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Hyper-custody over a child: causes, consequences, advice to parents. What is overprotectiveness. What causes it and what are the consequences. What to do for children. Tips for parents.
Taking care of children is normal behavior on the part of parents. But more and more often there are situations when parents, for one reason or another, take too much care of their children. Not giving them freedom and independence in making this or that decision. The other side of the coin is also dangerous - the lack of attention from the older generation. One way or another, neither overprotection nor its absence is desirable for children. You can learn about how parents not to go too far from the material of the article.
What is overprotectiveness
- Some parents cross the line in raising and caring for children. By exercising excessive care, they themselves do not understand that they are violating the natural process of the child's development and blocking his opportunity to gain experience. Signs that overprotection may interfere with the growth and development of children can include the following indicators:
- There are times when parents try to stand up for their children, literally depriving them of the opportunity to learn to stand up for themselves on their own. So, when coming to school to talk with the offender, parents do not think about the future reputation of the child in the form of a "mama's boy" and the like, which may further negatively affect the overall formation of development.
- This picture is often seen. If the child has fallen, then parents or grandparents, instead of actually helping the child, often try to smooth out the conflict by encouraging them in the form of sweets and toys. In this case, the child may develop social dependence and too high a level of self-esteem, and with the help of such tricks, he may try to manipulate adults in his favor.
- Often there is such a picture that a child who has already reached a fairly adult level cannot even be in different rooms with his parents. Parents control every step of the child, not realizing that they are ruining his psychological development.
- Another mistake of parents is the restriction of the child. Children are quite freedom-loving creatures and any restriction does not leave the best imprint on their psyche. Often such children grow up as rebels and representatives of a certain culture, as if in protest against restrictions and social norms.
- The carrot-and-stick method of raising children is only useful when used in the right way. When there is a totalitarian control of the mother over the daughter, and the father over the son, any going beyond the family traditions that such parents establish leads the child to sometimes cruel punishment.
- Often, parents focus their child's attention on only one area of life. Job search, study, and so on. And if the child does not correspond to their fictitious ideals or is below the level of the children of family friends, then the parents begin to psychologically put pressure on the child, and in turn, perfectionism develops over time, which interferes with the overall formation of the child's personality.
Why does overprotection appear?
Hyper-custody does not appear out of nowhere. The reasons can be a variety of factors, but knowing some of them can reveal the pattern in time and prevent the negative impact of the behavior of such parents on the life of the child.
One of the most common reasons is the unwillingness of parents to be left alone. In other words, the older the child, the more parents are afraid that he will leave them. Studies show that the fear of loneliness in old age haunts a greater number of older parents.
Some parents are too overbearing. They are not able to trust their child, and, as a result, they themselves can slow down the process of its general development. For example, not letting one go to school, not allowing certain things to be done without logical reasons, and so on.
Often behind the total control of parents over their children lies the banal desire of parents to assert themselves at the expense of their child. For example, too high demands on the child, misunderstanding, disbelief in his strength, all this may indicate an attempt of psychological control on the part of the adult generation and unwillingness to accept the child as he is.
Sometimes the cause of excessive custody is the jealousy of the parents and the unwillingness to let the child go into adulthood. Such behavior is often found when parents do not accept the second half of their child, considering the union not strong enough, immoral, and so on.
Consequences of overprotection
If parents still do not want to let their adult children go away from them, they risk ruining their child's life. Such overprotection can affect the child in the following ways:
What to do for children
Children who understand that overprotection in the family has been or is present can act as follows:
- Children can come to terms with such a condition of existence, but when their parents are gone, their way of life will be completely disrupted, and for them a strange world and independent life can become a real tragedy.
- Often children rebel against their parents and established norms, which in this case can also be taken as normal behavior.
- Sometimes adult children choose a middle method between the first and second. They simply do not tell their parents about their plans, but act on their own, overcoming their fears and going beyond the usual limits of comfort. This method is the most convenient and will allow parents to understand without scandal that the child is no longer a child, but an adult and mature person with their own values and beliefs.
In any case, it is worth remembering that in the custody of children you need to be able to find a golden mean, otherwise there is a risk of ruining life not only for yourself, but also for your child.
