To learn to understand your child well, you need to learn to listen to him. If you don’t have the time or desire to listen to what the child wants to tell you, you shouldn’t even start, psychologists say. To establish contact between a child and his parents, the latter need to learn to tune in to the child as a communication partner whenever he wants to talk, pay special attention to the child and his problem, and be able to put himself in his place. Psychologists advise using active listening techniques when communicating with children, which will help avoid misunderstandings and mistrust.
At the core active listening techniques lies in understanding the child’s condition, returning his own information to him and identifying the emotions associated with it. After all, it is very important for a child that his parents understand how he feels, and not just understand the situation, finding out the events and facts that happened.
By active listening technique You need to start understanding the problem by reflecting the child’s emotions and putting them into verbal form. Thus, in response to the child’s statement “I will no longer be friends with Dima,” parents need to first repeat what he said, confirming that the child was heard: “You don’t want to be friends with him anymore,” and then indicate the emotion that the child experiences about this: "You're upset with him." It is such an affirmative answer that will make it clear to the child that they are ready to listen to him and he will want to continue discussing this problem. Seeing the child's upset appearance, you can simply say affirmatively, “Something happened,” and then it will be easier for the child to start his story.
While the questions “What happened?” and “Why are you upset with him?” do not carry a feeling of empathy, showing the parents’ interest in events, and not in the emotions of the child, who is left alone with his feelings. Moreover, to the question “What happened?” an upset child may answer “Nothing” and the conversation will not work.
When the child’s contact with his parents is established, and the child understands that his feelings are not indifferent to adults, he tunes in to the conversation. Further clarification of the circumstances is based on the adult’s questions and the child’s answers. During such a conversation, the child articulates the problem and finds ways to solve it himself.
The active listening technique has its own rules for conducting a conversation.
1. If you are ready to listen to the child, turn to face him so that your eyes are at the same level as the child’s eyes.
2. When you repeat from the child’s words what happened and indicate his feelings about this, make sure that the child does not feel like he is being teased. Speak in a natural, calm voice, and use other words with the same meaning.
3. During the conversation, try to refrain from your thoughts and comments and try to pause after the child’s answers. Do not rush your child, give him the opportunity to think about his experiences and collect his thoughts. If the child looks to the side, into the distance, or “inward,” then pause, because at this moment very important and necessary internal work is happening in the child.
4. Avoid things that interfere with active listening:
questioning, guessing, interpreting;
advice and ready-made solutions;
orders, warnings, threats;
criticism, insult, accusations, ridicule;
moral teachings, reading notations;
verbal sympathy, persuasion;
laughing it off, avoiding a conversation.
The results of parents using the technique of active listening to the child:
The child’s negative experiences weaken, and positive experiences intensify according to the principle: shared joy doubles, shared grief is halved.
The child’s conviction that an adult is ready to listen to him gives rise to a desire to talk with an adult and talk about himself.
Speaking and thinking about the problem, which occurs in the process of the child answering questions from adults, helps him find a suitable solution himself.
Larisa Menshikova
Methods of active listening to a child.
Active listening
Actively listening to a child means“return” to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feeling.
Active listening- a way of conducting a conversation in personal or business relationships when the listener actively demonstrates that he hears and understands, first of all, the feelings of the speaker.
Actively listen interlocutor - means:
Let your interlocutor know what you have heard from what he told you;
Tell your partner about his feelings and experiences related to the story.
Application results active listening:
The interlocutor begins to treat you with greater confidence.
Your communication partner tells you much more than he would in a normal situation.
You get the opportunity to understand the interlocutor and his feelings.
If a communication partner is excited or angry about something, then active listening helps painlessly "chill out".
Rules active listening:
1. Friendly attitude. React calmly to everything your interlocutor says. No personal assessments or comments on what was said.
2. Do not ask questions. Construct sentences in the affirmative form.
3. Take a break. Give your interlocutor time to think.
4. Don't be afraid to make erroneous assumptions about how the other person is feeling. If something is wrong, the interlocutor will correct you.
5. Eye contact: the eyes of the interlocutors are at the same level.
6. If you understand that the interlocutor is not in the mood for conversations and frankness, then leave him alone.
Conversation rules by method active listening.
Firstly, if you want listen to the child, be sure to TURN TO FACE HIM. It is also very important that HIS EYES AND YOUR EYES ARE AT THE SAME LEVEL. If the child is small, sit down next to him, take him in your arms or on your knees, you can slightly pull the child towards you, walk up or move your chair closer to him.
Avoid communicating with your child while in another room, facing the stove or sink with dishes, watching TV, reading a newspaper, sitting, leaning back in a chair, or lying on the sofa. Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and STRONGEST SIGNALS about how ready you are for him listen and hear. Be very attentive to these signals, which are well “read” by a child of any age, without even being consciously aware of it.
SECOND, if you are talking to an upset or upset child, you should not ask him questions. It is advisable that your answers be in an Affirmative FORM.
