Eugene, age: 16 / 11.02.2015
Responses:
Hi Zhenya. You are right, the problem is serious and it needs to be solved somehow.
But in fact, it is not difficult to solve it.
You just need to redirect the energy of your love in the right direction.
Yes, while you can’t go to the movies with your teacher or invite her to a romantic dinner, but you can dedicate poetry to her, write a song, learn to play the guitar for her, or sew a soft toy for her. Or maybe you will learn everything and pass the exam in her subject perfectly? Here she will rejoice in the power of your love.
And then we, the ladies, have always liked and will continue to like athletic men. Is there a reason to play sports? If it wasn't, it is now).
Read smart books - so that there is something to talk about with an educated lady - is there a reason? Yes, and it's called Love. Your "love", Zhenya.
To create, to do good deeds, to become better - this is where let the manifestation of your love be. After all, the chosen one was always won. And one of the main criteria for choosing a bride for your prince is what he is: frail, nervous, irresponsible, lazy, stupid or strong, persistent, responsible, hardworking - with a mind and a horse? Who will she choose?
Now Zhen can rest a little and then make a plan for himself "Love in action" and put it into practice. Good luck!
Sveta, age: a little older than you / 02/12/2015
Eugene, you are so young))) Of course, your teacher does not take your confessions seriously, but as a teacher it would be better to talk to you. At the age of 16, many fall in love and it seems that this is the last love in life. Direct your energy in a different direction, try writing poetry, go in for sports. Try to understand whether it is love or falling in love. There is a difference. If this is love, imagine that she will love you back, what will you do then? Relationships are responsibility, are you ready for this? Or is it just a burst of hormones?))) Good luck to you!)))
Elena, age: 02/29/2015
Hello Eugene!
I also had the same serious problem, I was in love with a teacher - three hundred years ago ...
I advise you to be patient and wait for a meeting with your soul mate, mutual love.
The period of growing up is not easy.
Look at the love story.
Question:
Dear editors! I read in "Health" the psychotherapist's answers to readers' questions and now I decided to ask him about what worries me.
I'm 17 years old. I'm in high school, in my senior year. At the beginning of the school year, a new math teacher came to us. I immediately felt sympathy for her. Gradually, I realized that I fell in love with her.
I get excited when she enters the classroom, I enjoy watching her move. If she doesn't notice me or talks to me absentmindedly, I get depressed. I feel unhappy that she doesn't love me as much as I love her.
If I love a woman, does that mean I'm a lesbian? Or maybe bisexual? I'm completely bewildered. Help me.
Thanks, Sveta
Answer:
Answered by Mark Roitman,
psychiatrist and psychotherapist
Hello Sveta! The feelings that you experience and write about in a letter are quite natural for a seventeen-year-old girl. Your age is characterized by strong emotions in various areas of life, and certainly in everything related to sex and sexuality.
In adolescence, the desire to be as beautiful, independent, charming as a teacher, singer, actress, is often intertwined with erotic feelings and fantasies in relation to the object of adoration.
Teenagers usually hide their crush. The object of your love may not even know what strong feelings you have towards him.
The refusal or inattention of her beloved, the girl can regard as the fact that the whole world has turned away from her. So the lack of a reciprocal feeling of one particular person leads the teenager to the idea that no one in the whole world loves him.
The formation of character, the definition of one's place in society and in the surrounding world is inevitably accompanied by strong feelings. Rejected love, unrequited feelings can cause feelings of inferiority.
I would venture to suggest, Sveta, that not only you, but the whole class are in love with your new teacher, so beautiful and attractive. Fantasies of love and sexual relationships with young teachers are as common among teenagers as dreams of romance with movie stars or famous singers.
Another feature of adolescence: the object of love changes very quickly and unexpectedly. So the arrival of a new PE or history teacher, or a new student in the classroom, can dramatically change the direction of your sexual fantasies.
From your short description, it's hard to tell if your crush on your teacher is permanent or just a temporary infatuation that will pass as unexpectedly as it came. It is also impossible, guided only by a letter to the editor, to say something specific about your sexual orientation.
If even after you read my answer, you will be disturbed by a feeling of hopelessness and a feeling of confusion, I advise you to seek advice from a specialist psychotherapist who deals with exactly those issues that concern you.
