Over the many years of communicating with families in which there are, we have come across a huge number of situations and destinies. We saw how much joy and anxiety, hope and worries, despair and happiness are in these stories. We decided to reflect the experience of such families in publications prepared by foster parents or children, and today we present a new column - "Diary of a foster family." The first text for her is the notes of our reader, Nadezhda K., which she kept in the first months after the adoption of little Nastya. A frank story about "how everything was good, and then it began ..."

November 16

Everything is behind. We are finally home. All these endless doubts, fears, conversations, documents, expectations - everything is behind us, and our little Nastya is at home.

November 19

Nastya is actively exploring the house. Your room, clothes. I immediately fell in love with a pink sarafan and the third day stretches in the morning only to him. She was indifferent to toys, to our surprise. But swimming is a delight! There, just give toys, and splashing - you can’t pull them out of the bath by the ears!

November 25

The second week is coming, I have already calmed down, the fear that “it won’t work out” has passed, everything is fine. I have already forgotten about the mountains of my Internet collections on the topics of all sorts of problems with the adaptation of foster children, this is not about us, we have an idyll! I no longer felt the nervousness of the first days, I calmed down. But one day, when I went to the bathroom, Nastya ran after me. I took her back to the room, to dad. She screams. “I want to be with you! I'm with you!!!" and runs after me, rushes to the bathroom. Twenty minutes persuading-persuading. None. Tears, oh, cry. We distract with cartoons, anything - to no avail. How the devil got in. Forcefully rushes into the bathroom, falls under the door to the floor, beats on the floor and yells. I nevertheless took a shower, under a wild op and hysteria. We were in shock, we were not ready for such a sudden change. It was suddenly, unexpectedly, out of nowhere, out of nowhere. And then it began ... To put on shoes - hysteria, the dress - prickly (flanel!), the cartoon is not the same - hysteria, you can’t take scissors - hysteria, wait two minutes until I hang up the linen and we will play - hysteria: no, drop the linen and let's play right now . I remembered everything I had read, was patient, answered only calmly, telling myself that it would pass soon. But it didn't work. Nastya wanted to save with us, and at night she woke up and called, asked to come to us. Her husband patiently took her back to bed. So several times a night. At some point, when Nastya did not let me cook dinner, demanding to sit next to her while he plays with the doll (not even play, just sit!), I could not stand it, grabbed her by the handle, dragged her into the room, shouted, told me to play quietly while my mother cooks dinner for everyone. Nastena screams again. I grabbed my head, I was horrified that I had acted so rudely to a child. But I didn't know how to be otherwise. Nastya continued to fight in hysterics. A few minutes later I went up to her, sat down on the floor with her, scooped her up in an armful, said that I love her very, very much, but I need time to cook food. Nastya continued to cry. I left her crying and went to the kitchen. After about five minutes, she calmed down. More that evening she did not hysteria, but I was in a terrible state and did not know what to do.

November 27

To say I'm confused is an understatement. I was not told that Nastya could be like that. I'm not ready for this! The most in which I am even afraid to admit to myself climb into my head. Oh, about the statistics on children who were returned to orphanages, unable to cope with the role of parents. My husband doesn't know what to do either. Today we held each other's hands and silently, without words, told each other that we had to endure a little more.

29th of November

Nastya's tantrums make it impossible to be soft and patient. It was only possible to somehow bring her to her senses during the next ora only with a very hard “no”. We agreed with my husband that each time we would not be able to accompany each with the words “I love you”. We swear at her and say that we still love her. This is terrible, I feel like an evil stepmother, and not a mother from whom an unfortunate child sees only evil.

November 30th

Nastya is not hysterical all day, but I feel very bad. After all these days, I'm not so sure that we did the right thing. We are bad parents, the child did not become happy with us ... My husband said yesterday that if we had acted differently, we would have regretted all our lives, and so - we have a chance, and all difficulties pass, because there is no permanent on earth nothing at all. We will endure, we will try.

December 6

We remembered that we had not had a holiday for a long time. You can not do it this way! Tomorrow we are going to the children's water park, and on Sunday we will have guests - we have not seen our friends for a long time.

Nastya became calmer. But this is during the day, and the nights have become even sleepless. The whims and unwillingness to sleep in my bed are exhausting, I don’t get enough sleep, I’m angry with Nastya, I hiss at her at night that everyone is sleeping at night and my mother also wants to sleep. I often feel that I am annoyed, that during the day I want to break loose on everyone, not only on Nastya, that I feel bad and despair rolls up.

December 15

We still sleep badly. But we play well and help our mother. We cook, we shop, we clean. Together this is twice as long as I do alone, but when I see that my daughter is doing something with interest, I am ready to mess around for at least three hours, so long as this interest does not turn into a tantrum again.

21 December

We have survived the word "no". They accepted him. Fearing a repetition of tantrums, we forbade practically nothing to Nastya all this time, except for dangerous things. They turned a blind eye to the rest - to the boots that “live” in the center of the room on the carpet, to the pencils thrown into the trash that they “do not like anymore”, to dry pasta used instead of toys ... But yesterday I forbade Nastya to play with dad's shirts. Dad should have his own clothes, like everyone else, he needs them clean, ironed, and if we roll on the floor in his shirts, then dad will have nothing to go to work. Having lost a fun game, Nastya was offended. She ran into another room. I froze and prepared for the explosion. But it was quiet. Fifteen minutes later, my daughter came to my kitchen, snuggled up to me, asked if we had a delicious candy ... It seems that now we are familiar with the word “no” not only in the context of tantrums.

27th of December

We are preparing for the Miracle. Nastya is not so much waiting for Santa Claus as asking how many wishes you can make when you go to bed on New Year's Eve. I ask - what kind of desires, he begins to tell. There are indeed many of them. And in all - she, mom and dad. Once again, go to the water park with mom and dad, feed a squirrel in the park with mom and dad, see a real elephant with mom and dad ... I don’t know what my girl will think.

Recently, more and more Russians are accepting orphans into their families. But when raising adopted children, they usually face great difficulties, especially during the adaptation period. The author, based on personal experience in raising a foster child, as well as on the basis of systematic observations of the life of foster families, considers not only the main problems of adaptation, but also offers specific recommendations for raising foster children in this difficult life period. The book is addressed primarily to foster parents, as well as to all professionals providing comprehensive assistance to foster families.

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The following excerpt from the book Foster children: how to cope with the problems of adaptation and upbringing in a foster family (G. N. Solomatina, 2013) provided by our book partner - the company LitRes.

What should foster parents know about orphans?