Thirdly, it is very important to “KEEP PAUSE” in a conversation. After each of your remarks, it is best to remain silent. Remember that this time belongs to the child, do not overwhelm him with your thoughts and comments. A pause helps the child understand his experience and at the same time more fully feel that you are nearby. It’s good to remain silent even after the child’s answer - maybe he will add something. You can find out that the child is not yet ready to hear your cue by his appearance. If his eyes are not looking at you, but to the side, “inside” or into the distance, then continue to be silent - very important and necessary internal work is happening in him now.
FOURTH, in your answer it is also sometimes useful to repeat, as you understand, what happened to the child, and then DESIGNATE HIS FEELING.
Example active listening(example taken from the book by Gippenreiter Yu. B. "Communicate with child - How?» ):
MOTHER: Mashenka, it’s late, all the guys are sleeping.
DAUGHTER: All day alone and alone, I don’t want any more!
MOTHER: You play with the guys in the garden all day long. (Remembers active listening.) You feel alone.
DAUGHTER: Yes, there are a lot of kids, but mom is not allowed into the garden.
MOTHER: You miss me.
DAUGHTER: I miss you, and Sasha Petrov is fighting.
MOTHER: You're angry with him.
DAUGHTER: He broke my game!
MOTHER: And you were upset.
DAUGHTER: No, I pushed him so as not to break him, and he hit me on the back with a cube.
MOTHER: It was painful. (Pause.)
DAUGHTER: It hurts, but you’re not there!
MOTHER: You wanted your mother to feel sorry for you.
DAUGHTER: I wanted to go with you.
MOTHER: Go. (Pause.)
DAUGHTER: You promised to take Igor and me to the zoo, I keep waiting and waiting, but you don’t take me!
Practice active listening.
Among the main techniques used in active listening, we can highlight following:
encouraging the interlocutor (“Yes, yes”, “Very interesting”, “I I'm listening" and so on.);
clarification (“What do you mean when you say about.?”, “What does. mean?”, etc.);
verbatim or almost verbatim repetition of the interlocutor’s words (“If I understand you correctly, you are suggesting.”, “That is, you think that.”);
expression of empathy, understanding of the feelings of the interlocutor (“I understand your condition”, “Your indignation is understandable”);
putting forward hypotheses and summing up, allowing you to clarify how correctly the interlocutor’s words were understood (“Thus, we can conclude that.”, “You want to say that.”, “So, summing up.”, etc. .).
Action Purpose How to do Examples
Encouragement 1. Express interest
2. Encourage the other person to talk. don't agree, but don't argue either
Use neutral words, intonation “Yes, yes.”, “I will I'm listening", "Very interesting", "Could you tell me more about this?"
Verbatim or close to the text repetition of the entire phrase or part of it 1. Show that you listen and understand, what is it about
2. Check your understanding and your interpretation. ask again, formulating the main sentences and facts in your own way: “So you would like your employees to trust you more? Isn’t that right?”
Clarification 1. Help you clarify what was said.
2. Get more information
3. Help the speaker see other aspects. ask questions “When did this happen?”, “What do you mean when you say about.?”, “What does. mean?”
Expressing empathy 1. Show that you understand how the other person may be feeling.
2. Help the other person evaluate their own feelings
3. Recognize the significance of the interlocutor’s feelings and experiences. show that you understand the other person's feelings
Acknowledge the significance of the other person’s problems and feelings: “You seem very upset?” “I don’t think you like this job.”
Summarizing 1. Bring together important facts and ideas.
2. Create a basis for further discussion. restate the main ideas “So, this question is of secondary importance to you?” “So, to summarize what has been said. "
Publications on the topic:
Parent conference as a form of active inclusion of families in the development and upbringing of preschool children In accordance with the new law “On Education in the Russian Federation”, one of the main tasks facing the preschool institution.
Solving the problems of the Federal State Educational Standard through the active introduction of interactive games into the educational process The main goal of my work is to increase the level of cognitive development in preschool children through the use of interactive ones.
Abstract “Formation of an active vocabulary based on the expansion of verb vocabulary in preschool children with pseudobulbar dysarthria” Mother tongue plays a unique role in the development of a person’s personality. Language and speech have traditionally been considered in psychology, philosophy and pedagogy.
Games and tips for developing children's active vocabulary Games and recommendations for developing children's active vocabulary Creating the need to imitate the words of an adult is a crucial moment in speech therapy.
State government institution for children in need of psychological, pedagogical and medical and social assistance,
"Volgograd Regional Center for Psychological, Medical and Social Support"
GKU Volgograd PPMS - center,
Vetyutnevsky separate division
Lesson with elements of training for adoptive parents:
"Active Listening Method"
in parent-child relationships"
Spent: educational psychologist E.V. Faleeva
h.Vetyutnev, March 2017
Goals and objectives:
1. Help parents master methods of personality-oriented interaction. Convey a positive image of the child.
2. Help parents free themselves from the destructive influence of negative emotions. Introduce types of parental statements that interfere with active listening.