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A few years ago, my Russian teacher died. Another one came, the whole class rebelled, we absolutely did not like her ... Such a relationship lasted for almost a whole year, after which I slowly began to look at her with different eyes. Already in the next academic year, I went to her for tutoring and we began to get closer, after some time I realized that she was my favorite teacher, then I was sure that I was also not in last place with her. She began to invite me to visit her, we could talk with her on any topic, she even sometimes replaced my best friends for me. Her friends did not like her. And once they wanted to write nasty things about her, they invited me. It seemed to me that if I did this, I would please my friends, and the teacher would not know, she would never in her life believe that I did it. It so happened that I had to admit it myself. Then she told me "Forget who I am, now you are like all students for me." There was not much left of the year, and then I decided to apologize to her. I gave her a huge bouquet of roses, cried ... but she said that it would soon pass and that's it. All the holidays I was restless in my soul because of her, I was very worried, I missed her madly, and when I met her, my heart seemed to jump out of my chest. And then came 9th grade. For the first two weeks, she didn’t even say hello to me, then I gained strength and asked about tutoring, what she didn’t mind. To her. At first, I thought that it was all out of habit, because we had not communicated for so long, but then I realized that this was not so. The attraction began more and more. I just wanted to be with her all the time, to become a very close person to her. But later I started having sexual dreams with her. I started to look at her with different eyes, I started to really fall in love. More and more every week. I'm even scared to think about it, because it can't be. I'm 15, she's 46. Lord, what love??? But, unfortunately, I think it's serious. I even have those moments when she is near, and I just barely restrain myself from kissing her...it's not normal!!! Sometimes I want to tell her everything directly... Help me please!!! I am completely confused.
Hello Karina!
Many students fall in love with their teachers. Someone talks about it, someone tries to figure out on their own what they feel. You turned to the experts. I'll start by saying that the concept of "norm" is relative. Each person sets his own standards. There are social norms dictated by society (for example: it is not customary to walk naked down the street))) Love ... love is also different for different people. Sometimes people rarely think about who they love, they LEARN what it is to truly LOVE. The very word Love. You seem to have a lot of confidence in your teacher. How is your confidence in guys? How do you feel about boys? Do you like them? Did you have a relationship with them?
It is up to you to tell the teacher about your feelings or not. Maybe she brings you to this, I don't know the whole situation and your communication style. Maybe she feels something for you. But for now, this is just speculation. Try to watch her differently. How does she treat you? How close does she get to you during contact with you? What are you talking about? And how does she feel about men? If you need help, write in a personal, I'm ready to help you. Sincerely, Olesya.
Good answer 3 bad answer 2Karina! Often, at your age, a person lacks the attention and love of relatives and friends. Adolescents develop distrust of their parents, and, accordingly, the bonds of trust are lost with both mom and dad. And then a person appears who lets you into his world, and you open your heart ... It seems that it is this feeling - openness, spiritual fullness - and there is love!! And .. - "it does not happen"! This is THAT what books and media write about. This is THAT LOVE! And love - this is trust, respect, actions, mutual assistance, understanding and openness ... Do you trust your mother as well as a teacher? Can you admit to yourself that you have problems in your relationship with your mom or dad?! It's not easy ... But often, the reason for such love that you described in your letter is the result of the integrity of your relationship with your parents! What to do? You can do what you see fit. Your life experience will lead you to the understanding that you need. If you think it is necessary to "open your feelings" to the teacher, open .. (and immediately calculate the consequences). If you think that your feelings give you trouble and you need to understand the reasons for your feelings, behavior, go to a psychologist. If you are embarrassed by bisexual relationships or you are ashamed of your feelings, go to church to find out from the priest the reason for your shame and embarrassment. Also, it is interesting to read the book of I.S. Kona "Friendship" - the reasons for a person's bisexuality are described very clearly and interestingly. In any case, you need to do self-knowledge - this is both interesting and useful! Good luck to you!
Good answer 0 bad answer 2Inexperienced teachers often respond to the feelings of their students
Once again about love
These connections have been around for ages. It just used to be more veiled than it is today. Although if such an incident occurs in a modern school, they will also try to hush it up, not to make it public. But still, these are extremes. Quite often, such relationships either do not begin at all, or end in nothing, - Natalya Sevastyanova, the former head teacher of one of the Nizhny Novgorod schools, expresses her opinion.
According to an experienced teacher, young teachers are more likely to fall for the romantic trap.
- They do not have much teaching experience, they have not yet felt the sugary taste of the teaching profession. In addition, quite often young people simply do not know how to behave with children who have fallen in love with them, so, without noticing it themselves, they reciprocate, - explains Natalya Igorevna.
A young teacher Julia shared her experience. She works at school for only a year, got a job at an educational institution immediately after high school.