Most foster parents and people around them think that orphans are the same children as children who are brought up in their own families. Unfortunately, this is not entirely true. After all, foster children very often have unusual, and sometimes shocking, behavior that baffles foster parents, teachers working with these children, and people around them. And then the foster parents begin to accuse the administration of orphanages of hiding from them information about the diseases of the adopted child, about his developmental disabilities. The administration of orphanages and the entire public, on the contrary, accuse foster parents of their inability to properly raise a child or of selfish motives for accepting a child into their family. This can be seen in various television programs. Mutual accusations do not lead to anything good. This is not a solution to the problem. The child is still returned to the orphanage.

Most often, the reason for the unusual, defiant, behavior of a foster child is considered to be poor heredity. The easiest way to blame heredity for your own mistakes is: “The child has bad genes, what could I do?” Probably, everyone will remember quite a lot of examples when people, despite the “bad” heredity, became full-fledged, respected people.

However, most often, parents, teachers, and even psychologists simply do not know about the characteristics of an adopted child, whose development proceeded in non-standard conditions, in conditions that are not typical for most people, about which many of us have no idea.

maternal rejection

Non-standard conditions of a child's life are life situations that have an adverse effect on his development, hinder the satisfaction of the child's needs. These include maternal rejection of their own child, abuse of him; the lack of a system for raising a child, the lack of affection, love for the child, a warm emotional attitude towards him, the absence of positive patterns of behavior. Let me dwell on some unfavorable conditions that have a negative impact on the development of the child.

has a huge impact on the development of the child maternal rejection own child, as a result of which the child at an early age constantly experiences a serious lack or complete deprivation of maternal love, maternal care, and attention. After all, it is the mother who provides the child with a sense of security, which allows him to continue to trust the world around him. Only trust in the world determines in the future life the child's relationship with the people he meets on his life path, as well as his emotional and social development.

An orphan child cannot have confidence in the world, since he was abandoned by the most dear people - his parents. The fact of betrayal will haunt him for many, many years, and sometimes all his life. All this cannot but have sad consequences and cause various deviations. First of all, the child's emotional development is disturbed. He experiences negative emotional states, such as emotional stress, fears, aggressiveness, etc. A child deprived of maternal care and love, who often experienced both physical and psychological violence, sees a potential enemy in every person with whom life confronts him. Such a child is always ready to aggressively defend his world, even in cases where there is no threat. For example, an adopted child of primary school age tripped over the leg of a classmate standing with his back to him, after which he hit him hard. When the foster mother asked why he did this, the child exclaimed with resentment:

“He tripped me up on purpose!”

But he had his back to you. He did not see that you were running, - the surprised mother objected.

- No, he put his foot aside on purpose!

In a full-fledged family, there is always a sense of the family “we”. This feeling reflects the child's involvement in his family. Every child wants to be like their parents, grandparents and other relatives.

This is a very important emotional and moral feeling. It creates a condition for the protection of the child. Often a child asks his parents with interest about grandparents and other distant and close relatives. He looks at family photos for a long time, absorbing information about history. his families. First, the child develops a sense of belonging to his own family, then to the team in which he studies, and only then to all people in general.

In the life of an orphan child who lives in an orphanage, regardless of his will, there is such a thing as an orphanage “we”. This is a very special psychological formation. Orphans are accustomed to dividing the world into “us” and “them”. “Own” or “we” are orphans, “strangers” or “they” are all the rest. They develop special rules for relationships with others - with "strangers" and "their own". "Aliens" by definition are their potential enemies, they always expect some kind of trouble, attack, ridicule from them. They are all together ready to defend themselves from "strangers" even in cases where there is no danger. In the environment of "their own" they have a rigid hierarchy of relations: the elder, the strong - on the one hand, the younger, the weak - on the other. The younger, weak, must obey the older, strong, fulfill his whims, share food with him, etc. At the same time, they can abuse their peers or younger children within their group. Such relationships are primarily formed due to the unfulfilled need for maternal love and recognition in the native family, due to the lack of an emotionally positive attitude towards the child, due to the lack of a positive example that has a strong educational impact on any child.

Lack of emotional connection with the child

Lack of emotional connection with the child causes him a lack of emotionally positive communication or a break in the emotional connection with loved ones. As a result, he cannot establish personal emotional relationships with others.

The emotional connection of the child with the mother appears from the moment when he begins to recognize the mother's face, focus his gaze on it and distinguish it among the faces around him. From this time on, in prosperous families, emotionally positive communication begins to develop, especially between the child and the mother. Of great importance in the formation of an emotional connection is the father and the next of kin of the child, as well as close friends of the family. A positive emotional connection determines all the further development of the child. It has an impact on cognitive, social and speech development. Emotionally positive communication in the family opens the door to the child in a huge world of communication with other people, arouses interest in the world in which he will live.

Relationships in the family affect the emotional world of the child, it is they who later determine the emotional attitude of the child to the people and things around him. Emotions paint a person's life in a wide variety of colors, shades, halftones. His inner life, thanks to emotions, acquires a bright richness, originality, but most importantly, emotions teach the child to communicate and interact with other people. After all, we often understand each other without words, subtly capturing the emotional state of the interlocutor. However, unfortunately, it is emotions that can prevent establishing contact with a partner or several communication partners. From the emotional state of the child will depend on his success in kindergarten and school, where there is a game, and educational, and practical activities. It is because of their emotions that the child will choose different lines of behavior - either positive or negative. If the child is dominated by negative emotions, he will experience a state of emotional tension, such as fear, and then he may behave aggressively or hysterically. And vice versa, if he experiences a state of emotional comfort, his behavior will be calm, friendly towards the surrounding adults and children.

Under unfavorable conditions of development, a negative emotional connection is often formed in a child, since from childhood he has been deprived of loving parents, their attention and affection. Such a child gets used only to negative emotions. Positive emotions cause bewilderment and protest in him, he simply does not know how to react correctly in such cases. It is difficult for a child to get along with people around him, especially with foster parents who are trying their best to “warm up” him, surround him with care, affection, attention, make his life interesting, fill it with various vivid impressions that the child was deprived of in early childhood. Adoptive parents buy him beautiful things, take him to visit, on holidays, to the park, to cafes, to the circus, to the theater, but he reacts to such trips with tantrums and protests. He reacts inadequately to praise, affection, sometimes avoiding it, and sometimes “exploding” with aggressive outbursts.

So, in one substitute family, a walk in the park caused a state of passion. After the walk, the adopted child went home, waving his arms, loudly shouting incomprehensible, meaningless phrases. In response to the request of the foster mother to behave more calmly, the child made a scene on the street: falling to the ground, he began to ride on it. At home, this affect ended in tears and violent hysteria. At this point, it was very difficult for the foster mother to control her emotions. She could not understand what caused this storm, what she did wrong.