3. Introduce parents to the technique of active listening.
Equipment: posters on the board for completing tasks, marker.
Participants: adoptive parents.
Number of participants : group of 10-15 people.
Conditions: auditorium with free zone.
Handout : forms for completing assignments.
Lesson structure: The lesson is conducted in training mode.
The lesson is timed for 1 - 1 hour 20 minutes.
Progress of the lesson
I would like to start our training with a question:
“It’s one thing to listen, and another thing to hear.” How do you understand this statement?
Words"listen" and "hear"differ in the depth of the process itself and the attitude of the listener to the interlocutor. First of all, these words denote a person’s ability to concentrate, to “turn into hearing.” In my opinion,"listen"means the ability to react to the words of your interlocutor in such a way that he himself wants to tell you about something, that is, in a friendly manner, if necessary, then react emotionally to the story. We can say that in this case the listener himself participates in the process and can interrupt and complement his interlocutor.
And here"hear", means the ability to hear not fleetingly (heard by chance), but namely to hear the one who is telling you something, delving into the essence of his story and hearing only what the interlocutor tells you. “Hearing” means not conjecturing the story yourself, but perceiving only that information and only in the interpretation that the narrator conveys. It is this process that makes it possible for a person to hear what he needs and remember what he perceived by ear. And when they sometimes say “hear me,” they mean exactlyability to hear- that is, to hear what the interlocutor says, without your own edits and conjectures.
Listening is a process-action that implies a passive attitude, and hearing (especially “hearing”) implies an active action, although not always.
Compare: “I listened to the radio” and “I heard what they said on the radio...”.
Exercise “Psychological sculpture”
Conduct reflection, pay attention to the fact that the best and most productive contact occurs when the interlocutors take an “eye to eye” position.
Exercise “Communication distance”.
Instructions: Participants are asked to start a dialogue sitting opposite each other, and then need to move away from each other at a distance of at least four meters and continue the conversation.
Information part . The presenter talks about how listening can be passive (silent) and active (reflective). Silent listening involves a minimum of responses (“Yes, yes,” “I’m listening to you,” a supportive facial expression, nodding in agreement. And if it is important for a child to speak out and be listened to, such listening may be quite sufficient. But when the child has an emotional problem (he is upset, offended, failed when he was treated rudely) he needs to be actively listened to. Active listening creates a relationship of warmth, makes it easier to solve the child’s problems. Techniques of active listening are: retelling, reflecting feelings, clarifying, summarizing (summarizing) Retelling - this is a statement in your own words of what the interlocutor said. The key words of the retelling are “You say...”, “As I understand...” The retelling is a kind of feedback to the child: “I hear you, listen and understand.”
Clarification refers to the immediate content of what the other person is saying. For example: “Please explain what this means?”, “Will you repeat it again?” Clarification should be distinguished from asking. Questioning can destroy the speaker's desire to communicate anything.
Reflecting feelings is speaking out the feelings that another person is experiencing. “I think you’re offended.” "You feel upset." Feelings should be named in an affirmative form, since the question evokes less sympathy. This technique helps establish contact and increases the other person’s desire to talk about themselves.
Pronouncing subtext involves further articulating the thoughts of the interlocutor. It should not turn into evaluation.
For example: “You could be more modest.” Evaluation blocks the desire to talk about the problem.
Summarizing is used in long conversations and negotiations (“So, we agreed with you that”).
Exercise aimed at the ability to reflect the child’s feelings. Parents are offered situations, and they must describe the feelings that the child experiences and what they would answer in these cases.
The child's situation and words
Child's feelings
Your Answer
Today, when I was leaving the house, a hooligan boy knocked my briefcase out of my hands and everything spilled out of it.
Sadness, resentment.
You were very upset, you were very offended.
The child was given an injection, he cries, “The doctor is bad.”
Physical pain, anger.
You felt hurt and angry.
Resentment
You want me to protect you too.
Shame, resentment.
You were very embarrassed.
Fear, frustration.
You were scared, you felt sorry for such a beautiful cup.
Information part.
According to the American scientist Louise Hay: “Love is the only answer to any of our problems and the road to such a state is through forgiveness. Forgiveness dissolves resentment."
The presenter says that recently psychologists have identified several types of parental statements that interfere with active listening. These include the following:
Warnings, cautions, threats. "If you don't stop crying, I'll leave." This will happen again, and I’ll grab the belt!”
Proofs, logical arguments, notations, “lectures”. “It’s time to know that you should wash your hands before eating.” “How many times have I told you!”
Criticism, reprimands, accusations. "What does it look like!" “I did everything wrong again!”
Praise.
Name-calling, ridicule. "Crybaby-wax." "Don't be a noodle."
Guesses, interpretations. “I guess he got into a fight again.” “I still see that you’re deceiving me...”
Questioning, investigation. "Why are you silent?" “What happened anyway?”
Persuasion, exhortation, verbal sympathy. "Calm down." "Do not pay attention".