- There are a lot of good guys, I find a common language with everyone. But six months ago, one guy, a high school student, stood out from the crowd. He began to call me, tell me some news, shared his experiences. I gave him advice. We seemed to be friends. But over time, I began to understand that he treats me not as a friend, but as a girlfriend. In the end, he confessed his love. I knew it wasn't normal, but I couldn't help myself. As a result, I fell in love, too, says Yulia. By the way, we had the same situation at school. A student fell in love with a physical education teacher. As soon as he graduated from high school, they got married. They have been together for five years now, they have two children.
A slightly different story happened to Stanislav, a 26-year-old geographer from St. Petersburg.
- Recently, Yana appeared on my horizon. In her spare time from her lessons, she sat in my classes. At breaks, she constantly came up and asked how things were going, mood, was interested in how I spent the weekend. I thought she was just interested in talking to a young teacher. Communication for the sake of communication. But her note just shocked me. She described in detail how wildly she likes me. And at the end, Yanochka added that, to put it mildly, she was attracted to me. Now I don't know what to do with all this. I don’t want to offend with a refusal, you never know how she will behave, Stanislav says with great surprise and confusion.
Cases of love relationships that have grown into something more serious are also not uncommon. There are many stories about the happy family life of a teacher and his student.
For example, the Shcherbakov family from the Kursk region. Boris Natanovich came to work at the school after the war. I started teaching physics. “Officer, many awards, perfectly fitted uniform. Well, how can you resist! Moreover, there are very few male teachers, and those who worked are old. That's all classmates and fell in love, I was also included in this number, ”recalls his wife Nina Valentinovna with a smile. But Boris Natanovich was steadfast and restrained, taught his lesson and did not allow himself too much. “He was always open, bright, interesting. Everyone communicated with him on an equal footing, there were no barriers, but also familiarity. Maybe that's how we got close. We just talked, were friends, ”says Nina Valentinovna with a smile. As it turns out, it was love at first sight. The officer in the reserve was waiting for his beloved to graduate from school, and after the graduation ball he proposed to her. Ten years later, he became the director of the school, and she became his laboratory assistant. Recently, the Shcherbakovs celebrated their sixtieth anniversary.
But such relationships do not always end happily for both parties. Schoolchildren, having had enough of adult relationships and disappointed in their lover, commit rash acts.
“I had an affair with a student - I was 22 then, he was 18. Anton was in 11th grade. He courted, called, wrote text messages, told stories. He was funny, interesting, cute. I fell in love, of course. Dates, kisses, everything. But I couldn’t think of more, I wasn’t ready. And he is a boy, hormones play. He took it and opened his veins. Well, the parents found it in time. He never told anyone about us. Then we didn’t communicate,” Natalya from the Orenburg region writes on the forum for teachers.
In most cases, people around and colleagues condemn the behavior of a teacher who has fallen in love, so adventures quite often lead to the dismissal of a teacher.
— A teacher is a person who is supposed to teach by position. A student is a person who is obliged to learn. There is no equality here, there never was, and there shouldn't be. And love is always equal. One cannot be more important here. Conclusion: either you are not a teacher, or this is not love! Therefore, if such a person appears in my team, he will not linger for a long time, ”Galina, the director of one of the Moscow schools, expresses her position.
Society condemns romantic relationships between a teacher and a student, and sometimes quite rightly. However, each situation is unique, and a person's feelings are not always under control.
The society is not loyal. It always passes sentences and punishes for standing out from the general context. Each situation is too individual to fit into a specific framework. This applies to any relationship, not just official ones, - says the head teacher of Nizhny Novgorod schools Natalya Sevastyanova about the problem of falling in love at school. “Nevertheless, you should think about your future and the future of the student. It is necessary not to feel, but to look at the future.
Responsibility first
According to child and adolescent psychologist Anton Sorin, falling in love is a burning topic for adolescence. She is colorfully sung in children's folklore. In psychology, there are two aspects of this direction - moral and pedagogical.
Let's talk about the first one first. From the point of view of morality, if a teacher fell in love, then he needs to do everything so that the child clearly understands: feelings are flattering and pleasant for an adult. You must create the feeling that such attention means a lot to the object of love. The student must be sure that he is taken seriously and adequately. Nevertheless, the teenager needs to be told directly that there can be no relationship. Refer to age, different social roles, life experience. Of course, each situation is very individual and there are no specific theorems, but the principle is the same: fantasies should not be given development, and relationships should be built in terms of hierarchy,” comments Anton.
In addition, we must not forget that adolescents are very vulnerable and easily injured. Therefore, you will have to be careful in remarks, words and expressions. As the psychologist says, in no case should this information be made public and discussed with colleagues, especially with classmates of a student.
- From the pedagogical side, love or its semblance is an excellent productive motivation that allows a child to achieve a lot. But it is necessary to stimulate not for the purpose of possible relations outside the school, provided that the teenager earns excellent grades, but by the fact that if the student tries, he will definitely meet a similar person, only ten years younger, - comments Anton Sorin.