Marina, go home! It's already nine o'clock in the evening!" You might think that this little girl is called by her mother from the yard, shouting out the window, but, alas, no: Marina is 39, and her 70-year-old mother tells her this on a work phone, not noticing that another employee of the department picked up the phone. At work, there is a rush at the end of the block, but mom doesn’t care - her daughter should be at home at exactly nine, period.
“Mom, I understand everything, I will improve. I won't be like this anymore", - another girl smiles on Skype. Mom lives in Omsk, but this does not prevent her from controlling every step of her daughter, who lives and works in Moscow. Daughters 41, she has never been married and has no children, but when choosing shoes, she notes: "Mom would never wear these".
Another girl asks for a consultation via Skype, always at 10 am on Saturday. "I'm sorry, but I'm busy with this time", I answer. "Oh please!- the girl begs and does not give up. - Only at this time I stay at home alone, because every Saturday morning my mother goes to the pool with her friends. At other times, she might see me talking to someone and get suspicious. I'll get it!"
Mom is very worried if a text message does not arrive from her daughter, who is on a business trip on the opposite side of the globe, at the promised time, and begins to call in hysterics, not understanding the time of day and not counting the tariffs for negotiations.
Mom is categorically against the fact that the 27-year-old daughter went for a walk with a man— "Suspicious type!" In order to still get out on a date, the daughter has to show such miracles of conspiracy, as if she did not live with her own mother, but with a jealous and vindictive mafia husband.
“I want a man in my life. Please teach me how to behave so that I can attract him. Just please, let's not touch mom and don't dig into my relationship with her., — I have been asked this question many times.
Make me a husband, otherwise my mother would very much like to nurse her grandchildren. And if not married, then help me at least find a lover to conceive a child - my mother and I will grow up together, without a father. Mom agrees.
I'm sorry, but this request goes something like this, as if a girl came to an appointment with a gynecologist and said: “Doctor, I really want to get pregnant! Please help me! Just in no case do not remove the intrauterine device - I'm so used to it, I really need it ".
Yes, science knows cases when women became pregnant and in the presence of a spiral in the uterus, only this did not affect the health of the babies born in the best way, and their pregnancy remained much more “despite” than “thanks”.
If you have a relationship with your mother that is “abortive” for relationships with men, then you have to choose Either you leave one, or you reject it and try to build another.
If, despite the conditions of strict conspiracy and the requirement to be at home at nine sharp, the girl still manages to weaken her mother’s control at least an iota and miraculously get married, then for marriage, the atmosphere of mother-daughter relations will in any case be fatal.
Either they will try to make the husband another mother's child, or, as in a joke, after a while the mother will say: “What is this stranger doing here? After all, you have already given birth to a child from him, it would be time to kick him out.
The main difficulty here is that mom is often a "blind spot". Relations with her, her behavior is beyond criticism, because mom is sacred. "Well, I'm not a teenager to rebel, - replies a 37-year-old expensively and tastefully dressed lady, a successful lawyer.
“Mom is already old, now it’s my turn to take care of her.”. And on Friday evening, she obediently rolls her brand new car to her mother's dacha with a full trunk of food, while her single friends go to have fun.
So from her mother's daughter, the girl gradually turns into her mother's caring parent, and in this role you can stay until death do you part. True, at this moment, your mother may already be 90 years old, and you are 70 years old, but will you regret in your 70s that you devoted your whole life to your mother? After all, this is your dearest person.
If a girl “bewitched by her mother” comes to solve her problems using the method of family constellations or psychodrama, then we often see a picture in which there is no place for a man, because the mother is standing there with her daughter in the place of everyone. It fills the whole space with itself, as in blissful infancy.
In the old days in Spain there was a tradition: the eldest daughters in the family were given in marriage, and the third, the youngest, remained with her parents, did not marry and was obliged to serve as a nurse in her old age.
Today we can watch a film about this and shed a tear, seeing how the third daughter, due to family traditions, cannot marry her beloved, but in ancient Spain, parents were at least honest with their daughter.
They told her directly: Dolores and Mercedes will marry, and you, Conchita, will put our old age to rest. Our compatriots and contemporaries often wish their daughter marriage and motherhood in words, but in reality they do not let her go a single step, do not give even the slightest chance to start an independent life and meet love.