Making jokes, avoiding conversation. "Not up to you." “You are always with your complaints.”
Practical exercise: two of the parents play out the situation, and for the rest: try to determine what type of erroneous statements the parent’s answers belong to:
Dad: “Calm down, let’s figure something out.”
Daughter: “I’ll go to mom.”
Conduct reflection after the exercise.
“What perhaps surprised you?”
Exercise “Mom and Child”
Instructions: Participants are divided into pairs in which they play the roles of mother and child. The “mother” must express her feelings for the “child” by touching his body (from head to toe), and must accompany her actions with affectionate words. After three minutes you need to switch roles.
Have a discussion about who you liked being more - a child or a mother? Why?
Feel the warmth that spreads throughout your body, softness and tenderness.
Exercise “Protection for little ones.”
Instructions: “Sit comfortably, close your eyes. Imagine yourself as a small child of 5 or 6 years old, look deep into the eyes of this baby. Try to see his deep longing and understand that it is a longing for love. Reach out and hug your little baby, holding him close to your chest. Tell him in your head how much you love him. Tell him that you admire his intelligence, and if he makes mistakes, then it’s okay, everyone makes them. Promise him that you will always come to his aid if necessary. Now let the child remain small, the size of a pea. Place it in your palm and press it to your heart. Let him settle there in the most comfortable corner. Do it gently and kindly. Fill this corner with blue light and the smell of flowers. Feel loved. Every time you look into your heart and see your child’s little face, give all your love, which is so important to him.”
Homework for parents: Observe your conversations with your child, especially in those moments when something happened to him.
Try to spend a day without words of criticism or reproach towards your child. Replace them with words of affirmation for any reason. Look at the child's reaction.
Discussion of the lesson, summing up.
Familiarization with the rules of working in a group and their acceptance.
Maximum trust in each other. The first step is a unified form of addressing “you”.
During class, talk only about what worries you right now and discuss only what is happening “here” “now”.
During the session, talk only about what you think about what is happening.
Everything that happens in the group should not be taken outside of it under any pretext.
During communication, they emphasize only the positive qualities of the person they are working with.
Listen carefully to the speaker, ask questions only after he has finished speaking.
The child's situation and words
Child's feelings
Your Answer
Today, when I was leaving the house, a hooligan boy, for no reason, knocked my briefcase out of my hands and tore my jacket.
The child was given an injection, he cries “The doctor is bad”
The eldest son tells his mother: “You always protect her, you say: little, little, but you never feel sorry for me.”
Today in math class I didn’t understand anything and told the teacher about it, and all the children laughed.
A child drops a cup and it breaks: “Oh, my cup.”
Play out a life situation
Dad
Psychologist: A five-year-old girl tells her father (cries): “Look what he (the two-and-a-half-year-old brother) did to my doll. The leg is now dangling.”
Dad: “Yes indeed, how did this happen?”
Daughter: “I don’t know! My cuckoo my..."
Dad: “Well, calm down, Let's figure out something.”
Daughter: “I can’t, my dear…”
Dad (joyfully):“Oh, I came up with an idea! Imagine that she had an accident and became disabled: such a cute disabled person.” (Smiles)
Daughter (cries harder): Don't laugh. I will offend him too."
Dad: “What are you saying? So that I never hear such words again!”
Daughter: “I’ll go to mom.”
analysis
Play out a life situation
Daughter
Psychologist: A five-year-old girl tells her father (cries): “Look what he (the two-and-a-half-year-old brother) did to my doll. The leg is now dangling.”
Dad: “Yes indeed, but how did this happen?”
Daughter: "Don't know! My cuckoo my..."
Dad: “Well, calm down, Let’s think of something.”
Daughter: “I can’t, my darling...”
Dad (joyfully): “Oh, I came up with an idea! Imagine that she had an accident and became disabled: such a cute disabled person.” (Smiles)
Daughter (cries harder): No laugh. I will offend him too."
Dad: “What are you saying? So that I never hear such words again!”
Daughter: "I'll go to mom."
analysis
Types of parental statements that interfere with active listening:
Orders, commands. “Stop it now!” “Take it away!” “Shut up!”
Warnings, cautions, threats. “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll leave.” This will happen again, and I’ll grab the belt!”
Morals, moral teachings, sermons. You must behave properly. "You must respect adults"
Tips, ready-made solutions. “If I were you, I would fight back!”
Evidence, logical arguments, notations, “lectures”, “It’s time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “How many times have I told you!”
Criticism, reprimands, accusations. “What does it look like!”, “I did everything wrong again!”
Praise.
Name-calling, ridicule. “Crybaby,” “Don’t be a noodle.”
Guesses, interpretations. “I guess he got into a fight again” “I still see that you’re deceiving me...”
Questioning, investigation. “Why are you silent?”, “What happened anyway?”
Persuasion, exhortation, verbal sympathy. “Calm down”, “Don’t pay attention.”
Making jokes, avoiding conversation. “No time for you”, “You are always with your complaints.”