The opinion of a practicing psychologist is also quite unambiguous regarding the informal relations that have already arisen between a teacher and a student.
- In my opinion, if the novel has already taken place, then the teacher needs to quit. Relations of this nature within the school are unacceptable, as in principle, and outside it. This is a criminal offense if we are talking about minors. You can, of course, do without such radical measures, but a person must have endurance. Unfortunately, not everyone has it. Nevertheless, there is a way out: to completely ignore the feelings and attention from the young admirer, forget about your feelings or postpone until the other half grows up. In a teacher, a student should see only an educator, not a friend at all, - explains Anton Sorin. - Relationships can be anything - trusting, democratic, conniving, but not familiar in any way. The teacher must be an authority, he must stand one step higher. It bears financial and criminal liability. You can be responsible for a pupil, but you can’t be responsible for a friend. There is equality here.
Boys start falling in love at the age of 12. Despite the fact that they find their first love a little later, at the age of 14-16, the memories of the very first girl who attracted attention and excited the blood remain for life. So who do pre-puberty boys choose as the object of their adoration? Most often they fall in love with the teacher. Why this happens, read below.
Why teachers are chosen as the subject of adoration
With age, the body changes, hormones begin to be produced in it. They bring about both physiological and psychological changes. Testosterone is a hormone responsible for the development of male sexual characteristics, which begins to be actively produced from the age of 12-14. All boys grow up at different times.
So why do students fall in love with the teacher? Because girls in their 12 years have not yet reached puberty. And the imagination of the boys is excited by the attractive forms of a young woman. Who do they see the most? That's right, a school teacher. And if she is young and pretty, then it is her guys who choose the object of their adoration. Less common are cases when boys of 12 years old fall in love with the mothers of their friends or girlfriends.
What are signs of attention
People show their love in different ways. And even boys who are just entering adolescence show their feelings in various ways. Some worry quietly, love boils in their head. But some cannot be silent. The most courageous of such individuals can confess their feelings to the teacher. And it's good if this happens tete-a-tete. But often the boys confess their love in front of the whole class.
Of course, falling in love with a teacher is not a shame, but then few people want to endure ridicule about this all their school years. Therefore, the most intelligent children express their feelings on paper. They can throw anonymous notes to the teacher. And modern children can even bother their beloved with SMS or messages on social networks. Boys can give the teacher flowers or sweets, and some do not directly talk about feelings, they explain their gift with sincere gratitude for the knowledge gained.
How to behave as a teacher
In such a situation, it is difficult not to get confused. do not always know how to accept from students in love. This is not taught in college. So you have to be creative. Girls can declare in front of the whole class that they have a lover, a boyfriend, and their engagement is just around the corner. This is a good way to ward off annoying gentlemen. But it's better not to lie. If the "engagement" drags on for 5 years, the next generation of students will no longer believe in these fairy tales.
Many boys can fall in love with a teacher at once. To none of them, no need to rudely resign. But it doesn't pay to be gentle either. After all, otherwise students may think that they have a chance. The girl must strictly define the limits of what is permitted and show the children who is in charge in the class. Yes, in such a situation it will not be possible to become a friend to everyone, but on the other hand, the number of fans of a strict teacher will quickly decrease.
How to ward off annoying cavaliers
A teacher should not lie to students or give false hopes. The worst thing a girl can say to an inexperienced boy is "I'll think about it." It is this phrase that the heroines of romantic films use, which the student definitely saw. The best way to temper a boy's ardor is to nip the relationship in the bud. And if all words are powerless, the teacher must change her attitude towards the whole class and make subordinates out of friends. If the student begins to court the teacher, then she can accept his good disposition without crossing the line. It's always best to settle things amicably. Therefore, it is worth giving the boy your friendship, and if he does not require more, then you just need to wait for the time. Soon the "cavalier" will grow up and find a girlfriend by age.
How to behave as a student
A 12-year-old boy has a hard time at school. His body changes, hormones begin to play, and, as a result, there are quarrels with his parents. And then there's a pretty woman every day looms before my eyes. How should a student behave so as not to disgrace himself in front of the class and the object of his love? The boy should not zealously seek victory at any cost. If he bombards the teacher with messages, then as a result, the parents will be called to school, and the boy will be punished.
Therefore, if you write love letters, then secretly from the object of adoration. The boy can express his tender feelings in the form of help. Gallant deeds will be appreciated by a woman. For example, you can open the door for the teacher, help her carry a heavy stack of textbooks. Of course, this will not evoke reciprocal feelings, since the object of adoration can only give its student its friendly attitude towards him. But the young creature still does not know anything about love, so this, in his eyes, will be a good reward for his labors.