I will give more examples of inadequate reactions of children to positive emotions. The adopted boy, in response to the praise, began to shout out with an intonation of anger: “No, shame on me and disgrace!” Another child after class began to run away from the teacher, because after the lesson she handed out stars to all the children - encouragement for good work in the lesson. The teacher could not understand such a child's reaction to praise and was simply confused.

These examples show once again that an orphan child does not understand at all what to do with positive emotions, and does not know how to respond to a positive situation.

It often happens that an adopted child experiences a psychological condition called emotional tension. It arises from the fact that the child has great difficulties in communicating with the outside world. Foster parents will have to show incredible patience in order to teach the child to respond correctly to the positive events of his life, to teach him to emotionally respond to all life situations that occur in his life.

Non-acceptance by the child of certain social roles

The most important condition for life among people is the assimilation and acceptance by the child of a variety of social roles. And these roles, as you know, a lot. From an early age, a child observes a variety of roles, first in the family: the role of mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, the role of the head of the family, the mistress of the house, etc. Gradually, the number of social roles expands: he sees how parents play the role of a buyer, a patient , observes the role-playing behavior of the seller, doctor, etc. Growing up, the child, as it were, "trying on" various social roles in the story game. Traditional children's games ("Shop", "Hospital", "Barbershop", "On the bus", etc.) have a pronounced social orientation. The child "works out" various models of behavior, learns to obey the rules, learns social norms. The game becomes a connecting moment between the child and the outside world. Through the game, the child consolidates and assimilates social experience. He learns independence, active participation in the life of adults, learns the world around him. Children play without being forced by adults, they like to play. However, in the game, they not only copy adults and imitate them, but also show personal creativity. Thanks to the game, the child learns to fantasize. He has his own ideas and impressions about the world in which he lives. For example, children in games widely use substitute objects: a stick becomes a saber, chairs placed in a row become a bus, etc. When playing, children change situations very quickly. After an action with an object, the same rapid adaptation of this object (chair, stick) to a new situation and to a new game takes place. This is a condition for the further adaptation of the child in kindergarten, at school, in sections, in circles.

The game develops the skills of collective life, the ability to do everything together, negotiate with other children and, of course, if necessary, kindly resolve disputes, regulate relationships, and make contact with children and adults. A new quality of collectivism is born and develops for a preschooler. I repeat: the most important thing during this period is the communication of children with peers, with older children and, of course, with adults.

Watching the relationships of adults, playing, gradually getting involved in adulthood, the child absorbs everything related to their behavior in society, among other people.

In a dysfunctional family, a child does not have the opportunity to observe all the variety of social roles. He does not learn the positive rules of behavior and everything that is very important and significant for a child from a prosperous family. For a child from a problem family, all this does not have the slightest meaning and value.

In the orphanage, educators try to instill in children an understanding of social norms and values, but this happens in artificial conditions. It is this circumstance that deprives the child of the opportunity for full socialization. Children still remain in a situation of social isolation, no matter how hard you try.

In the few books on the psychology of orphanhood, a large number of observations and experiments are given to study the effect of social isolation on the mental state of adults and children. Even adults, who for some reason are isolated from society, experience anxiety, emotional stress, and irritability. This leads to complaints, to the fixation of various life trifles, to which this person would not have paid attention before. Children have a distortion of the perception of the surrounding reality, a negative assessment of reality prevails, a pessimistic mood. Children who have not accepted basic social roles are often envious. At the same time, envy manifests itself in small things. For example, a seven-year-old girl told her foster mother:

- I don't have a doll like Sveta's.

“But you have other dolls. They are beautiful too. Sveta doesn't have them.

“I want one just like hers.”

Unfortunately, in a foster family, an even greater confusion of social roles occurs in the child's mind. He lacks awareness of the social roles distributed among people, especially in a family setting. For example, having become accustomed to the fact that there is a nanny in the orphanage, a child in a foster family may ask: “Who will be our nanny today?” This is also manifested in the consumer attitude towards others. When meeting guests, the child may ask: “Why did you come without a gift?” If the child accidentally or deliberately broke something, then he calmly informs the adoptive parents: “It's okay. The worker's uncle will come and fix it."

An orphan child for a long time does not realize his own place in the new family, cannot determine how to behave with the “new” mother, with the “new” father, with the “new” relatives. Wanting to understand the role relationships in the mother-child system, the adopted child closely observes the relationship between children and their parents in different conditions: on the street, when communicating in a family of friends. For example, on a walk with a four-year-old child, a seven-year-old girl even copied his gestures and actions (jumping into her mother’s arms, taking her by the arm, hugging her, etc.).

The examples given show a misunderstanding of the essence of social roles, their confusion in the mind of the child.

Features of the mental development of an orphan child

The mental processes inherent in a person allow him to perceive the world around him and process the incoming information with consciousness, while helping to develop comprehensively.

A child from the first months of life is in great need of new experiences. He actively explores the world around him. It's very nice! The child enjoys new bright toys, actively, with interest examines and studies the objects around him. At 2–3 months, he examines the rattle with interest and waves it. At 5–6 months, the baby needs already sounding and moving toys, rings, etc. By the age of 1, the baby is interested in simple multi-colored pyramids, liners of geometric figures. He is already interested in everything that surrounds him, reaches out to all the objects that he sees around him. Gradually, the surrounding world becomes more understandable and meaningful for the child, and a certain routine gives him confidence in the present and the expected. It is at an early age that a child develops the desire to learn new things. Gradually, he develops independent thinking, a creative attitude to the implementation of tasks of varying complexity, which require certain mental actions.

If a child does not receive a wide variety of impressions due to the absence or lack of educational toys, the attentive attitude of adults to the development of his cognitive abilities, then conditions are not created for the full-fledged mental development of an orphan child. Most often, a child growing up in a dysfunctional family does not have toys at all or there are very few of them. Neither parents nor relatives pay attention to this child, no one teaches him to play, no one buys him new toys. A child from a dysfunctional family has a weakly expanding horizons, the basic prerequisites for the development of cognitive abilities (thinking, speech, attention, memory, etc.) are not formed. As people say, a child grows like a weed in a field, that is, by itself. The longer the child has lived in adverse conditions, the less opportunities he has for full development. Then it will be very difficult for him to understand the patterns of the surrounding objective and social world.

Once in the orphanage, the child begins to actively explore the world around him. But this world turns out to be quite limited due to the closeness of the orphanage. Teachers begin to work actively with the child in order to eliminate problems in his development. They do a lot with him, teach him to be diligent, stimulate the manifestations of his abilities, try to interest him in various activities. However, all these activities do not allow the child to understand and comprehend the diversity of the world around him, primarily because of the lack of communication with different people. Therefore, the conditions of the orphanage cannot ensure the full mental development of the child. He still gives the impression of a child with special needs in development and behavior, and often with mental disability.