By active listening, Yu. Gippenreiter understands various techniques that help adults better understand the child and show him their interest.
Active listening involves fully perceiving the information that the interlocutor wants to convey. You can't argue with the author. Misunderstanding is indeed a problem, because often we hear something completely different from what our interlocutor had in mind, and this can lead to sad consequences: misunderstandings, resentments, and in the long term - to serious conflicts and alienation.
A classic example of such misunderstanding is the “invisibility effect”; it was first described by the English prose writer G. Chesterton in the story “The Invisible Man”. Several people who watched the house at the detective's request said no one entered it. However, the corpse of a man who was alive just before was discovered inside. Everyone is perplexed: who committed the crime? The main character guesses that all the observers, answering the question whether anyone entered the house, actually meant the question: “Did anyone suspicious enter?” In fact, a postman entered the building, but no one mentioned him because the observers misunderstood the question.
Books on the topic
- The wonders of active listening. Yu. Gippenreiter.
- How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk. Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish.
- How to talk to children so they learn. Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish.
- Learning the art of listening. A guide for those who want to improve their relationships with others. Kay Lindahl.
We can often observe something similar in our lives. We mean something one thing, but our interlocutor understands something else. After all, we all perceive information in the scope of our own life experience, and often also our own expectations, sometimes biased. In this regard, the technique of active listening, which helps to accurately understand the interlocutor, acquires special significance both in the life of any person and - especially! - in the work of a teacher and in the life of a parent.
Active listening techniques and techniques
Reception "Echo"
The first of these is the Echo technique; its essence is that the adult repeats after the child part of his statement. You can paraphrase a little, choose synonyms. For example, a child says: “I won’t do your stupid test!” The teacher repeats: “You don’t want to do this test.” Despite the fact that this looks somewhat similar to mimicking, such an “echo” not only does not lead to offense, but, on the contrary, makes you want to clarify your phrase, continuing the dialogue in a more or less rational direction.
Paraphrasing
Another technique is paraphrasing; the teacher seems to be retelling what he has already heard, trying to clarify whether he understood the interlocutor correctly. Often this is indeed necessary, because we do not always speak clearly enough for everyone, because the speech of each person contains many omissions and hints. All this is clear to the speaker, but not always obvious to the listener.
Interpretation
Finally, the third technique is interpretation. This is a conclusion, a summary of everything that has been said.
In more detail, the methods of actively listening to a child can be divided into the following groups.
Pause
The essence of this technique is the following: if we see that the interlocutor has not yet fully expressed himself, we must give him the opportunity to speak out completely, take a pause. There is no need to try to finish the conversation for him, even if it seems to us that everything is already clear to us. A pause is often necessary for a child to think about what he himself thinks on this topic, to formulate his attitude, his opinion. This is his time, and he must spend it himself.
Clarification
We need to ask the interlocutor to clarify whether we understood correctly what he means. This is often necessary because you may misunderstand the child's thought and see in it something that is not good or simply does not correspond to his intention.
In this regard, it is useful to recall the parable of the two apples. Mom entered the room and saw her little daughter holding two apples in her hands. “What beautiful apples! - said mom. - Give me one, please! The girl looked at her mother for a few seconds, and then quickly took a bite of both apples. Mom was very upset: does her daughter really feel sorry for the apple for her? But she didn’t have time to be properly upset, because the baby immediately handed her one of the apples and said: “Here, mommy, take this: it’s sweeter!” This parable reminds us how easy it is to misunderstand a person, to misinterpret his actions or words.
Retelling
This technique of active listening involves retelling in our own words what we heard from the interlocutor. Its purpose is to show your interest, and also to allow the interlocutor to correct us if we have understood something incorrectly. In addition, retelling allows you to draw some intermediate conclusion from the conversation.
Development of thought
This is a response to what was said by the interlocutor, but with some perspective; the adult, as it were, continues the child’s thought, makes an assumption about what these events or actions could lead to, what their reasons could be, and the like.
Message about perception
This technique consists of the adult informing the child that he has understood him. We are talking about a specific verbal message, but it is advisable to show it non-verbally: look the interlocutor in the face, nod, assent. It is unacceptable to talk while standing with your back turned or looking to the side.
Self-perception message
This is a message about your emotional state in connection with the conversation. For example, like this: I’m upset, your words upset me; or: I'm glad to hear that. This is a typical "I message", but in connection with the conversation it shows the presence of emotional contact.
Comments during the conversation
These are small conclusions about the flow of conversation that are desirable when using the active listening technique; examples: “I think we have discussed this issue,” “I think we have come to a common conclusion,” and the like.
How to learn active listening
Although it seems easy, active listening skills are not so easy. There are special courses where you can learn this; psychologists conduct Active Listening training, which can be very useful to everyone who has to deal with children: parents and teachers. Active listening methods can, of course, also be used in conversations with adult interlocutors. However, when working with children and adolescents, these skills become especially important.
How to use active listening? Examples from life can be very different. Let’s say the class teacher is talking with a student whose performance in several subjects has dropped sharply.
