a book?
By a stroke of luck, Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes became fascinated with my theory and asked permission to write a book on using the PAEI Adizes manual style code for the enneagrams, which is their own specialty. I agreed and their book was published and translated into three languages.
Then I learned that they didn't just teach how to apply the enneagram. Based on the enneagrams, they conduct family and relationship training. “Why don’t you try using the Adizes theory in the same way?” I asked them.
They liked the idea very much, and this book was born.
Who is this book for?
For anyone who wants to strengthen their family.
Should personal space be respected in a relationship?
At the first stages of a love relationship, you really want to be close to a person every second - to see him and admire every movement, listen to his compliments and give him compliments in return. Even at night, even if your relationship has not reached the intimate stage, you still want to see your loved one.
Whether it's love or addiction, it doesn't matter. One thing is important - the person should be next to you, otherwise you begin to experience discomfort, you do not want to do anything. Even if you used to sleep soundly, you cannot close your eyes without a loved one.
This is such a nice romantic story. If only this moment could last a lifetime. But alas, time passes, and your relationship grows with time. You decide to tie the knot, have a baby and live together. Well, great plans. But you feel that your relationship is not as warm and hot as before. If a couple of years ago you could not breathe without each other, today you no longer feel such a sharp need. Yes, you have common interests, you feel good together, but you no longer spend every minute with each other. Your partner increasingly has a desire to be alone or go to meet friends, and you do not mind spending your leisure time separately.
The desire to find time for solitude is very difficult for the fair sex to perceive. It may seem to them that the man fell out of love, lost interest, and even started an “affair” on the side. As for men, they are less vulnerable and understand the importance of personal space. When they spend every hour with their chosen one and only with her, they begin to feel bound hand and foot, as if their whole life is under someone else's control. Men strive for freedom and independence. If they are married, there is no question of complete freedom, and men (at least those who made the decision to marry consciously) do not demand it, but they will defend their right to personal space at any cost.
Everything would be fine, however, men also have their “sins”. Some of them, zealously defending their own right to have personal space, infringe on their beloved in this right. They do not allow her to meet with her friends, to be alone with herself, etc., as they are afraid of a possible betrayal by a partner. In addition, most men are owners and want their woman to be with them only. The result of such actions causes dissatisfaction among women and demands to respect equality. Alas, it is often the lack of personal space of one of the partners that is the reason for the breakdown of relations.
The reason for the lack of personal space in relationships is the stereotype imposed on many since childhood “beloved hearts should always do everything together.” If both partners adhere to this principle and are ready to be together every second (and even go to the toilet together) - no problem, so be it. The main thing is that both of them feel good about it. But, as practice shows, such couples are in a clear minority.
Which couples find it easiest to negotiate personal space? Those in which both partners do not support the stereotype “beloved hearts should always do everything together” and honor their right to personal space. But, more importantly, they respect the partner's right to have personal space and completely trust him. They know - wherever their partner goes without him / her, he will remain faithful and never betray. And trust in a relationship is above all. Indeed, in families in which there is no trust, jealousy arises. Jealousy, in turn, leads to constant conflicts, the end result of which may be the decision to divorce.
Worst of all, when one of the partners (in 90% this is a woman) does not agree that the partner should have personal space. They attribute this to love and the desire to save the family, but in reality it looks like an unhealthy addiction and the first step towards the end of a relationship. Constant calls for no reason, hundreds of SMS messages a day, and even ... a secret agent who is watching a partner. What people will not do to have complete control over a person. Is this behavior correct? If you are trying to destroy the family and cause dissatisfaction with your partner, then yes. In other cases, this should not be done.
A person's need for personal space is as universal as his need for recognition, respect, communication and love. For some, this need is more pronounced, and for some it is less pronounced, but the fact remains that there is such a need, and sooner or later a person will try to satisfy it. Why is it so necessary for a person? Just in order not to go crazy from the monotony of life, and also not to lose your human appearance. A person should feel that he has his own territory, which is completely under his control. No one has the right to enter this territory - even the closest people.
Thus, we can safely say that personal space in relationships can and should be observed, because violation of a person’s personal space leads to frequent conflict situations.