Foster parents need to know the features of the mental development of the adopted child. Therefore, I want to consider in detail the features of the formation of each mental function. At the same time, I will focus only on those features that distinguish children from an orphanage from children brought up in a prosperous family. I will not consider deviations in mental development, but will focus on describing children with potentially normal intelligence only.

Features of the perception of adopted children

Perception provides a reflection of the characteristics of surrounding objects necessary for a person. Such characteristics include shape, color, distance, speed of movement and the distance between them. A person with the help of perception gets an idea about the properties of the world around him.

Children from the orphanage distinguish well only single features of objects, such as shape or color. However, it is difficult for them to describe the object in several ways at once. The greatest difficulties are caused by tasks for the selection of objects on several grounds at once: by color and shape; in color, shape and size. For example, the child must determine which ball: it is round in shape, blue in color, large or small in size.

Orphans also have difficulty perceiving objects depicted in perspective, they cannot determine which object in the picture is closer and which is farther. For quite a long time, up to adolescence, they draw flat objects, without conveying their volume.

Orphans experience great difficulties in understanding temporal relationships. Much later than their peers, brought up in families, they begin to understand what time is.

When perceiving the phenomena of the surrounding social life, foster children with negative social experience very often pay attention to disgusting pictures of the surrounding life, for example, they can watch the behavior of homeless people for a long time, which shocks their adoptive parents. In these cases, adoptive parents should not show irritation. You just need to talk about the hard life of this category of people, about how you need to be attentive in life, accept all the norms of behavior in society, study well in order to avoid such a fate yourself. After that, it is desirable to switch the child's attention to some object that is pleasant for perception, for example, to playing kids, to birds on a tree.

Features of the attention of foster children

Every day we get a lot of new experiences. There are a lot of objects of the world around us (cars, houses, flowers). Attention focuses a person on a small number of objects of the surrounding world. For example, out of many trees and bushes, he turns his attention only to a flowering acacia; out of a large number of people passing by, he fixes his gaze only on individual faces.

The concentration of attention in children who grew up in an orphanage is manifested in its violation. They are not able to focus their attention for a long time on any activity, when performing tasks or during games. This leads to the fact that the child often looks unassembled. He cannot independently bring the work he has begun to the end, he is often distracted, switching from one activity to another. Even in a game with other children, such a child cannot focus his attention on the rules of the game, on its plot, which irritates his peers.

Most of all, attention deficit manifests itself in a new situation for the child, when he needs to act without outside help. When an adult addresses such a child, it often seems that he does not hear his words. For example, an adopted child was taken to the local history museum. He ran across the hall from one exhibit to another, not listening to the explanations of his foster mother about the items in the museum. The same thing happened at the zoo. It seemed that not a single animal of the child was so interested that he began to examine it, would want to listen to a story about his life.

Schooling causes particular difficulties for a foster child. He can sit for hours on homework without doing it. At the same time, his attention switches to different objects in the room. At school, teachers complain that the child is constantly unassembled, drops something all the time, hurts classmates. It seems that he does not hear the teacher's explanations.

But there are also happy moments. If a child is interested in some activity, he can do it for quite a long time.

Features of the memory of adopted children

Memory is a mental process that ensures the preservation of information from past experience in the cerebral cortex. It is memory that helps us to reuse previously perceived objects and processes of the life around us in any business. Memory connects a person's past with his present and future. It is the most important cognitive function. memory allows a person to develop and learn.

From the first day of life in a foster family, orphans often recall not too pleasant situations from life in their birth family or in an orphanage. These memories make a very heavy impression on the adoptive parents. And my advice: at such moments, you just need to carefully listen to the adopted child, express your sympathy for his difficult life. In no case should you negatively evaluate the blood parents of the child! On the contrary, you need to try to justify them in the eyes of the child, for example: “Yes, your mom and dad drink. But alcoholism is a disease that is very difficult to treat. Your mom was sick, she didn't know what she was doing. You forgive her."

The memory of adopted children is also characterized by selectivity. What the child liked or aroused his interest, he remembers without difficulty. However, arbitrary memorization, for example, homework causes great difficulties.

An adopted child remembers well the events of his life that caused him negative emotions. The child will remember for a long time all the times when he was scolded or punished. Therefore, adoptive parents need to show titanic patience, as often as possible remembering with the child the events that caused positive emotions.

Features of the imagination of foster children

Various images constantly appear in the mind of a person, reflecting the world around them. Via imagination he can transform these images into new representations, sometimes unreal ones. Thanks to the imagination, a person can be creative in any activity, plan it and manage it. He can draw for himself any picture of his own life in the present or future, he can change the sequence of events of the past, etc. A person with a rich imagination can live at different times, go beyond a specific life moment.

On the basis of previous life experience, a child up to the age of 7 forms a connection between the past and the present. Young children imagine the world very realistically, it is difficult for them to think about the future, that the world around them can be somehow different, because their imagination is only developing. It is very difficult for them to understand that "tomorrow is tomorrow." They often ask: “And tomorrow is that later?”, “Will we go to visit yesterday?” Small children look at family photos with pleasure and enthusiasm for a long time, are keenly interested in their pedigree, integrating themselves into the system of family relationships. Only at school age, from about 9 years old, does a connection between the present and the future begin to be established. Children can already imagine pictures of the future, change them in accordance with their desires, they already have life plans for the future life, for example, a teenager dreams for a long time about his future specialty or imagines pictures of holidays next summer.

In children with negative life experience, the past is most often associated with difficult memories that cause discomfort, a feeling of resentment for life, shame for their dysfunctional parents, shame for their past. Therefore, they begin to fill their past with fictitious images and fictional events, trying to reconstruct the negative events of their lives and justify them. Because of this, their real memories of a past life begin to mix with fictional pictures. For example, a child recalled his life with his dad (while in real life his dad was absent): “When we lived with dad in America, we had a big house. Then dad blew on the gas, and the house exploded. A big fire started. And so we began to live here. Another child, knowing full well that he was a foundling, told how his sick mother had lost him at the station when they were on their way to treat their mother.

Gradually, the adopted child tries to involve his new parents in these fantasies: “Let's say that you gave birth to me. Then I lost the little one. I ended up in an orphanage. And then you found me." So the girl asked her foster mother to explain to others her sudden appearance in the family.

In these cases, I advise you to calmly listen to the child, and then gently bring him back to reality, for example: “I understand you well, I understand that you are now fantasizing. But other people may think that you are deceiving them. Let's better remember how we rested together at the sea, look at photos or dream about where we will rest next summer. Gradually, the child will have new pleasant memories of life in a foster family, which will crowd out negative memories. The child will begin to forget his past fantasies. And adoptive parents should try to evoke positive impressions and positive fantasies more often on the basis of joint planning of upcoming activities.