What to do, how to separate an adult daughter from her mother if she did not do this at the right age? Little by little, learn to distinguish between where my mother is and where mine is, what my mother wants and what I want. Learn to say “no” to your mother, for starters, at least in small things.
No thanks mom, I don't want pancakes right now. Yes, I understand that you baked it, tried, thank you for your efforts, but right now I don’t want to.
There is such a "magic" resolving phrase:"Mom, I'm a grown woman and I went". There is nothing rude, disrespectful and even more offensive in it. If you are not yet ready to say this to your mother in person, you are afraid of offending her, then try to say it to her mentally or referring to an empty chair on which you can imagine your mother.
Sometimes a different phrase helps: “Mom, I will be happy in my personal life and get married even if it makes you happy”. It works in the event that unconscious adherence to the principle “to spite my mother I will frostbite my ears” leads you to loneliness - since my mother insistently demands a ring on my ring finger and grandchildren from me, then I will express my protest to her at least this way, remaining unmarried and childless.
But isn't the price too high? Ears are their own, new ones to spite their mother will not grow.
It would seem that there is nothing better than the care of mom and dad, except for them, no one in the world can be closer and more expensive. But it turns out that parental love is sometimes very much and even excessive. It interferes with living a fulfilling life, sometimes causing a depressing feeling of guilt and regret.
There are a lot of reasons for parental overprotection:
1. Lack of attention in childhood. Not having received full parental attention in childhood, many grow up with a lack of love and care. The instinct of parental care fails, and hence the constant control and guardianship of their children, the desire to give them as much love as possible.
2. Non-realization. It is very difficult to realize that what you once dreamed of in your youth did not come true and remained behind the curtain of the past. There is only one way out of this situation - to insist and force your children to realize their dream. Leading along the path of achieving what you want and instructing at the same time is the goal of life, according to parents. Only they can give valuable advice to their child, so the constant suggestion: “You are still so stupid, but your parents know how to do it” will accompany you all your life.
3. Guilt before the child. Life is sometimes so unpredictable that, due to some circumstances, a mother could feel negative towards her baby, maybe even not yet born. The constant feeling of guilt on a subconscious level pushes her to a special manifestation of love and tenderness. Hyper-custody becomes a companion for many years, now no one can accuse her of being a bad parent.
4. The need for constant attention and recognition. That's who really poses a threat to the psychological comfort of their children: ambitious and domineering parents, striving to raise a genius no matter what. Every step and movement, word and action is controlled especially carefully. Basically, such guardianship is in the nature of a demonstration and window dressing for others.
5. Fear of loneliness. This is a common problem in single parent, single child families. A mother who has devoted her whole life to raising a child is very afraid to break this connection. When a son or daughter grows up, she begins to feel panic attacks of loneliness and abandonment. Mom no longer has such influence and authority, and in fact the child no longer needs her. This provokes her to take extreme measures, she is ready to do anything to stay in the child's life: tantrums, lectures, scandals, resentment - all in order for the child to remain under her control and guardianship.
Consequences of overprotective parenting
It is not necessary that the victim of parental overprotection will remain unhappy for life. Many take this quite calmly, create their own families and do not experience any difficulties in communication.
But these are few victims of parental love. Most of the grown-up children are daily subjected to emotional pressure from their parents. The consequences of such care and attention are sad:
Lack of autonomy and decision making;
Because of the fear of repeating the situation (projection of mother's behavior onto wife)
Constant dependence on someone else's opinion;
Lack of adaptation to life changes;
Lack of self-esteem and a statement.
How to get rid of overprotective parents?
How to start a new life and not offend your dear parents? Undoubtedly, all their care and attention come from a pure heart. Sometimes they do not even notice that they are taking care of their children too intrusively and immensely.
1. One way to get out of parental custody is to have an open and honest conversation. Without shouting, mutual claims and scandals. Perhaps the parents themselves do not suspect how much they take care of their already adult child and interfere in his personal life and space. The conversation will help to define the limits of permissibility in caring.
2. Openness to parents is another step towards getting rid of guardianship. It is quite understandable that parents ask so many questions only because they do not know at all what and how their adult child lives. It is not necessary to inform all the little things of your personal life, it is enough to give a little information about your plans for the future and tell what is happening in life today.