Student: I don’t want to learn chemistry, I don’t need it in my life.
Teacher: You think that you won’t need chemistry in your life.
Student: Yes, I’m not going to study to be a doctor or a chemist, and no one else needs this subject.
Teacher: You think that you should learn only those subjects that you will need in the future in your future profession.
Student: Yes, of course. Why waste time on something you will never need?
Teacher: You have firmly chosen your future profession and you know exactly what knowledge you will need in it and what you will not.
Student: I think so. I have long wanted to be a journalist and deal mainly with the subjects that I need: Russian, foreign, literature...
Teacher: You think that a journalist only needs to know Russian, foreign, and literature.
Student: Of course not. A journalist must be erudite... Well, okay, I understand, I’ll learn a little...
Of course, after this conversation the student will not necessarily begin to take the chemistry lesson more seriously, but in any case the teacher made him think. Maybe it’s worth summing up this conversation with some kind of I-message: “I will be very upset if you realize that you still need the item, but it will be too late” - or something like that.
When comparing active and passive listening, it is imperative to keep in mind that silent listening is not necessarily passive. If you show interest in the conversation, look at your interlocutor, empathize with him, demonstrating this in every possible way, then you are actively listening, even if you are silent. There are often times when a child needs to speak out. In this case, he needs a listener, not an interlocutor, but a real, active listener - someone who really sympathizes with him, empathizes, and understands his emotional state. It will be enough if the child sees empathy on your face. In this case, intervening in his monologue is not very wise: you can simply knock the child down, and he will leave without speaking out.
Active listening techniques can be very helpful to the classroom teacher. But it is quite possible to use them in the classroom, especially if we are talking about a humanities subject, when schoolchildren often express their opinions about some events or a work they read. In this case, you need to remember a few rules.
- Never replace your child’s words with your own reasoning.
- Do not finish speaking for your child, even if you are sure that you have already understood him.
- Do not attribute to him feelings and thoughts that he did not talk about.
- It is necessary to renounce your own opinions and your own thoughts, try to throw all your intellectual and emotional strength into understanding the other person, adapting to him.
- You need to demonstrate your interest in all ways: verbally (I understand you; I agree with you) and non-verbally (look at the interlocutor, trying to ensure that the gaze is approximately at the same level: if the child is sitting, then it is better for the teacher to sit too, if he is standing, then stand, if the child is small, then you can squat down; maintain an expression of interested attention on your face; try to make your face express the same emotions that the interlocutor experiences - in this case it will be easier for the child to express what he thinks.
Topic: COMMUNICATION WITH A CHILD. ACTIVE LISTENING TECHNIQUE.
Target: introduce parents to the technique of Active Listening.
Tasks:
Get to know the students' parents better;
Find out from parents what they know about the Active Listening technique;
Conduct a joint analysis of various situations in which difficulties arise in communicating with a child;
Learn to recognize children’s feelings in various situations;
Practice using Active Listening techniques.
Form: seminar with training elements.
MATERIALS: soft toy, A4, A3 paper, business cards, cards describing various situations, electronic board.
Proceedings
Leading. Hello! I'm glad you took the time to come to this event. And today our lesson will take the form of a training. In the course of our work, we will have to communicate with each other, so we ask all participants to sign and attach business cards so that everyone knows how to contact you.
Now we will pass this toy around in a circle, your task: introduce yourself, say whose parents you are, and what class your child is in, and finish the following sentence: “I came here...”.
Parents introduce themselves, etc.
Leading. Today we will talk about the problems that arise in the process of communicating with children. Let's try to understand the reasons and discuss how these problems can be solved.
But before we get started, let's get ready to work together. A warm-up game will help us get in the mood.
During the warm-up, I include my favorite game: “Those who…” change places. This game is very informative and you can learn a lot about families.
After the game, it is clear that the participants have cheered up, the tension has gone away and the group is ready for further work.
Leading. In our daily life, we often encounter various situations when communicating with children: our children cannot share something among themselves; the child says that he quarreled or fought with one of the children, or was offended, etc. We are well aware of all these situations. Let's try to remember how we build a conversation with a child.
Here are some typical situations:
Parents are given leaflets describing the situations, and they read them out one by one.
A mother is sitting on a bench in the park, and her three-year-old baby runs up to her in tears: “He took my car!”
The son returns from school, throws his briefcase on the floor in anger, and answers his father’s question: “I won’t go there again!”
My daughter is going for a walk; Mom reminds us that we need to dress warmly, but the daughter is capricious: she refuses to put on “that ugly hat.”
Leading. What do you usually tell your children in such cases?
Parents share their experiences and say well-known phrases:
Well, it’s okay, he’ll play and give it back...
How come you don't go to school?!
Stop being capricious, it's a pretty decent hat!
etc.
As the parents answer, the presenter writes down on the board what phrases the parents use to convince their children of the opposite: “edifications,” “promises,” “threats,” “lectures,” “questions,” “notations.”