Features of thinking of adopted children

In the course of life, a person not only perceives the world around him, remembers any events. He constantly analyzes what is happening, compares objects, actions, deeds, generalizes the information received. All these processes (comparison, generalization, analysis, etc.) are components of the concept of "thinking". A person is constantly thinking about something or someone, thinking, reasoning. Thinking is closely related to speech: a person thinks with the help of words and expresses his thoughts in words.

Thinking is formed only when the child communicates with other people for a long time. At an early age, the child begins to think with the help of his mother and other relatives, acting with objects. He collects a pyramid, a simple constructor, selects pictures according to some sign. Gradually, he begins to acquire independence of thought, tries to reason without the help of an adult. For example: "I won't go for a walk because it's raining outside and I don't have rubber boots." The child begins to think with the help of images. He can already imagine certain objects and decide what to do with them. Only towards the end of primary school age does the child begin to think without visual support. He can already solve some problems, examples, draw conclusions and generalizations himself.

In orphans, the entire course of the development of thinking is disrupted. When solving mental problems, even at school age, they are guided by visual images, situations. Orphans are not able to cope with tasks that require separation from the visual situation, which leads to the inability to form generalizations and abstract concepts. For example, when teaching an adopted child to count, the transition from counting specific objects (toys, sticks, pencils, steps) to mental counting caused great difficulties.

Orphans in any mental operations are guided only by the actions of an adult. They need constant help and support from an adult when performing even simple tasks for them. An adult must constantly explain to the foster child the way to complete the task, each stage of it. At the same time, specific instructions from adults are better perceived by orphans. Multi-step instructions, devoid of clarity, are not very clear to children. It is better to give them instructions in simple sentences, to consistently name the order in which the task is to be completed. This indicates a lack of independence of thinking, lack of self-confidence in solving individual problems. It is interesting to note that these features are also manifested in life situations (not only when solving mathematical problems). For example, a foster mother says to a child: “Help me clean the apartment.” This instruction is not entirely clear to him. It is necessary to clearly define what the child will do, and each subsequent instruction must be given after the previous one has been completed: “Collect toys” or “Clean up your desk”. After the child has completed this task, you can give the following: "Field the flowers (wipe the dust, etc.)."

I would also like to draw the attention of adoptive parents to one feature of the thinking of orphans. Worked out tasks by orphans are performed better, more successfully compared to tasks that require analogy and creative solutions. This is due to the work carried out by the employees of the orphanage in the field of mental education of orphans.

Orphaned children are not able to focus on a system of rules when performing mental tasks. Often they adhere to only one requirement for completing the task. An attempt to combine several stages of solving a problem or a mathematical action leads to the abandonment of the activity.

For example, a foster child easily solved examples in two or three steps. But solving problems even in one action caused great difficulties, because in solving the problem it was necessary to transfer the already existing counting skills to new conditions. The need to solve problems caused a sharp change in mood, refusal to complete the task, and even hysterical reactions.

Features of the speech of adopted children

Speech- this is the most important mental function of a person, providing him with the ability to cognize, self-organize, self-development, to build his personality, his inner world through communication with other personalities. With the help of speech, a person learns the surrounding reality, interacts with people around him.

In orphans, if they do not have concomitant disorders, speech development proceeds without gross deviations. The specificity of the formation of speech in such children will be to a greater extent a peculiar development of lexical stock. Children are better at naming words with a subject-specific meaning (“mom”, “dad”, “tree”, etc.). However, compared with children brought up in favorable conditions, even their subject vocabulary is significantly limited. This is due to the fact that no one worked with children in blood families, did not explain to them the meanings of incomprehensible words. In an orphanage, a lot of work is done with children by both a speech therapist and educators, but due to the closed nature of the institution and the limited life activity of children, the vocabulary of orphans is still much poorer compared to home children. Orphans do not know the names of household appliances, many types of transport, food, clothing and other groups of words. It is difficult to understand and use independently in speech generalizing words and abstract concepts (“transport”, “food”, etc.), since the assimilation of this group of words directly depends on the degree of development of thinking. Words denoting states, signs and properties of objects ("happiness", "joy", "lightness", etc.) are most difficult to assimilate. In general, orphans prefer to use simpler sentences in speech, avoid building complex syntactic constructions.

To a greater extent, orphans have impaired communicative function of speech, which is caused by limited interaction with other people. They do not know how to listen to the interlocutor, do not listen to him, while they themselves can talk a lot, not taking into account what the interlocutor says. They do not know how to ask and ask questions, preferring to remain silent when directly addressed to them. Poor understanding of the hidden meaning of the statement. In general, it should be noted that they lack the flexibility of communication, that is, under changing circumstances of the communication process, they do not change their speech behavior.

Features of the relationship of orphans with peers

In many ways, the child's future is determined by his relationships with peers, his ability to make contact, establish friendly relations, spend free time together with other children, resolve controversial issues and resolve conflicts. When interacting with peers, the child emotionally expresses his feelings towards a partner in a game or some other activity. He learns to control his emotions, evaluate the actions of other children and his own. Adults help children in relationships with other children with advice, teach them to analyze the actions of others, etiquette speech means of communication (greet, say goodbye, thank, address by name, etc.), be attentive and friendly to people around. Recall how a mother brings her baby to a group of children playing in the playground. She addresses her child:

- Come and say hello. Ask the children's names, what they play. Ask permission to play with them.

If the child is experiencing difficulties, she herself introduces her child, asks to take him into the game. Thus, she shows a model of communication with other people.

Already at preschool age, children themselves know how to unite for joint activities - play or work. In joint activities, the child learns to observe certain rules of behavior, which are later transferred to everyday life. Children develop and differentiate role interaction and role behavior. For example, in a game, children can play different roles: the role of dad, mom, doctor, etc. They change roles, while actively practicing the behavior inherent in their gender. We can hear this phrase in a conversation between two children: “What are you, girls don’t do that.”

Of course, the interaction of children is not without conflict. More often, adults are involved in resolving conflict situations, gradually allowing children to resolve conflicts themselves. Children learn to put up after a quarrel, to admit their mistakes, to make assumptions about further communication, to draw the simplest conclusions about cause-and-effect relationships between people. Parents teach children to defend their point of view in a peaceful way, to change their position, opinion.

Adopted children also actively seek to communicate with other children, but they do not succeed in this communication, primarily because of the lack of desire to obey the rules, non-compliance with the rules of the game. When orphans communicate with their peers, aggressive forms of interaction prevail (chaotic running around, kicks, cuffs), increased conflict, which leads to the gradual rejection of the child in the children's team.

In addition, the play of adopted children often does not correspond to the age interests of their communication partners: the plot of their play is extremely poor, the plot play is often replaced by stereotypical manipulative actions (rocking a doll, driving cars, etc.). All this causes the unwillingness of peers to interact with orphans.