3. Replay the history of relationships and exercise control over the parents themselves. Start calling yourself to find out about plans and mood, be more interested in business and well-being - “prevent” sudden questions, calls and visits.
4. Inform about trips, business trips or just long walks. Parents will be calm. It is quite possible that the information that the children will give in doses about their lives will be enough for them.
5. Employment and financial independence will define a certain boundary between parents and children. Successes and achievements at work will help parents come to terms with the idea that the child is an adult and does not need constant care.
6. Moving to another area or even a city will not leave a chance for parents to patronize and load with their love. To avoid hourly telephone instructions, arrange a time to communicate with parents in advance.
Leaving or separating from your beloved parents does not mean abandoning them. Parents will always be mentors, teachers, doctors, even if their child is well over 30. Most often, their excessive love and care manifest themselves completely unconsciously. Or maybe someone will conclude: as long as the parents are alive and take care of us as best they can, then this is happiness.
Dad and mom are the closest people in most people's lives. However, at some point, parents and their child must move away from each other, no matter how difficult it may be. Often, adults who, even in adulthood, live under the close supervision of the older generation, experience all the hardships of their love and excessive guardianship, but cannot refuse it in any way, fearing to offend their mother or father. How to establish healthy boundaries in communication with parents so as not to suffer from increased attention and at the same time maintain a good relationship with them, the site advises.
Many people do not know how to get rid of overprotective parents
In recent decades, the tendency to move out of the parental home at the onset of adulthood has become increasingly common. However, many young people continue to live with their parents even at the age of 20 or even 30, which is why they often experience discomfort. If you "got" overprotective parents, you know firsthand what it means to account for every late return home or, for example, for your own way of managing a personal budget. Not to mention personal life ... At best, you will get off with reports of what was eaten for dinner and whether a hat was worn.
The fact that mom and dad want to protect their child, albeit completely independent, from all sorts of troubles and hardships is normal.
However, control that goes beyond any limits, the imposition of one's opinion and the rules of life will not please any sane person. Such relationships between adult children and their parents cannot be called normal, and in order to correct them, it is necessary to take quite radical measures. Readers of our forum have been discussing for years how to gain independence from their parents, but at the same time maintain warm and friendly relations with them.
Someone prefers to resolutely "bud off" from the representatives of the older generation and fill their own bumps, while it seems more correct for someone to accept the rules of the game of mom and dad so as not to upset them and not make them worry.
It is often difficult for adult children to separate from their mother and father.
Recently, one of the readers of our forum created a thread in order to ask users how to push their own mother to move out of her apartment. In her message, the girl said that their life together brings her psychological and domestic discomfort, but she has already broken her head in an attempt to find the right words and ask her parent to find another place to live.
The author's father cheated on her mother, who, learning from this, went to live with her daughter. For three months now, the parent has been pestering the girl with claims: you can’t get up early, because she wakes her up, don’t eat up too, and there can be no question of planning the purchase of groceries on your own.
In addition, the mother of our reader in an orderly tone tells her to go home after work and not linger anywhere. A separate topic is the comparison of the daughter with the married heirs of her friends ...
The apartment was bought by the girl's father, who, by the way, comes home literally a day later to ask for forgiveness from his wife. Every communication between the author's mom and dad ends in a scandal, the same thing happens when the daughter hints to the parent that she should find another place to live. The reader is completely at a loss and incomprehension of what to do next, and therefore spoke about her problem on the forum.
old legend
As the psychotherapist Aina Gromova notes, this situation is typical for Russian families. “In the mentality of Russians and residents of the countries of the post-Soviet space, in principle, there is no such thing as “healthy borders.” The way of too close interpenetration into each other's intimate space flourishes and is passed down from generation to generation. With all significant people, it is customary to build relationships on the principle of merger. But the norm is mutual respect and understanding that two (!) separate people live side by side,” our expert believes.
Codependency between parents and children is widespread in our country.
Most of the readers of our forum are sure that the author of the post urgently needs to dot the i in relations with her mother and make it clear that she is an adult who does not need instructions on how to live. If this fails, it is necessary to insist that the parent move out, no matter how difficult it may be to do so.
“She is manipulating you. Speak directly: it was their choice - to give birth to you, their choice - to buy you an apartment. But let them deal with their problems on their own - you have your own, completely independent life. Talk to her directly and ask her to move. Don't let a woman who doesn't respect you rule your life," one commenter advises.