Cases in the lower grades
If a student fell in love with a teacher in the 5th or 6th grade, there is nothing to worry about. Cute notes, sweets and flowers for September 1 and March 8 - this is all that he can give to the object of his adoration. Let's give an example: a 5th grade student has just moved to a new school and cannot make friends in the class, and a young teacher treats him well and helps him in everything. Of course, a boy instantly makes an idol out of a girl. The student does not dare to confess his feelings, but everything is written on his face. In such a situation, you do not need to change your good attitude. The boy will soon find friends and change the object of adoration. The situation will improve, but friendly relations between the teacher and the student will remain.
Cases in high school
What to do if a 10th grade student falls in love with a teacher? It is clear that at a very young age, feelings pass quickly, but for a teenager of 16 years old, a teacher may well become a first love. Let us give an example: a young mathematics teacher lives alone with her son, the girl dresses modestly, behaves in accordance with her status and teaches at the 11th grade. One boy, I must say capable, shows a special zeal for learning. He goes to all additional classes and consultations for the exam. And then the young man guards the teacher near her house and confesses his love. Moreover, it gives a chic bouquet of roses. The guy says that he is in love, understands the current situation, is ready to take responsibility and agrees to take care of the girl's son.
The situation is difficult, and you need to immediately tell the student that nothing will work out. Flowers, of course, are not worth taking, so as not to give the guy too much hope. It must be said that there are no reciprocal feelings and cannot be. Yes, the student will be hurt and hurt, but he will cope with it. And if the teacher mumbles, the situation can only get worse. The boy can imagine that the girl is just indecisive and shy. As a result, the disciple will continue his courtship with double enthusiasm.
Stories
Let's look at a few more examples of how you can get out of a situation where a teenager fell in love with an adult girl.
The guy with his parents moves to a new house. Accordingly, he had to change schools. Getting acquainted with the neighbors on the porch, the boy notices a pretty girl. And then it turns out that she becomes his class teacher. The guy quickly finds a common language with her, but does not dare to tell her about feelings. And then it turns out that the teacher already has a boyfriend who proposed to her. The guy begins to blame himself for indecision. He tells himself that if he had been bolder, then the girl of his dreams could have gone to him, and not to someone else.
Getting out of this situation is quite simple. If the child opened up to you, just tell him that the girl preferred the other not because he was bolder. The teacher had other selection criteria. Her fiancé is older, he is wealthy and independent. And the boy is just a schoolboy. The student does not need to be upset, he will still find his love, just later, because everything should have its time.
And another short story. A boy of 16 fell in love with a teacher. She was not a qualified teacher, but a student in practice. But after two weeks of classes, the beloved disappears. The student suffers a lot and does not know how to live on. All searches for a beloved were in vain.
There is only one thing you can advise a guy: try to get distracted, go in for sports, build layouts or programming. In general, you need to direct the energy that goes to suffering in the right direction. Love for an idol passes rather quickly if it does not find any way of expression.
And what is left to suffer?
Children are not tormented by their love. They sleep well at night, and do not walk under the windows of their idol. The boy fell in love with a teacher, but with the same ease a film actress could conquer his heart. And in both cases, he understands in his soul that these feelings will remain unrequited. This is not a tragedy of life. Soon the student will grow up, his classmates will grow up, and then he will truly fall in love and suffer. The boy will begin to write serenades, buy flowers. And at the age of 12, the suffering is mostly fictional. The apprentice wants to feel like an adult and plays love with the same eagerness as he plays war.
Parent Involvement
Mom and dad should take an active part in the life of their child. They need to know about teenage love. It is in this case that it will be easier for parents to understand what is happening with their child. You can support a child only with words and parting words. You can’t tell a young creature that he fills his head with nonsense, it would be better to listen to what the teacher says to him, and not admire her for days on end.
In such a situation, the support of the father is important for the son. It is an adult man who must explain to his child that his feelings are a stage of growing up. A father can tell his son that he was once also in love with his teacher, but then he met his mother, and now their family lives happily.
Help from experts
Psychologists say that a teenager fell in love with a teacher due to a lack of love in the family. If mom and dad do not devote enough time to the child, then he tries to find a replacement on the side. And who can best replace parents, if not a teacher? She takes care of the teenager, protects him from trouble, you can joke with her, and she does not scold for every oversight. This is the ideal option. Only the child does not understand the depth of his feelings, so he says that he has fallen in love. Parents should not scold their child for this. They need to spend more time with their son to help him get through the first disappointment of his life.