Here is an example of a dialogue between a foster mother and a child:

Why don't the kids want to play with me?

- Tell me, how do you play?

- We play catch-up. I catch up with the child, wrap my arms around him and knock him to the ground.

- When I was little, we played differently: the child who caught up with the other child had to just touch him. This meant that he had caught the child.

- Well, it's not interesting.

This example indicates the presence of aggressiveness in the game and the unwillingness of the adopted child to comply with the rules of the game adopted in children's groups.

Another example reflects the stereotype of the game and the inconsistency of the game activity with the age norm. Two 8-year-old girls quarreled - an adopted child and her friend, who came to visit.

“Mom, she doesn’t want to play with me,” the adopted child addresses his mother with resentment.

A friend joins in the dialogue:

“Why does she only want to rock the doll?” I do not want it! I'm not small!

At school age, the nature of interpersonal interaction of children is determined by the teacher. Since adopted children cause a lot of trouble for teachers, a negative opinion of classmates about this child is often created. Many actions of foster children are considered by teachers "under the microscope". The same acts of a negative nature, committed by an adopted child and a child brought up in a family, are evaluated differently. An adopted child, as a rule, is severely punished, a stern remark is made in the presence of peers, and a similar act of a family child may not even be noticed. I will give an example of such a situation. In the 2nd grade, parents bought cell phones for many children. All children go through the stage of playing with phones. They enjoy taking pictures of each other. When an adopted child began taking pictures of children, the teacher forced him to publicly, in front of the whole class, delete the photos from the phone.

Children very quickly catch the temper of adopted children, provoking them to various negative actions.

Thus, a second-grader, in response to a whispered negative assessment of her classmate, angrily tossed his things. Talking about this incident at home, the girl said with resentment: “He often tells me that he likes it when they scold me.”

All adults involved in the upbringing of a foster child, especially foster parents, should carefully monitor the relationship of children, intervene in problem situations in time, and acquaint children with the rules of interaction between people. In the following, I will talk about these and other communication difficulties adopted by adopted children, as well as give some advice on how to overcome them.

The child needs a family! No even the best institution can replace native people and create a real family atmosphere - it would seem that this is understandable and obvious. And the questions about what a family can give a child are answered: care, support, treatment, satisfaction of needs, important skills and abilities. However, sometimes this is not enough - the expected happiness and harmony do not come, and the family comes for a consultation with a specialist to figure out what's wrong. There can be quite a few reasons, but among them there are those that are repeated with enviable regularity.

Strong confident adult. Many (in fact, not only adoptive, but also blood) want to be sure that adults will be able to cope with any, even the most difficult tasks. This happens because once the child already had the experience of how adults could not cope with something, and he was left without their help and support. Therefore, he has fears that the one who is now nearby may well turn out to be the same unreliable person. That is why the child tests new parents “for strength”, offering him more and more new situations to solve, for example, dissatisfaction with educators, teachers and parents of other children.

Children often confuse the concepts of "strength" and "protection" and in every possible way bring an adult to a state of rage and anger, in which the adult looks, although scary, but clearly strong and powerful.

When preparing to accept a child into your family, it makes sense to think about what will give him a sense of confidence in your family, what words or actions will emphasize the resilience of adults in difficult situations.

Acceptance of complex events of personal history. Coming to the family, the child brings with him and, which is often full of rather complex events: deaths, crimes, violence, rejection. And in this situation, adults should not ignore the past of the child and pretend that he was not there, but try.

Understanding what happened and how the child felt is really important. But no less important is the fact that all these events were and will remain part of his life - and, in addition to their recognition, you need to find the strength to move on.

Unfortunately, sometimes it happens that the pain for the past of the child captures so much that, due to the powerlessness to change the situation and hatred for those who caused it, the adult loses understanding, but how, in fact, to help the child survive this.

Here it can be valuable to turn to one's own life experience: who and how helped in childhood to cope with difficult situations, who helps now, what strategies can be used and what definitely does not work.

Understanding development needs. Getting into a new family, and in a place with this and in a safer environment, the child may begin to behave as if he were. This phenomenon is called regression and is due to several reasons. For example, when a child was forced to be an adult due to a number of circumstances, and now he can catch up. Another reason is that with new parents, he wants to live through all the stages of childhood and feel what it means to be a child.

Despite the popularity of this phenomenon, a new family may not be ready for what it looks like in real life: a ten-year-old child cries like a two-year-old and is hysterical, and a child who knows how to use the toilet suddenly starts demanding diapers and a pacifier, lisping, crawling and scream. “Behaves like crazy”, “Just scoffs!”, “He understands everything! Why do this? - with such questions, foster families can turn to a specialist, because many manifestations of regression cause them.

When preparing to welcome a child of a certain age into your family, try to imagine what he was like as an infant, a three-year-old, or a junior high school student.

It happens that a family wants to accept an older child precisely because everything related to babies (whims, feeding, diapers) wants to be left behind. And here it is very important at the decision-making stage to evaluate your readiness to interact with a small child, albeit purely psychologically.

Parental involvement and support. Unfortunately, in our culture, the roles of parent and educator-mentor can be mixed, and the parent takes on the functions of teaching, teaching, coaching, instead of helping, encouraging, supporting.

When an adopted child enters a new family, it often turns out that he does not know and cannot do a lot. And adults want to teach him everything as soon as possible, show and tell everything. And if the child already goes to school, then very quickly: lessons, circles, extra classes. And here, unfortunately, something important that a parent can give, participation and acceptance in any situation, can be lost.

Time that could be spent just being together is spent doing something useful for learning and development. As a result, just the most important thing is missed - the time to get to know each other, say good and encouraging words, cuddle.

Cognitive activity is much more successful when the child is emotionally calm. Because in the most ordinary development, everything happens exactly like this: first, several years of acceptance, fulfillment, and only then - training. If for future adoptive parents the main value is the education of the child, the desire to give him as much knowledge as possible - it is better to look in advance for a place, time and ways in order to organize a supportive emotional contact, think about why and for what it is needed.

Jessica Frantova, psychologist, teacher at the School of Adoptive Parents

If the thought of a foster child periodically visits you, then different pictures are probably drawn in your head - he hugs you and thanks you, affectionately calls you “mom-dad”, goes to first grade in new trousers and blows out candles on a birthday cake. And this has a place in living together, but there are also difficulties. And, oddly enough, unpleasant situations and simple discoveries that almost all adoptive parents face in one way or another are predictable. We have collected here the most common surprises of the first year of stay in the family of an orphanage.