With his advice or critical remark, the parent seems to be telling the child that his experience is not important, it is not taken into account. Despite all the apparent justice of these answers, they have one common drawback: they leave the child alone with his experience.
Leading. What do you think children expect from us at these moments?
Parents express their point of view. At this stage, it is important for parents to understand that the child is waiting for understanding, and not parental lectures and nominations, and sometimes threats.
Leading. The reasons for children's difficulties are often hidden in the sphere of his feelings. So if just something − show, teach, guide− you can't help him. In such cases, the best thing to do is... listen to him. True, differently than we are used to. Psychologists have found and described in great detail the method of “helpful listening,” otherwise it is called"active listening"
What does it mean to “actively listen”?
What do you know about this technique?
The presenter asks parents what they know about this technique. Parents optionally talk about what they understand by the technique of active listening, and some even share their experience of using this technique.
Leading. You absolutely correctly stated the essence of this technique. Let me say it again: actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while identifying his feelings.
Let's return to our examples and select phrases in which the parent names the child's feeling:
SON: He took my car!
MOM You are very sad and angry with him.
SON: I won't go there again!
DAD: You don't want to go to school anymore.
DAUGHTER: I won't wear this ugly hat!
MOM: You don't like her very much.
Leading. Answers based on the method of active listening show that the parent understands the child’s internal situation, is ready to hear more about it, and accept it. Such literal sympathy from the parent makes a very special impression on the child (I note that it has no less, and sometimes much greater, influence on the parent himself, about which a little below). Many parents who first tried to calmly “voice” their child’s feelings talk about unexpected, sometimes miraculous results. I will give two real cases.
Mom enters her daughter's room and sees a mess.
MOTHER: Nina, you still haven’t cleaned your room!
DAUGHTER: Well, mom, later!
MOM You really don’t want to clean up right now...
DAUGHTER (suddenly throws herself on her mother’s neck): Mommy, how wonderful you are!
Another case was told by the father of a seven-year-old boy.
She and her son were in a hurry to catch the bus. The bus was the last one, and there was no way to be late for it. On the way, the boy asked to buy a chocolate bar, but his dad refused. Then the offended son began to sabotage his father’s haste: to lag behind, look around, stop for some “urgent” matters. Dad was faced with a choice: he couldn’t be late, and he also didn’t want to drag his son by the hand. And then he remembered our advice: “Denis,” he turned to his son, “you were upset because I didn’t buy you a chocolate bar, you were upset and offended by me.” As a result, something happened that dad didn’t expect at all: the boy peacefully put his hand in his dad’s, and they quickly walked towards the bus.
Leading. Of course, conflicts are not always resolved so quickly. Sometimes a child, feeling his father or mother’s readiness to listen and understand him, willingly continues to talk about what happened. The adult can only actively listen to him further.
Watch one sketch of a longer conversation in which the mother “voiced” several times what she heard and saw while talking with a crying child.
A scene is played out together with the psychologist and the class teacher.
Mom is busy talking about business. Her five-year-old daughter and ten-year-old son are playing in the next room. Suddenly there is a loud cry. The crying approaches my mother’s door, and the handle from the corridor begins to twitch. Mom opens the door, a crying daughter stands in front of her, buried in the doorframe, and a confused son stands behind her.
DAUGHTER: Wow wow!
MOM: Misha you offended... (Pause.)
DAUGHTER (continues to cry): He dropped me!
MOTHER: He pushed you, you fell and hurt yourself... (Pause.);
DAUGHTER (stopping crying, but still in an offended tone): No, he didn’t catch me.
MOTHER: You were jumping from somewhere, but he couldn’t hold you and you fell... (Pause.)
Misha, who stands behind with a guilty look, nods his head affirmatively.
DAUGHTER (already calm): Yes... I want to come to you. (Climbs onto mom's lap.)
MOTHER (after a while): You want to be with me, but you are still offended by Misha and don’t want to play with him...
DAUGHTER: No. He listens to his records there, but I’m not interested.
MISHA: Okay, let's go, I'll play your record for you...
Leading. This dialogue gives us the opportunity to pay attention to some important features and additional rules of conversation in the method of active listening. Let's try to write down the algorithm for this technique.
A blank sheet is posted.
Leading. Let's imagine that something similar happened to you, and you decide to use this technique. What will you do first?
Parents express their opinions.
Leading. First you need to take the right position in relation to the child. Think back to the scene you just played. What position was the mother in when talking to her daughter?
Participants must say that the eyes of the child and mother were at the same level.
Leading. You noticed absolutely right. This is really the first and important step when using this technique: getting into the correct position in relation to the baby. Why is this so important? Psychological studies have shown that a person perceives predominantly nonverbal (wordless) information, therefore our posture is the strongest signal for children about how ready we are to listen and hear them.
The first entry appears on the sheet:
Take the correct position in relation to the child (the eyes of the adult and the child should be at the same level).
Leading. Now remember in what form the mother spoke?