However, there are those who believe that the desire to put a mother out of the door, who recently experienced her husband's betrayal, is inhumane.
Many advise our readers to endure all the discomfort that living together with her mother brings to her in order to support her and become a real support.
“In a difficult situation, your mother counted on the help of the closest person - her own daughter, what is strange? She raised you, raised you, solved your problems, and you told her: "Get out, figure it out yourself." After all, no one owes anything to anyone, right? one of the readers shamed the author. Many also point out to the girl who came up with the problem that she did not buy the apartment herself, and therefore she is obliged to indulge the whims of her parents and, at the first request, allow them to use their housing as they want.
Our reader does not know how to build boundaries in communication with her mother
Among the comments there is also practical advice on how to resolve the conflict with “little blood” - that is, move out to the father for a while so that the woman is left alone and bored ... Perhaps this is how she will begin to react differently to her husband and go towards him in his attempts to reconcile .
What is the reason
Aina Gromova believes that the problem of overprotection and violation of personal boundaries always begins in childhood. “When a child is born, his parents already create a certain “program” for him - they know how he should grow up, how he should think. Of course, in some ways they are right, because it is the task of mom and dad to fill the child with knowledge, skills, values. However, often, they go too far, they begin to educate their child with distortion, broadcasting their tasks absolutely without any boundaries, without understanding that this is a different person, that he is not their property.
The psychotherapist is sure that in the post-Soviet space, most people do not have the habit of respecting someone else's personal space - not only territorial, but also the choice and responsibility for it of another person.
As a result, the child often becomes a hostage to the parents' attitudes, which he cannot get rid of, even as an adult.
It is important for children to show their parents in time that they have already grown up.
Such a person does not have his own opinions and values, but has a firm conviction that he "owes" his parents, simply because they gave birth to and raised him. Such a merger eventually leads to constant conflicts. From birth, a co-dependent child learns to build relationships with all significant people on the principle of mutual penetration into an intimate space and the absence of boundaries. And either he himself will “strangle” those close to him with his control, or he will “suffocate”, being under hyper-guardianship.
How to be further?
According to psychotherapist Aina Gromova, in families where parents overprotect their adult children, there have never been interpersonal boundaries. This situation also happened in the family of the girl who wrote on our forum. “Her mom and dad did not live very well, and everything came to a logical outcome. Mom decided to move in with her daughter, not realizing that she has the right to her own life,” says Aina Gromova.
Therefore, our heroine found herself in a situation where her mother tells her how to live, not understanding her separate, free will, not seeing the difference between her desires and the desires of her daughter.
First of all, the author of the post, like all people suffering from parental overprotection, needs to recognize codependence in relations with them and begin to destroy it, giving preference to their desires and not being led by the parent.
At the same time, it is important not to allow parents to manipulate themselves - it is necessary to clearly insist on their position and voice their own thoughts and requests in terms of further interaction and conflict resolution. Only in this way can you build boundaries between yourself and a suffocatingly caring mother and maintain a warm and trusting relationship with her.
Expert: child and family psychologist, gestalt therapist, art therapist Lilia Alekseenko
Usually, the mother of a newborn baby does not take her eyes off her child: she constantly watches how he is covered, whether he breathes well, whether he lies in the correct position, is it time to change a diaper or feed.
Anxious love
At first, maternal care for the baby is a guarantee of safety. Mom is nearby - it means everything is in order, she took it in her arms and pressed it to her chest - a feeling of happiness and peace. However, a newborn child does not remain for life - he grows, develops, is interested in the world, wants to explore it with a minimum of control. And then some parents begin to go to extremes, continuing to take care of the child excessively, preventing him from taking a single careless step. Such total control is called hyperprotection of the child: when the independence of the baby is limited to a minimum, and parental care turns into tyranny.
Why is this happening? The stressful state provoked by a hormonal surge after childbirth induces anxiety and fears on a young mother, which, by the way, are regularly heated up in the media. The woman begins to feel that the child is constantly in danger, even if everything is in order with him.