In the first days or weeks of being in your home, where you, his new parents, surround the child with care and attention, he will announce that he wants to go back. He will demand to take him "to the old house" and sob, sob, sob. You will be confused and decide that you have not coped and will never be able to make his life happy, but you will be wrong. Any person gets used to his home, "that house" was the only one possible for him until recently, even if he was waiting for his dad and mom. He was a reality, and so quickly to change him and his stay in him, to forget and delete a whole big piece from life is not an easy task. But the main thing is not even that. The child must remember what happened before. He had a past, albeit not the kind that usually happens in happy families, but his own story is important, and not a picture invented by someone.
Once in your apartment, he will find that people are washing in a bathtub that can be filled with water. Before that, there was only a shower in his life. He bathed on strictly defined days - Tuesday and Friday or Wednesday and Saturday. And he did it in the company of other kids. Then there will be variations on the theme - does he know about the existence of shampoo or shower gel, or was he washed before coming to your house only with soap. But one thing is for sure - bath foam was irrelevant for him, a bath in which you can sit, lie down and splash with toys, he definitely never had in his life.
The first night will also bring him surprises, and it's not about the new, bright bed linen (versus his old official ones) or a cozy bed with a canopy. A surprise for him will be such a simple thing as pajamas. Previously, he slept in panties and a T-shirt, and did not assume that there were special clothes for sleeping. "Why do I have to sleep in these pants and shirt?" - such questions baffle what to say to a person who has never changed into clothes for sleep.
If the baby is still small, and he came to your family from the Orphanage (children under 4 years old live there), then he probably did not try many fruits and vegetables, did not eat sweets and ice cream, but this is understandable. Products in such establishments are hypoallergenic, children are not given anything that can cause an unpredictable reaction of the body. Porridge and jelly, mashed boiled zucchini puree and cottage cheese casserole - this is an approximate daily menu. This will not be unexpected, you will be informed about what the child was fed in the institution. But they will not say that no one there ever drinks with straws. Yes, such a simple thing for an ordinary person as a drinking straw will surprise a new family member.
Foster parents should be prepared for the fact that the baby's vocabulary does not correspond to the norm that is accepted in your family. If the child is large enough, then his speech will probably be full of curses, which are widespread in orphanages. Everyone knows bad words at a certain age, but they are not spoken aloud, in front of parents and adults. It's taboo. But for an orphanage, such restrictions in speech are incomprehensible. If his old house was not located in the center of a large city and was not patronized by volunteers from some university-conservatory-institute with the ensuing trips to the theater and concert hall, then simple and unpretentious speech can be not only among pupils, but also among those who works with children. And curses are not perceived by him as something out of the ordinary. Obscene language is not the only thing that may cut your ear. Colloquial and incorrect accents, illiterately constructed phrases and a very limited set of words - this is what you will have to work with for many months so that your adopted child's speech does not differ from the speech of all other family members.
It will take a little time, maybe a few months, he will stop asking back, get used to the new routine of life, and it will seem to you that the main difficulties are behind you. But it will soon become clear that only the first stage of addiction has passed. The child will suddenly realize that it is time to check the authenticity of your words. “They say they love me, but I won’t always be as good as I am now. Will they be able to love me differently - bad, naughty, unpleasant, ”- this is how a small person subconsciously decides inside himself. And after that, a new period begins in your life. Perhaps you are ready for his whims or disputes, you understand how difficult it is for him now. But it is unlikely that you will calmly accept the fact that suddenly, at some point, he will stop going to the toilet, his pants will regularly be wet and the bed too. You will suffer once, twice, and a third time. But then you explode: “You are such a big child, you know how to use the toilet perfectly, why ...” He will silently look at you, unable to explain that this is just a test of your ability to accept him as anyone.
Someday you will take him to a toy store and he will ask you to buy a toy motorcycle (or a doll, or a designer). You will be delighted - this is such a natural desire for a normal domestic child. And buy him whatever he wants. But, when he brings new toys home, most likely he will not want to play with them. It can't be his thing, he never had anything personal. He brought it "to the group", everyone can use these toys, and when they get bored, he will break them. Because they are not sorry, they are nobody's.
If the adopted child is not the only one in your family, then you must be prepared for the fact that, one way or another, he will begin to push your blood children away from you. He will subconsciously create situations where your attention should be paid only to him and no one else. For the sake of this right to sole ownership of mom and dad, he will be ready to misbehave, disobey and quarrel with other children. For example, he will take your blood child's new toy and break it. But this is not enough. He will shift his guilt to another, and will balk even when the evidence of his guilt is undeniable. Can you find that calm and correct tone in relations with children, which will help the blood to understand that they are still loved and in no case will they be preferred to anyone else, but to the adopted one, that he is equal to others in the family.
Of course, not immediately, but sooner or later you will begin to bring him "to the light" - you want to show him the animals in the zoo, paintings and sculptures in the museum, rare plants in the botanical garden. He will be very pleased, and not only you will understand this, but all those who will be with you within a radius of 200-300 meters. The child will shout out the names of animals that he had seen only in cartoons before, and out of excess of feelings he will call a camel a giraffe, and a pony an elephant. It is worth getting used to and stop noticing the condemning views of the “right” parents, who, of course, taught their children not to confuse such simple things. Indeed, in the end, he will also stop confusing crested chlorophytum with ordinary aloe.
If all the previous points have not discouraged you, and the decision to follow this path to the end has not diminished, then let this last surprise that the foster child will present be for you a continuation of all of the above, and in no case, not an illogical contradiction. One day, when a year or more has passed, you will catch yourself thinking that you do not remember the time when your beloved baby was not in your life.

You will need

- Medical certificate of your state of health;
- Documents on family income;
- Documents on housing conditions - financial and personal account, papers confirming the right of ownership (for privatized apartments);
- Certificate of no criminal record. It can be taken to the Internal Affairs Directorate (OVD);
- An application filled out according to a special form.

Instruction

If you agree to take child, write an application to the court for adoption and attach all the necessary documents.

Wait for the decision - the court will issue a verdict, according to which you will have the right to take child to your family or not.

note

Firmly assess your strengths - you will need to raise a child, raise him, send him to school, take care of him. Remember that the child already has his own, some, no, but experience and memories. Also find out everything possible about the child - who were the parents, what is his health, mental state, level of development. Ask how it differs from other children, how long it has been in the orphanage, what significant things have happened during this time. Be sure to visit the institution's psychologist and doctors, as well as talk with the baby himself.

Useful advice

Arrange in advance with the director of the institution for which you have taken the referral about a visit. This will save you from unnecessary problems, and educators will be ready to show you all the information about a particular child and answer your questions.

Nature has laid in us a special life program - we must conceive, endure and give birth to offspring. But it is not always easy for parents to accomplish this task. Then the birth of a baby becomes a big problem for the family. Spouses spend a long time on all kinds of examinations, treatments, medical procedures. Meanwhile, there is a way out of the situation - to take the child from orphanage.