Participants must conclude that the mother’s answers sounded in the affirmative.
Leading. That's right, you said that answers should reflect empathy (indicate the child's feelings) and sound in the affirmative. During a conversation, it can be very important and useful to repeat what you understand happened to the child, and then identify his feelings.
If you are talking to an upset or upset child, you should not ask him questions. It is advisable that your answers sound in the affirmative. For example:
SON (with a gloomy look): I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
PARENT: You were offended by him.
Possible incorrect remarks:
And what happened?
Are you offended by him?
A second entry appears on the sheet, the second point of the algorithm:
Repeat what was heard from the child.
Leading. You probably noticed that in our sketch, after each remark, mom was silent and took short pauses. These pauses helped the child understand his experience and at the same time feel that his mother was with him.
A third entry appears on the sheet, the third point of the algorithm:
Take pauses between phrases.
Leading. And the most important point is the designation of the child’s feelings.
The fourth entry appears on the sheet, the fourth point of the algorithm:
Indication of the child's feelings.
Leading. If we talk about a short version of this technique, it may look like this: feelings - in an affirmative form.
The last, fifth entry, the fifth point of the algorithm appears on the sheet:
Feelings are in an affirmative form.
Next, the presenter reads out all the points of the resulting algorithm again. At this stage, participants can ask each other questions about the algorithm. It is better if parents receive answers not from the presenter, but from each other.
Leading. Now let's practice using the AC technique. Each of you (if there are many participants, you can divide into groups) will receive a card on which the situation is described. Your task is to understand what feelings the child experiences in this situation. Five minutes to complete. (See Appendix 1.)
The data and then other cards can be displayed on the screen so that the situation can be seen not only by the parents working on it, but also by other participants in the training session.
Parents' work.
Leading. Let's see what you got. I ask you to optionally read the card and say what feelings you think the child is experiencing.
Leading. Thank you for this work. Now try, using the AS technique, to solve this existing problem.
Parents' answers.
After the parents' statements, cards are offered with a positive solution to the situation. (See Appendix 2.)
Leading. Now, please, break into pairs to discuss the various situations that you encounter in the process of communicating with children. Then write down these situations on pieces of paper and give them to me. We work for 5 minutes.
Parents' work.
Leading. Now each pair will draw one card. The task of the pairs is to get acquainted with the described situation and try to show it using the AS technique.
Parents' work.
Leading. You have just tried the AC technique. We are convinced that it is not so simple. We saw that you really wanted to ask a question and comment on the situation. Well, that's completely normal. Let's now try to answer this question: what can the AS technique give us for communicating with a child?
Parents' answers may be something like this: this technique helps build relationships with children, understand children better; its use eases tension in communication.
Leading. You really managed to correctly feel what the AC technique can give. Let me read you the results of our discussion once again.
The child’s negative experience disappears, or at least greatly weakens. There is a remarkable pattern here: shared joy is doubled, shared grief is halved.
The child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to tell more and more about himself: the theme of the story (complaint) changes and develops. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows unexpectedly unwinds.
The child learns to solve his own problems.
The child begins to actively listen to his parents.
Parents become more sensitive to the needs and sorrows of the child, they accept his “negative” feelings more easily, that is, the parents themselves change.
Prevention of such destructive feelings as anxiety, aggressiveness.
Leading. It may have seemed to many of you that the proposed technique is artificial, unnatural for our environment. As for parents’ concerns about artificiality, “techniques” and “techniques,” one comparison helps to overcome it, which Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter cites in her book “Communicate with a Child. How?". It is well known that beginning ballerinas spend hours in exercises that are far from natural from the point of view of our usual ideas. For example, they learn positions that place their feet at different angles, including 180 degrees. With such an “inverted” position of the legs, ballerinas must freely maintain balance, squat, follow the movements of their arms... And all this is necessary so that later they can dance easily and freely, without thinking about any technique. The same goes for communication skills. They are difficult and sometimes unusual at first, but when you master them, the “technique” disappears and becomes the art of communication.
We will not evaluate this technique now. I ask everyone to answer two questions in turn:
Are you ready to try this technique?
Do you think it is useful and necessary to hold such events?
Leading. And as a gift, I would like to give you flyers with a short description of the main points of the active listening technique. Also there you will find authors and titles of books where this method is described in detail with many examples.
Thank you for your work. Goodbye.
Used Books.
Interactive forms of interaction between family and school. Author-compiler O.S. Grishanova. school and parents. Publishing house "Teacher", 2008. Edition 2009.
“How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk.” A. Faber. Moscow. EXMO. 2009
“Communicate with the child. How?" Yu.B. Gippenreiter.
The ABCs of education: advice to parents. G. Peregibov. Education of schoolchildren. 2001 No. 7.
Bazarova R.A. Interaction between school, family and community in the education of schoolchildren: method, recommendations, practical materials from the experience of cooperation between school, family, and community. Penza. Publishing house IPKiPRO, 1994.
Annex 1.
Appendix 2.