After about two months, this obsessive state disappears and the mother begins to feel more confident. If the fears do not go away, but continue to torment the mother's heart in a double mode, then the woman needs help: after all, the more parents take care of the child, the more fears it gives rise to. In addition, the connection between the mother and the baby is very strong, and he feels almost the same emotions - fear, anxiety, anxiety.
In raising children, overprotection begins with “don’t go up the hill - you will fall, break your arm and end up in the hospital”, “you can’t go to the pool - you will drown.” But such a state can last for years, because overprotective parents do not pay attention to age, continuing to “hang” over the schoolchild and teenager: “Don’t go here - it’s slippery, you will fall”, “I will cut the bread myself, you will cut yourself”, “Don’t touch the matches , you are clumsy, you will burn the whole apartment. As a rule, all these characteristics have nothing to do with the child, being in full measure the psychological problems of the parents. That's right - with the best intentions and solely out of love, moms and dads make their children insecure, weak, notorious.
In fact, parental overprotection has nothing to do with love, but only disguises itself as it. What then is the difference? It is easy to define it: in love there is always trust and respect, in hyper-custody - control, distrust, the requirement to obey the parental will, an attempt to remake the child “for oneself”. True, there is another extreme - complete permissiveness. And although it looks softer (“You don’t need to touch the knife, dear, I myself, it’s not a man’s business to cut the salad”), but as a result it leads to the same deplorable consequences.
As a rule, children of single and dissatisfied parents suffer from adult overprotection: such mothers and fathers lack the love and confidence that they dream of receiving from a child, “investing” in him the maximum of “care”.
Parenting Styles: Overprotective as Conniving or Dominating
Hyper-custody over a child is not just a whim or whim of a parent. This is a psychological manifestation in which it is advisable to seek help from a specialist. First of all, because the parents themselves are unlikely to consider the peculiarities of their care for the child as something “wrong”.
From the point of view of psychology, manifestations of overprotection are characterized by two extremes. The first is permissiveness, which experts called indulgent overprotectiveness in the family. Indulgent parents allow the child almost everything. But at the same time, adults are not only always ready to justify the actions of the child, but also give up their own needs in order to please the baby. Here there is a psychological substitution of concepts, when under the slogan "All the best for the child!" it does not mean the readiness of the parent to come to the rescue, but the execution of all the orders of the little "king". In a condoning family, empathy and empathy are not instilled in other people. And, of course, here even thoughts do not allow for punishment for "pranks." "Padishah" is growing in an atmosphere of stormy applause and admiration for his "talents, beauty and intelligence." The exclusivity of the "object" is emphasized literally at every step, and he does not even suspect about life's troubles, because the parents do everything to "protect the beloved." It is not surprising that the child becomes addicted to such a "drug" and over time he has a growing desire to get more and more. In addition, the periodic “forays” of the “homegrown king” into real life bring a lot of trouble to parents, and to the “monarch” himself - nervous shocks and tantrums. Accustomed to constantly being in the center of attention and admiration, a grown child seeks to maintain this state in any place and in any way - up to suicide attempts, if he is denied something.
Experts call the other extreme of the manifestation of hyperprotection dominant. Here
From birth, parents teach the baby “not to do”: “Don’t touch”, “Don’t stop”, “Don’t walk”, etc. In parallel with prohibitions, vigilant control over every movement of the child works, turning into total surveillance. The child is obliged to account for every "breath", and especially for the instructions given by the parents. Any manifestations of independence are nipped in the bud: "Don't even try until you've grown up", "You won't succeed anyway", "You can't do that". If the child nevertheless “dared” to make an attempt and made a mistake, he is punished: “After all, you were warned not to do this. If you didn’t listen, it means that you will be left without games again. ” Here the same substitution of concepts takes place, only under a different slogan: "The safety of the child is above all." Is it any wonder that such "security control" turns a small person into a "terrified animal" that suffers from addictions and inexplicable fears.
Hyper-care: consequences and life after total control
It is unlikely that any of the overprotective parents suspects that they are doing great harm to the child and are practically a dictator for him. And the child himself does not allow the thought that mom or dad are doing badly, because “everything is done for him”, because he himself is “incapable of anything”, “clumsy”, “indecisive”, etc. It is quite natural that this child has a guilt complex.