Instruction

Notify the guardianship authorities in your area of your decision. In Russia, it is the guardianship authorities that determine - in foster families. At the same time, not only a complete family consisting of mom and dad, but also a single woman or man can take a child into a family.

Familiarize yourself with the forms of life arrangement for orphans in our country: - Adoption is such a form of life arrangement for a child, in which he is equated with his own, receives inheritance rights and the right to parental assistance. In Russia, a one-time cash payment. - Guardianship by consent is issued to the orphan by the guardians. In the future, they are paid a monthly allowance for the child. - A foster family is a type of life arrangement for orphans when the parents do not become related to the child. In this case, the adoptive parents receive a cash allowance for the maintenance of the child.

Study the statistics. According to the data, young children are more likely to be adopted, and adults are more likely to be taken into a foster family or take care of them.

Decide what child you want to see in your family. Carefully weigh all the pluses and a new life. You will greatly injure the psyche of the child if you do not cope with the upbringing and return him back to the orphanage. This happens especially often with teenage children, whose age characteristics imply the presence of a complex character and communication problems. Babies are easier to experience and grow up in a foster family, like relatives. Often, growing up, such children become outwardly similar to their step-parents!

Before you take a child from, carefully read the adoption procedure. Although the process has now been streamlined, it can take up to six months from the time you submit your application to your child's arrival in your home.

Analyze your desires. You should not cripple the fate of a child by taking him to be raised if you are not sure that you can love a stepchild. There are many cases in the practice of guardianship authorities when guardians and adoptive parents pursue only selfish goals and are not good parents for orphans.

Visit a foster parent's school. Usually such organizations are in all guardianship authorities. Read psychological literature. After the child is out orphanage entered your family, for some time it is useful to receive qualified help in order to quickly establish family contact with the baby.

Do not elevate your noble deed to a feat. Be prepared for the inevitable problems and difficulties. Accept the child into the family as your own, love him and remember the responsibility for his fate.

The issue of adoption child most often confronts fathers who are not married to their mother child at the time of his birth. The father may decide to establish paternity as at the time of birth child, and after, and even before that.

Instruction

So what you should do is file a paternity application. The application is submitted by the father and mother, who are not married to each other, personally to the civil registry office.
In the event that the mother is incapacitated, deprived of parental rights, there is no information about her whereabouts, and also in the event that you apply yourself. In this case, first obtain the consent of the guardianship and guardianship authority.

You can file a joint declaration of paternity at any time. child, and after. If before birth child it becomes clear that for some reason it may be difficult or even impossible to apply jointly, apply again at. Moreover, in this case, attach a document confirming to the application. It can be issued by the medical organization in which it is observed, or by a private practitioner.
In this case, the establishment of paternity is carried out on the basis of this application when issuing a birth certificate.

If for any reason you or the mother child If you cannot be present in person at the submission of the application, notarize the signature of the missing person.

In case the mother child is officially married to another person, attach her husband's declaration that he is not the father child born to his wife.

If you decide to register your relationship with your mother child by marriage, will happen automatically if you consent. In this case, the birth certificate child appropriate changes will be made.

Useful advice

At your request, you or the child's mother will be issued a certificate of paternity.

Sources:

what are the documents for adopting your child

The number of childless families is growing every year. People, hoping for a miracle, stand in an endless line to healers and the relics of saints. It helps someone. But what about families who still do not have children? Just adopt. Of course, this is a big responsibility, but you can give the baby a full-fledged family, love and affection. Most often, couples want to take care of child before of the year. Such a young age child allows a woman to fully feel like a mother. And the kid himself does not remember anything from his past life.

Instruction

Tell us about your financial situation, health, adoption opportunities. You will be asked questions about your spouse and other people living with you. The specialist will assess your psychological readiness for such a step. You will be given documents that you will need to bring.

Provide the following list of documents: - from the place of work indicating the position and salary or a copy of the income statement; - a brief; - a certificate from the internal affairs bodies confirming the absence of a criminal record and offenses; - an extract from their house register from the place of residence or a document confirming the right of ownership for housing; - a copy of the financial personal account and marriage certificate (if you are a member); - a medical report on your state of health.

Within 7 days, the guardianship and guardianship authorities check the authenticity of the papers provided and living conditions. If everything suits them, then you are in line. Next comes the selection of candidates at the place of residence.

As soon as a child matching the requirements appears in the database, you will be invited to a meeting. Show a photo, talk about the baby. If you like him, they will arrange a meeting with him. Otherwise, you will have to wait further.

With court decision and documents child contact the registry office for registration.

Advice 8: A child from a boarding school: what should adoptive parents be prepared for?

So far in Russia the practice of adopting children from orphanages is small, but in the West this is already quite common. Increasingly, Russian parents are willing to take care of someone else's child.

When parents come to the guardianship and guardianship authorities with a desire to become foster parents, then specialists study the family, prepare them for a meeting with a new child. The most popular are children under three years old, and then - 6-7 years old. It is better if the child is just taken from the family. Therefore, mostly in boarding schools there are teenage children who have been separated from their families for quite a long time. As a rule, such children are adopted less frequently. It is about them that it is worth talking in more detail.

Children from the boarding school are brought up a little differently: they don’t do laundry, they don’t clean, they can’t cook food, they don’t know prices, they don’t go shopping. They don't even orient themselves in the city, because they don't go on excursions, they practically don't go anywhere.

Such children are served by special staff, so children in the boarding school are practically helpless in the real world. What should foster parents know about these children?

There is no need to be afraid to take even adult children from the boarding school. Such children simply dream of having a family. If children under 10 years old can still be capricious, older children are aware of their unwillingness to return, so they try to be obedient.

Children from the boarding school do not have the ability to express their love, as there are not enough nannies and tutors for everyone. Therefore, the older the child, the more difficult it is for him to approach, just hug, say a kind word. At first, such children will find it very difficult to perceive words, it will seem to them that no one needs it. However, teenagers from the boarding school really need the love of their parents, but they absolutely do not know such love. A child from an orphanage should be very gradually and carefully accustomed to such words as mom and dad, to the manifestation of affection. This could take a month or more.

The smaller the child, the easier and faster it enters a new family, it is more difficult for teenagers in this regard. Orphaned children very often grow up much faster than children who grew up in a family. They had time to take a sip of grief from the very beginning, and therefore they understand that from their very youth they need to get on their feet.

Having been in a new family, teenagers are already willing to help their parents, but very often they begin to protest, even run away from home. This is because they feel like no one loves them. Teenagers are used to the fact that no one usually really cares about them. To such children, you need to show maximum patience and attention, learn to understand and love them. Gradually, after some time, the child will definitely reciprocate, turning into a truly native person.