This is how teenagers become "difficult" and their parents "ununderstandable". How do "difficulties" manifest themselves? For example, a child one day can get out of parental control and fall under another - yard. And here, as you know, there are a lot of options, ranging from smoking to crime. In contrast to an uncontrolled teenager, a variant of complete dependence on parents is possible: without a mother or father, a young person is not able to find a friend or soul mate, after graduating from school - to choose a university, a profession, then - to get a job.
All these "difficulties" are united by common characteristics: uncertainty, lack of initiative, irresponsibility. Subsequently, a “learned helplessness” is formed in a person – an inability to improve one’s life, even if there are prerequisites for this. The life of such a person will be much harder than the life of those who have been instilled with independence and a sense of responsibility since childhood.
How do such qualities begin to mature inside the child as a result of parental overprotection? The consequences in the classic versions can be seen on the playground. Mom or dad: "Step away from this swing, you will break your head or get dirty, and then mom will wash it all." And here is a classic example of a mother’s overprotection: “If mom says that you can’t do this, then good boys don’t do that.” Or a variant of hyper-custody over a daughter: “You are a girl, so you must be neat and always clean. Do not get involved in boyish games, you will be offended here.
In fact, the child now has only two options - either act secretly from the parents, or do nothing without an order. By forbidding to act, the parent openly reports that the child is clumsy and will not cope with the task. In other words, it deliberately lowers his self-esteem and brings up internal complexes. In addition, the child is deprived of the opportunity to recognize, compare and draw their own conclusions from the results.
So, if you recognize yourself as an overprotective parent and want to make a difference, where do you start?
- First, with the realization that the child needs his own life experience. And for its formation, he will learn the world, periodically receiving blows, experiencing grief, aggression, experiences, learning to resist and show patience.
- Secondly, of course, a child should not be deliberately sent to dangerous experiments and allowed to "try himself" in criminal and life-threatening situations. Parents are needed in order to insure in time, to suggest how to act better and more efficiently. Want to dive into the sea? First, teach him to swim, explain how to competently hold his breath and behave underwater. Likes to climb trees? Just stand below and watch, but without "oh, you're about to fall!". Want to tinker in the mud and puddles? Why not - just warn that for this you need to wear special overalls and special boots that will be easy to wash.
- Thirdly, under such supervision and with such support, you will be able to educate a person who will learn to make decisions, to be courageous, to have a concept of will and personal responsibility. It is not necessary to do this only by introducing force majeure situations into the life of a child: responsibility and determination can be brought up both in domestic work and in instilling a competent attitude to money.
This is especially true for boys. Indeed, most often, a mother’s overprotection of her son leads to the fact that the mother does not allow the little man to help her with the housework, make purchases, show sympathy, protect her from someone else’s aggression or rudeness. However, if you allow the little man to make his choice and establish communications, you will soon begin to watch with admiration how yesterday’s “kid” reports that he “will choose his own shirt for these trousers” or how he independently conducts an adult conversation with the seller about favorite gadget.
The mother's overprotection, who seeks to "save the baby" from mistakes and "resolves" his conflicts herself, does not allow the future man to get the most valuable thing - life experience. Of course, you should not take it to extremes: for example, if you received information that a child is being attacked at school or he has become the object of psychological harassment, he must be protected and supported. And in a serious situation - contact the school administration, demand clarification of the circumstances and, if necessary, file a complaint with the court or the prosecutor's office. However, even here it is necessary to “separate powers”: you should communicate separately with an adult audience (class teacher, director), and a child with his offenders. The only thing that should be reminded to the son is that the proceedings should not go beyond legal actions. Your task is to give the child an understanding of true values. And even if at the same time the little man makes a mistake - support him, let him "stuff his own bumps" and learn how to make difficult life decisions.
Regarding the mother's overprotection of her daughter, a similar example can be given when the mother does not allow the girl to clean the house, cook dinner regularly, make purchases, and take part in the upbringing of her younger brothers and sisters. “You will still have time to suffer in marriage,” the mother says to her daughter, thereby creating in the girl a clear psychological attitude that “marriage and housekeeping are torment.” How to prevent this? Just let the girl have her first female experience, even if it comes with a small pile of spoiled food and the resulting blue unsightly cake. Such an experience will be not only useful, but also pleasant: after all, in ten years, you and your daughter will remember it with laughter and warmth.
